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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I ruined everything

531 replies

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:32

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

OP posts:
theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:14

Mischance · 08/01/2026 13:11

Another thread where (assuming it is real) the only possible response is - why the heck are you with him?

Sorry to say it is true i really wish I wasn’t . At the start i used to think I deserved it but it’s got to the point now where I don’t think I do and I just can’t cope anymore

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 08/01/2026 13:16

I’m so sorry OP. You have the get away from this man. He has a porn addiction.

you have a boundary he has crossed it. Stop trying to pacify yourself over this just get away from him.

he is wearing you down and trying to consistently erode your boundaries. Next he’ll be trying to get you to make videos. Stop second guessing yourself.

He is a Disgusting bastard. END IT. TODAY.

don’t even do it face to face. Text him and block him

mamakoukla · 08/01/2026 13:16

I am sorry to read the hardships you face. In all of this you recognize that you are not happy and that during this relationship you have changed.

From your own writing, you describe an unhealthy relationship which does not benefit either of you.

You are an adult and capable of independent choice. What do you want? Also understand that this is who that person is and his behaviour is not your responsibility. You describe an individual with addiction. You cannot change that and make no mistake that, given his continued path, it is a heavy burden for you to carry. He doesn’t want to change.

You have some clear choices. Be in a relationship that is eroding you and will continue to do so unless something changes. From everything you have described, he will not and seems to derive pleasure from tormenting you. Or, as painful as it seems right now, you can walk away and give yourself time to recover and heal from a relationship that has damaged yourself, your peace and happiness.

When making difficult choices I find it simpler to ask - is this what I would want for my child/friend/and person?

It is a big question. Be kind and compassionate to yourself; it’s a horrendous place to be in but you must decide whether this is how you want to live your life or if there could be another pathway for you.

FruitWordSalad · 08/01/2026 13:16

Oh OP, healthy relationships don't look like this. None of this is your fault. Can I suggest you do the Freedom Programme? You can do it online for £14 here:

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

That would be a good first step.

He needs to go, he's made you believe it's all your fault. That's what abusers do. I think you're going to need some help to undo the effects of your upbringing, so do think about getting some counselling, maybe the GP can point you in the right direction.

I was you once. Now I'm in a happy healthy relationship. It took a lot of work on myself too know that I was worth more. You'll get there Flowers

Howarewealldoing · 08/01/2026 13:17

All this started in your first year together ? And you still stayed . Leave and work on your self confidence

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:18

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 08/01/2026 12:59

… is this a joke? You have anxiety 100% caused by him and his actions! If you leave him, you will absolutely still be able to be a fun and more carefree person. We would all be anxious messes if we had to spend so much time constantly wondering if a DH or DP is off his head, and on what.

You said no porn. He watches porn. You said no drugs. He does drugs. What you need to say is no abuse, and in order to achieve that, you’ll have to leave him, because he’s a manipulative, abusive twat. When it’s over, block him, or this is the kind that will 100% start threatening to kill himself and say it’s all your fault, then send photos of kitchen knives, and shite like that (if he does ever threaten to harm himself, 999 straight away and leave the situation so you aren’t harmed too).

Get rid and block, block, block.

It’s mad that you say this because there has been times where he has made me think he was going to kill himself . Then turned his phone off . Also have said it a few times . But a few months ago I left because of him doing cocaine again I could tell he had took something in work . Dont know what , coke , weed, alcohol . But he phoned me really aggressive . And I was trying to apologise for over an hour . He said to record what he says and that if he finds out that I talk to another man , give another man any of my time , that he would find me and slit my throat , actually torture me first . He said that he would do it when I was in a local shop . And he said the same this weekend when he was drunk too

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 08/01/2026 13:19

Just a reminder, if you don’t like someone watching porn you don’t try and make them stop watching. You don’t date them. It’s not on you to try and change him or anyone.

date a person who shares your values, rather than trying to force them on someone who does not.

it is controlling to stop him watching porn, not because it’s good or bad. But because that is what YOU want. It is on you to not date him.

MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend · 08/01/2026 13:22

OP this is very sad to read. I was with an abuser at your age too...in some ways not so bad (porn/drugs) but in other ways awful (history of domestic violence). I had a car and he didn't so I'd spend my days driving backwards and forwards and sitting around in his rented room. He'd insist on having a nap every afternoon and I'd just lie there quietly like an idiot!! My mum would try to tell me I was wrong to keep driving about and I just didn't get it. I was with him for years until things took a nasty turn and I left him. I was just thinking today of how much energy that all used and how it's probably contributed to my chronic fatigue.

After I left I spent a lot of time learning about abusive men and narcissism and realised that I had always let men treat me terribly. In fact I'm 53 now and I'm still learning...have to say it's a lot easier once hormones aren't directing your decisions! You need to do the same - maybe start with Dr Ramani on YouTube. Because at the moment you're in danger of leaving this idiot and moving straight onto the next one. And if the next one happened to be slightly better you'd think he was wonderful when actually he could also be abusive. Also, I know people scoff at this, but do you think you're autistic? I just ask because I am and it made me very naive and childlike until I was well into my forties.

Pissedachio · 08/01/2026 13:23

Ella31 · 08/01/2026 10:34

He sounds absolutely vile and you need to end it with him. He is emotionally abusing you and gas lighting you. You haven't ruined anything but he is ruining you, your self worth and happiness.

This. A million times this. Please leave.

