Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

The DD has also offered lunch several times but OP wasn't keen because she couldn't stay the night.

I really don't think this is as straightforward as OP's DD being a selfish wotsit who doesn't care.

When is she going home? If she’s about to head back, then I understand you don’t want to spoil the tlme you have but I really wouldn’t be able to
hoöd back my disappointment.
I think I would have to ask „what have I done?“ I’ve hardly seen you, I’ve been so excited to see you and I’m so shocked and sad you don’t appear to feel the same way. I didn’t expect you to spend all your time with us, but I expected more than one day.“
she seems young and a bit thoughtless. How will she know if you don’t say? Your feelings matter and you have a right to calmly and lovingly explain how hurt you are.
hopefully there’s time to rectify this if you speak up.
if it’s any consolation, my BIL came back
to the UK for the first time in a couple of decades - came for a month. Saw his mum for half a day. Stayed with us for 2.5.
DH and I were scandalised.

big hug.x

Who doesn't book some leave to be with their daughter?

It works both ways, surely?

In other words those who make no effort to visit them get almost their time in the UK in compensation.

I haven't read the full thread but as someone who has lived in Australia for 19 years I just wanted to say that trips 'home' are amazing but exhausting. There is simply never enough time to spend time with all the people you want to see. Unless it is planned like a military operation you run out of time so quickly 28 days feels like a long time but it goes in a flash.
My parents travelled regularly to see us so we always felt an obligation to spend more time with DHs parents. It wasn't ever that we preferred their company over my parents. Time in the UK was also our family holiday so as the kids got older trying to fit in the things that they wanted to do also took time away from others.
Please dont see it as 'If they wanted to spend time with me, they would' They do. There's just not enough days to do it.
My sister also lives abroad. Although she stays with my parents, she uses it as a base and then barely spends any time with them. I know this frustrates mum so that relative might be getting the quality time you imagine. it could literally be a bed and breakfast affair.
Thinking of you I do appreciate how disappointed you must be and admire the bright and breezy approach.

I would be devastated. Very selfish and thoughtless behaviour.

It does, but I was responding to your point which implied the OP hadn't made an effort when she actually had.

Hmm - I'm not sure I'd feel my mum had made much of an effort if she travelled half way across the world, spent 5 days in my area and then went off elsewhere for the rest of her holiday.

The DD was at work all the time.

Maybe she was at work because her mum was only there a few days before disappearing elsewhere so she didn't feel like she was much of a priority.

The whole visit was odd.
OP is giving indications that everything is rosy, but either she chose to visit her DD at a time when DD couldn't get leave, or DD made no effort to get any.

Either way, clearly not a very close relationship, so not really a surprise when DD chooses not to spend a huge amount of time with OP on her own visit.

Who knows? Ask the OP.

I find your daughter's behaviour incredibly odd. She hasn't seen you for 14 months, has been in the country for 28 days, yet has only managed to see her Mum once!! WTAF!!! Every time you make a suggestion to see her, she comes up, with what I can only describe as, excuses. She's willing to make plans to see friends, but not her own Mum. If I behaved like this, and I'm 51, my 80 year old Mum, would metaphorically kick me up the arse!! There's no way she'd not say anything to me. I do think you need to calmly ask your daughter why she seems reluctant to make any plans to see you, apart from once in 28 days. You have every right to be extremely hurt, and in your shoes I would be too.

i would be honest with her, talk to her, and actually tell her that whilst you in no way want to monopolise their ome, and understand that you have seen them over there, and they haven’t had that contact with others who haven’t, that you are still feeling upset at being left out of the visiting and staying and feel almost like you’re being penalised for having visited. It’s going to fester for you, and I’m sure their logic is seeing 5e people they haven’t and won’t see, they know you may visit again

People have - she hasn't returned since people started picking up on some weirdness in her story.

Exactly. It's quite telling that OP suddenly stopped responding when not everyone was on her side anymore.

Why would it become a drama, surely you can converse how upset you are without confrontation or drama, it's a simple sentence, all you need to say, it's lovely to see you but I was hoping we could all go for a meal one night before you head home

Me too.

