Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

[abitgutted]

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

I think you should just have an honest conversation with her but you'd have to be very very careful not to make it an accusatory "we always come last and we get the crumbs" type of one-sided conversation, which would just alienate them.

What is the ACTUAL issue here? It's that you love her and miss her, and this is what you need to get across. I would tell her that you miss her so much and while you realise they have lots of other pepole to see when they come over you were really looking forward to spending some time together. Maybe have a chat about when the next visit to the uK will be, or when you would be able to visit New Zealand again?

Not saying anything at all and being all bright and breezy about it would be wrong as it would probably give her the impression that you really aren't bothered with the way things have happened this on this visit. It could seem like you don't really care about her that much anyway.

I've lived away from friends and family before for a number of years, albeit only 200 miles away, but it really is a pain. Work is knackering, you really just want some down time to recover or to catch up with domestic stuff in the house and instead you have to try to keep relationships going by travelling backwards and forwards, spending money which you may not have and tiring yourself out trying to please everyone.

I can only imagine how it must be to live the other side of the world. It is more difficult for your DD, too as she hasn't just got one parental household to visit, she's got 2, and her other half's as a third.

Yes, how you phrase things will be everything, OP.

We're an international family and no way in hell would we treat my in laws like this when we visit.

You say also, I’m acutely aware that if they wanted to see us, they would have and I think this is the heart of the issue.
There either IS a backstory and you’re completely unaware of whatever it is you did or said or you’re such a safe space that you’re just being taken completely for granted. Perhaps because you visited 14 months ago so they have seen you more recently or perhaps they assume you will go again in another year or so?
Either way I would ask, using the words you said to us here “I’m aware that if you wanted to spend time with us, you would have done, and it is important to me to understand why you chose not to. Is it something we have said, or done?”
It’s not aggressive or unkind. It doesn’t blame. You’re just asking. It is probably best done in person because text has no tone of voice and so can be misinterpreted more easily. It’s completely understandable that you are upset but you can only get peace of mind by asking and it’s more respectful of them as young adults to just raise it than it is to tiptoe around it.

l would be devastated and couldn’t keep quiet.
I would be saying something along the lines of ‘You have a lot of plans with a lot of people - when are your plans going to include me?’.
But that’s just me.

Bloody hell, do NOT do this, OP!

I don’t think you need to make a drama out of it but as a parent and an adult it is ok to express disappointment to your adult child.

do you speak to them frequently (calls/texts/FaceTime etc) when they are away?

you either have to suck it up or have a conversation about it.

Maybe next time you and DH could have a mini break in the nearby town and therefore meet up more.

The other town is only half an hour away @PopcornKitten ! It's less than my daily commute was, and is no excuse for the DD and son in law not spending more time with them. They could just as easily see their friends from a base at OP's house.

@abitgutted my heart hurts for you. I'd be absolutely devastated.
I agree with you that bringing this up when they're about to leave, would not be good timing. You don't want to part on a negative note, and they're bound to respond defensively.

But next time you're planning to visit them, or they're planning to come again, I think it's perfectly okay to say that you'd like to plan more time with them this visit, as you were sad not to see more of them when they were here. Preferably say that in a phone call rather than messaging though, as it can be tricky to get the tone right in text.

But will expressing disappointment bring you closer to your daughter?

Think what you want, not just what is 'fair' or 'justified' and then do the things to accomplish this.

Why not propose going to meet your daughter for a meal lunch or dinner whichever suits her - just the two of you and book a restaurant.

You don't need to lay a guilt trip, just ask "Hey dd I noticed I didn't see much of you and I was concerned about why, is there any issue?" and then just listen non-defensively to what she says and see how it can be fixed for next visit.

So you travelled half way round the planet, stayed in a hotel during their working week then disappeared? That's hardly any sort of visit at all op?

I would be gutted too though, do you have the sort of relationship where you can have an honest heart to heart?

I understand why you're disappointed.

However, what stands out to me is that you only seem to want to see them at your house and for overnight stays. Given that you live only half an hour away and have cars, why have you not offered to meet them multiple times for coffee/lunch/drinks in the town they're staying? That seems far more sensible than hour long round trips back to yours.

I think if I'd travelled half way round the world, I'd expect people to travel the easy half an hour car journey to see me, rather than expecting me to trek here, there and everywhere, especially if I was trying to squeeze meeting up with lots of people into my visit.

Be honest and speak with them .

Who could be more important than your parents?
Unless there is an issue OP hasn’t mentioned or doesn’t yet know about.

If OP said it was a DS visiting from NZ rather than a DD, I could understand this more. Whilst equally disappointing to only see DS for 24hrs in a 28 day holiday, as is parent I would assume they were spending the time with the GF’s / DW’s family. Girls are usually drawn more to their parents and BF’s / DH’s tag along.

Wow, that's absolutely awful. Unless there's something serious you've not mentioned, your daughter's behaviour is either deliberately cruel or incredibly insensitive.

Wow OP, my mum would certainly not tiptoe around the issue and tell me straight how hurtful my behaviour was. I just came from a 14-day visit to my parents who live abroad (but we stayed at my own flat) and bar for 2 nights I saw them every day - whether just to hang out or to have lunch/dinner/go out.

I think you should be straight with your daughter about how hurt you feel.

Yep. I wonder if all the posters bleating about how awful your DD is have missed this, OP? Because if my mum travelled all the way to New Zealand to see me and then pissed off after five days to do other things I'm not sure I'd be all that inclined to spend much time visiting her on my next trip either...

I really would let yourdaughter know it is making you sad. She is probably unaware and would want to make you happy if she knew. You are her mum. I rarely let my adult children know how i feel but your situation is exceptional.

I'm sorry OP but what a selfish cow.
She will know damn well how upsetting hardly seeing her would be to you.
My experience - family in OZ - is very much out of sight out of mind. Even through serious illness and trying so hard to keep it all going. It's not the first time I've come across this either through friends and colleagues.

I would be incredibly hurt. I’m really sorry. I have a son who is going to love abroad and I would be absolutely gutted.

This is her Mum though!

OP I feel so bloody sorry for you but I did wonder why you only saw your daughter for 5 days when you travelled all that way to NZ .
I am definitely not trying to lay the blame at you but just wondering if there was a problem in NZ .
For context I visited my son in Australia a few weeks ago and saw him most evenings after he finished work and we went on trips every weekend ie Great Ocean Rd ,Sydney and Philip Island…am sure he was very happy to wave his Mum off when I came bac to UK 🤦‍♀️
I sincerely hope you get to the bottom of this and that you feel happier when your daughter goes back to NZ .X

I would be very hurt and I would tell her why.

Do the dads work? What struck me is you sent your shift pattern to them to work around, maybe the dads are at home or booked time off work. Do the dads give them more money than you? If not, then either they just want to convenience of being near their friends or there may be something they are not telling you about preferring to stay elsewhere.