Shedeboodinia · 08/01/2026 13:23

He sounds gross. Is there anything else in your relationahip other than this wanking and porn conversation? It sounds like its an every day thing and theres not much substance and its all centred around sex, his wanking obsession and porn and wanking videos. Which is pretty grim and sad. Dump him.

AstonUniversityPotholeDepartment · 08/01/2026 13:24

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:14

Sorry to say it is true i really wish I wasn’t . At the start i used to think I deserved it but it’s got to the point now where I don’t think I do and I just can’t cope anymore

If you wish you weren't dating him, then stop dating him.

How is it fair to him to date him when you don't want to be with him? Set him free to find someone who likes being sent wanking videos.

Moonlightfrog · 08/01/2026 13:24

I only read part of your post OP and was shouting at my phone “why are you still with this idiot?” and why are you? You are not sexually compatible, he relies on porn, possibly has an addiction and this is why it takes him so long to finish. It’s nothing you have done, it’s all on him. He’s disgusting and I don’t understand why you have stayed with him. Don’t waste any more time on this loser. I can guarantee as soon as he’s gone your anxiety will improve because he is the cause of it. You deserve better.

L0bstersLass · 08/01/2026 13:25

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 12:48

I do think it’s all me now . I just phoned him and he was shouting saying hes done nothing wrong he didn’t wank just done it for a video to show me then stopped . Said he didn’t know I didn’t like it even tho I have told him before but he denies even remembering I ever said that. Said it’s just what couples do and hes done nothing wrong . He said he is fuming about the way I text him this morning but I didn’t say anything bad just what I put on here and also to stop lying too me . I said thats all you do . Iv just come to my car now I can’t stop shaking and crying . I know it’s me . I said to him iv done nothing wrong and he said here you go again always poor me

It's not you.
He is absolutely dreadful.
You have your own place and he doesn't live with you.
I encourage you to end this relationship as it is destroying your self-esteem.

MrFluffyDogIsMyBestFriend · 08/01/2026 13:25

Oh God just read the last update. You need to phone women's aid OP and tread carefully xx

ErickBroch · 08/01/2026 13:28

You posted a whole thread on this man a couple of days ago, why create a new one and not add when everyone had been giving you great/ advice? He’s an awful man, you need to leave.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/01/2026 13:28

Dump him - he brings nothing positive to your life, @theheckisgoingon28. He is abusing you.

L0bstersLass · 08/01/2026 13:29

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:14

Sorry to say it is true i really wish I wasn’t . At the start i used to think I deserved it but it’s got to the point now where I don’t think I do and I just can’t cope anymore

@theheckisgoingon28 has he got a key to your house?
If no, send him a message telling him it's over and then block.
If yes, change the locks, then send him a message telling him it's over and then block.
Also, get a Ring doorbell.

ChavsAreReal · 08/01/2026 13:29

Just reading this has made me feel a bit sick. Its no wonder your health is suffering. I suspect you'd feel a lot better after a some time away from him.

Thirstycarrot · 08/01/2026 13:30

Your relationship history and the example set by male relatives in your life must be truly terrifying for all this to come about with your boyfriend.

When the dust has settled, I would urge you to get therapy.

FruitWordSalad · 08/01/2026 13:31

I've just read your update. As has been suggested, you need to ring Women's Aid. I'd also ring the police, he's threatened to kill you.

Thirstycarrot · 08/01/2026 13:31

How old are you @theheckisgoingon28 ? Do you or he have any kids?

Daughterofthesea · 08/01/2026 13:31

He is a sad, pathetic loser OP and you are worth a million times more than this.
He is vile and disgusting.

OrlandointheWilderness · 08/01/2026 13:31

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:18

It’s mad that you say this because there has been times where he has made me think he was going to kill himself . Then turned his phone off . Also have said it a few times . But a few months ago I left because of him doing cocaine again I could tell he had took something in work . Dont know what , coke , weed, alcohol . But he phoned me really aggressive . And I was trying to apologise for over an hour . He said to record what he says and that if he finds out that I talk to another man , give another man any of my time , that he would find me and slit my throat , actually torture me first . He said that he would do it when I was in a local shop . And he said the same this weekend when he was drunk too

Right - big girl pants on OP. This man isn’t just a vile abusive twat, he’s also dangerous. I’ve been in some bad relationships with some not nice men, and not one has ever, ever said they would torture me and slit my throat. Because that is so far over a line for a normal human being it doesn’t even enter their head. For a tiny amount of people it isn’t over that line - this man is one of those. And it’s a really short distance from threatening it to doing it.

You are worth more than this!! What would you say if this was your daughter?! That her life is worth so little she should accept abuse and threats of a person who is meant to love and cherish her?!

Please ring women's aid, do it now and make a plan. You aren’t making yourself into a victim, you aren’t twisting things to make him look bad, this is REAL. And it only stops 2 ways - 1) you make it stop. You take control back. Or 2). He kills you.

Find the strength OP. Take back your life and live it with all the joy and happiness it deserves.

OrlandointheWilderness · 08/01/2026 13:32

Oh and selfish weasels never do the world a favour and actually kill themselves. It’s just manipulation. And it’s worked perfectly.

disturbia · 08/01/2026 13:33

OP please report the threats to kill you to the police..you can do this online. They will help you. Mumsnet has links to all DA support numbers please check them out Unfortunately in domestic abuse cases homicide and suicide are closely linked.

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