Or maybe she didn't bother to put them up because her mum was only there a few days before disappearing off to do other things and she felt a bit rejected.

You really do have to say something. It sounds like you actually have an awful relationship. Ask her nicely without emotional blackmail what the problem is and listen (without arguing) and ask her what you can do to fix it.

This, honest and straight to the point.

As the OP is at work for much of the time her daughter is in the UK…

I’m in my 50s now and retired, but my late husband and I spent much of our mid twenties to mid 30s living and working abroad. Not quite as far as New Zealand, but Australia, Singapore, Japan and the US. My parents retired at 50 as well, and so for much of our time away they were able to travel, and did so frequently. When they came to the country we were living in it was usually for 2 or 3 weeks, and I’d try and book some time off during that period. But workload, and desire to use holiday for other things as well, meant it wasn’t all ways possible to book a whole week. My parents are quite low maintenance, and we have a good relationship. We’d spend at least one weekend with them, go to dinner a few times and invite them to stay with us for as long as they liked. But over three weeks we would probably only see them for a weekend and maybe 2/3 or at a push 4 evenings. I did always meet them from the airport and drop them off again. They always chose to stay in a hotel nearby even when they were in our city, they said to give us space but actually I think so as not to be woken up early when we went to work 😂.

Conversely when we came back to the UK, which was most but not every year, as PPs have said there are so many pulls on your time that if there are no concrete plans made in advance then sometimes we couldn’t meet up with everyone, and we’d often only spend a day or two with our parents. It seems to me in the case of the OP even though her daughter planned on being here for a month, no actual plans other than Boxing Day were made. If I had been the OP and wanted to do specific things with my daughter, when I knew the dates that she was going to be in the country I’d have fixed plans early and booked some time off work, accepting that in a month I might only get a few whole days and a smattering of other occasions because that’s the way it is. It just all seems to have been left very loose, and so actual offers to stay / see people / go places have been accepted because there were no firm plans in place. But, I completely understand the disappointment and resentment that causes…part of the solution is better communication earlier I think.

This is odd and I’d be hurt in your situation. Im a Brit living in NZ and my parents come out for a couple of months every year. If I’m back in the UK I’m usually in London where I lived for over 20 years and my parents are 400 miles away.
Sometimes we are doing a quick visit to the UK for a wedding or passing through so if we are there for maybe 5 days with a wedding in the middle it’s just not feasible to add in an extra trip to see them but we usually know we will see them in NZ in the next 12 months so everyone is generally okay with that but if we were there that long and so close we’d definitely go out of our way to spend quality time with them!
Also if they have a lot of old friends in the vicinity who they haven’t seen for years and know they won’t see again as they are unlikely to get out to NZ they could be prioritising them.
I know from experience sometimes when we go back to the UK it’s exhausting trying to fit everyone in even just travelling around London. Everyone wants a piece of you and it’s easy to get peopled out quickly and we know we are letting people down sometimes.
Maybe they are just spreading themselves rather too thin, think they are doing their duty but haven’t thought it through properly and put themselves in your shoes but that doesn’t stop it from being hurtful.
I agree that a quick message stating your feelings may be in order. ‘Hope you’ve had a lovely time catching up with friends. I had really hoped to see a little more of you though as you are so far away and I miss you. Do you have a day or two in your schedule for us to spend some quality time together before you leave maybe as it could be a while before I see you again.’

I take more time off work when my half-aunt comes to visit every few years than OP and her DD have taken off to see each other, so despite OP's comments to the contrary, I really don't think they can be that close (and I'm self employed, so time off = no pay whatsoever!).

NZ isn't like the US where annual leave is massively limited - the only time I wouldn't bother taking at least a few days off work to see a visiting parent would be if we weren't very close or that parent had given the impression that it was a duty visit tacked on to a holiday rather than a trip to actually see me.

Every word of this. And the common advice even seems to be for parents to just shut up and be happy with the crumbs and not expect anything.