Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

Very hurtful OP. But probably not intended. They’ve come over to catch up with friends, have fun and brag about their new life in NZ. They stay with the boyfriend’s dad because he’s convenient for their social plans, don’t take it too personally.

Do they have to do everything as a couple? Do you? Could you maybe arrange a catch up just with your DD and leave DH and the BF out of it?

I understand why you don’t want to make an issue of it but I think it’s OK to say you miss her and would love to be able to see a bit more of her before she goes back.

Could you show her this thread?

It sounds like OP has tried too do this.

OP I can understand not wanting to make a big deal out of it, but maybe there is a middle ground where you can gently say that you are disappointed/ upset not to be spending more time with them?

If you don’t mention this, they don’t have the opportunity to do anything before they leave. At least this way they do. If they still don’t offer anything, at least you’ve been honest.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

That's not how I read it. Her DD said she couldn't stay and could only meet for lunch so they never saw each other - seems a bit "cutting your nose off to spite your face" to me.

OP also went all the way to New Zealand, stayed in a hotel near her DD for 5 days then disappeared elsewhere to travel and didn't see her again, so maybe they're not all that close.

i would be so upset too.

”Behaviour is a language”. I’m sorry to be blunt but her behaviour says she doesn’t want to spend time with you/your DH (or both). There MUST be a backstory/something you are unaware of. There isn’t really another explanation for her deliberately avoiding spending time with you after traveling such a long way for such an extended period of time. I think you need to, calmly, ask her.

Yes, this, if my adult children were coming all that way I'd make damned sure I'd discussed with them beforehand if booking a week off work would mean we would be able to see more of each other, and if so, I would book it off.

Honestly I do still think it might be as simple as, she speaks to you more and has seen you more so thinks she needs to make time for others.
But the more I read your responses I realise that her responses to you about being busy, about only being available for lunch, are exactly what I would say to one of my parents in this situation, simply because I dont find spending time with them that enjoyable. They would say we have a good relationship, but they do lots of things to wind me up and dont react well if I try and gently pull them up on it in an attempt to improve the relationship for me. So I just dont bother, but I limit the time I spend with them because the more time I spend with them, the more things they do that upset me and then I want to spend even less time with them! Its hard to accept this might be the case, but the transition from parent/child to a more even keel relationship is tricky, and maybe there's a personality clash at play that they have not drawn attention to because they dont want to upset you and just want to keep things nice?
Also, my other parent has a partner who i barely tolerate, and wouldnt want to spend any more than the bare minimum time at all. I did pick up that you say they get on fine with DH and he has been in their life a long time - same circumstances here, but we are just very different people and I dont enjoy their company whatsoever. Again, I dont see the point in raising - its their personality, im not expecting them to change, I just dont want to be around it.

Id be sad. I wouldn't spoil the visit though. I do feel there is witheld background information.

I think its ok to message her and say you are really disappointed they have not had much time for you at all. Is there anyway they can make some time before they go.

I think almost everyone on this thread have agreed that she really hasn't spent enough time with you, as do I, but I'm also inclined to agree with the few posters who have pointed out that you should have agreed to the lunch she suggested. It seems like you will only accept seeing her if she stays overnight and this is what she seems to be pushing back on,
what with offering you lunch meet ups with the caveat of having other plans after.

When she does stay overnight what is the dynamic? Are you expecting them to be glued to you all day and all evening, or is it a bit looser?
For example you all have breakfast together, maybe go for a walk after and then you get on with whatever at home whilst your daughter meets a friend for the afternoon then reconvening with you for dinner. If the former then perhaps they feel suffocated. Perhaps the set up at her husband's Dad's house is more like the latter and they prefer to stay there because of this and the fact their friends are local to him. Regardless, why didn't you take up her offer of lunch, why did you say yes let's have lunch and then you can stay the night when she had clearly said that they needed (or simply just wanted) to return to their base for the evening?

Aw OP i am sad for you , i would be gutted too. Hope you are ok 🙂

Honestly, I think she gave you her opinion of her relationship with you. You went to her in NZ, stayed in a hotel (fair enough - I don’t know her accommodation situation) but she didn’t give you one day of her time. Not one day.

You can be as excited as you like about her coming to stay but she doesn’t feel the same about you.

I would be absolutely gutted too and very upset. To be such an afterthought from one of my own kids visiting from the other side of the world would cut very deep.

I would say something but not in a way thst we would fall out. It’s difficult isn’t it because you want her to want to spend time with you voluntarily.

Maybe her DD feels similarly given her mum came all the way to New Zealand, stayed in a hotel nearby for a few nights while she worked then buggered off.

I do understand they probably won’t to see as many people and do as much as they can in their visit but 24 hours doesn’t seem much at all.

What was the story with the New Zealand trip and you staying in a hotel? Wasn't their accommodation suitable? Was there a reason they didn't use any annual leave for when you came over?

Picking up on what some PP have said - could there be some problem unknown to you, with DD and partner staying overnight? I do think you need to ask DD why their time with you has been so limited - on the basis that you would like to make whatever changes are necessary to .ake them more willing to spend more time with you, either at yours or at a neutral venue. Do have this conversation without your DH being around. But also be willing to hear that it might be something about you.
I wish you luck - it's not an easy situation to be in but it won't resolve if you bury it under the carpet.

@abitgutted , honestly I would tell them how hurt you feel.

If you're honest, is there a reason they might find your house less comfortable? Is there a suitable room for them, or younger dc around, a tense atmosphere, maybe you're on a tighter budget?

If they are very focused on seeing friends and socialising, they may just be choosing to stay in the nicest or most convenient family home rather like picking the best hotel and not spending much time with any of you.

It sounds like they see this as a holiday for them to relax and enjoy themselves, rather than seeing it as a chance to connect with family.

Meant to add, could you not have planned to go travelling with your DD in New Zealand if she had a few days' annual leave available?

They are fairly young and sounds like they are prioritising friends who unlike you, may not go out to NZ to visit them. If you spoke to the DH dad he may tell you that although they stayed at his house he hasn’t seen them.

I can understand how upset you must feel - it is so difficult when children move so far away.

Only read op’s threads, but I’d feel hurt as well.

None of this thread suggests that OP and her DC are close.

When OP went to see her in NZ, they stayed in a hotel and saw her for 5 days worth of evenings i.e. barely more time than DD has spent with OP on this holiday.

OP's DD didn't take time off work when OP visited. OP has not taken time off when DD has visited.

DD has offered to meet for lunch, but it's not good enough. OP wants her round for a meal and to play board games and chat. Maybe DD isn't keen on doing that?

I can't imagine planning a visit to see a loved one, particularly one that involves such a long journey without there being at least some time taken off work and some actual concrete plans for us to spend time together (not just sitting around the house but actually doing something together).

There seems to be no communication at all between DD and her mum. They give the impression of tiptoeing round each other.

Actually I admit I did miss this.

We have a seven hour journey to MiL and next time we go down will not be telling her we are there because her other half is so unbearable and it is just a really awkward time so I assume there is a reason or she is just rude