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Have I ruined everything

531 replies

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:32

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

OP posts:
Mangelwurzelfortea · 08/01/2026 12:53

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 12:48

I do think it’s all me now . I just phoned him and he was shouting saying hes done nothing wrong he didn’t wank just done it for a video to show me then stopped . Said he didn’t know I didn’t like it even tho I have told him before but he denies even remembering I ever said that. Said it’s just what couples do and hes done nothing wrong . He said he is fuming about the way I text him this morning but I didn’t say anything bad just what I put on here and also to stop lying too me . I said thats all you do . Iv just come to my car now I can’t stop shaking and crying . I know it’s me . I said to him iv done nothing wrong and he said here you go again always poor me

JUST DUMP HIM. Why do you even WANT to be with this absolute prick?

Lennonjingles · 08/01/2026 12:53

This has to be the most disturbing post I’ve seen on here. OP please end it with this guy, the way he speaks to you and treats you is really bad. He knows your boundaries and he constantly breaks them.

1980isitjustme · 08/01/2026 12:54

You are sad and joyless because this awful man is making you miserable.

You don’t like drugs or porn - he sounds addicted to both. His home sounds horrendous, and his treatment of you is disgraceful. I really don’t understand what the benefit of this relationship is to you.

Fast forward 12 months. Imagine life without him and how you could feel. Do you want that new life or still to be living life as it is now?? Please please please get out.

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 08/01/2026 12:55

You really need to reflect on your choices here op.

The self indulgent continuous cycle of coming online to air out this behaviour that you continuously stick around for and choose to be your life is getting very tired.

This has never been a good relationship. There is no foundation or hardship that is keeping you in this situation, so it’s purely because you prefer having a wanker in your life feeding your need for drama than having some self respect.

Staying with this man is eroding the clearly very little self esteem you had to begin with, and is a horrendous model to your daughter of what a relationship is.

You won’t leave him, you’ll maybe just change your name again for the next online moan.

AstonUniversityPotholeDepartment · 08/01/2026 12:55

It's not you. But. If you think it really is you, split up with him for his sake then.

P.S. it's not actually you.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 08/01/2026 12:56

I saw your other threads. He's even worse than he comes across in this thread.
And it doesn't look like you will be able to dump him either 😢

Please try and find the strength to dump him. And for god's sake - don't get pregnant.

1980isitjustme · 08/01/2026 12:56

Just to add, you say you have a grown up daughter. What would you say to her if she was in a relationship like yours? Take your own advice and please leave 💐

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 12:56

JoyinRepetition · 08/01/2026 12:35

I only read your opening post and was so mad on your behalf I couldn't read any further cos I felt so wound up.

This man is so bad for your health op. He's literally turning you into a shell of yourself.

As someone who has a terminal illness please listen to me....You don't know how long your life will be. Why on earth are you wasting valuable years with this thing?

Whether it's with support of friends or family or with a therapist or whatever you find that can boost you enough to get out of this - please find a way out.

You really do deserve better op.

Hi op Im so sorry to hear you have a terminal illness 😢. Stupid question but are you ok ? My life is a complete mess as you can gather but if you ever need anyone to talk too apart from this I am a very good listener and I know no one will believe it but apart from my life i do give good advice and I love helping people and being there for them too .

OP posts:
OneShyQuail · 08/01/2026 12:56

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 12:48

I do think it’s all me now . I just phoned him and he was shouting saying hes done nothing wrong he didn’t wank just done it for a video to show me then stopped . Said he didn’t know I didn’t like it even tho I have told him before but he denies even remembering I ever said that. Said it’s just what couples do and hes done nothing wrong . He said he is fuming about the way I text him this morning but I didn’t say anything bad just what I put on here and also to stop lying too me . I said thats all you do . Iv just come to my car now I can’t stop shaking and crying . I know it’s me . I said to him iv done nothing wrong and he said here you go again always poor me

Just end it, go and stay with supportive family/friends and get over this man

Caniweartheseones · 08/01/2026 12:57

Sorry haven’t read all the thread but agree with everyone who thinks he’s being abusive/ awful. How old are you? How have you learned about relationships?
Lots of young people who largely grew up online (teens during about 2014 onwards) have little real life relationship experience. It would be very beneficial to you to learn more about healthy relationships from books, real (good) people like hobby groups etc. good luck leaving him. He sounds like a very unhealthy unhappy guy.

Goditsmemargaret · 08/01/2026 12:57

Dump the weirdo.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 08/01/2026 12:58

What does it matter? It's you, it's not you - so what?
You are clearly unsuited.

Pineappleice43 · 08/01/2026 12:58

It's not you.
Sorry to sound harsh but do you usually have low self esteem? You're so much better than this. He is treating you so poorly and you can do better.

Have you spoken to friends in real life about this?

Would you allow a man to treat your daughter like this?

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 08/01/2026 12:59

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:48

I know Im not easy to be with anymore. I used to be a happy and fun person and I know Im not and that makes me sad . He always says Im in a mood but every day Im riddled with anxiety of porn and drugs . Every single day . I go see him and im trying to figure out of hes took anything today . Last night there was what I thought was a rolled up bit of kitchen roll on his kitchen unit . I didn’t see it but he said whats that . Then I looked and just thought kitchen roll and that was that . He was hyper yesterday. And I mentioned jokingly but it was in my head if he had been taking coke today . He just laughed and said no. We walked my dog an hour later and he said I know why you said about me taking coke today.
mom confused at this point and ask why?
he said because of the rolled up fag paper with white powder it in . So that’s what was on his unit . To me it was kitchen roll . He said it was just half a pain killer he tipped from a capsule because he didn’t want to take the whole amount. Now this makes me suspicious as it . Why not tip it down the sink ? In a bin . Why rolled up in a ball in a fag paper . We went up his and he said go on get it out of the bin. Now thinking of it I wish I did . But I said no . But the more I think of it surely if you thought your partner thought that . You wouldn’t even throw it . You’d keep it there to show them ?

… is this a joke? You have anxiety 100% caused by him and his actions! If you leave him, you will absolutely still be able to be a fun and more carefree person. We would all be anxious messes if we had to spend so much time constantly wondering if a DH or DP is off his head, and on what.

You said no porn. He watches porn. You said no drugs. He does drugs. What you need to say is no abuse, and in order to achieve that, you’ll have to leave him, because he’s a manipulative, abusive twat. When it’s over, block him, or this is the kind that will 100% start threatening to kill himself and say it’s all your fault, then send photos of kitchen knives, and shite like that (if he does ever threaten to harm himself, 999 straight away and leave the situation so you aren’t harmed too).

Get rid and block, block, block.

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/01/2026 12:59

After your latest post @theheckisgoingon28 I’m going to agree with you. Yes, it’s all you.

You have complete power to change everything by ending things with this man. You don’t even have to call him to tell him. Just decide it’s over. Finish work. Go home. Spend time with your daughter and dog. Never see or speak to the arsehole man again.

But you won’t. So yes, it’s all you.

Bimblebombles · 08/01/2026 13:00

The best way to predict how people will behave in the future is how they have behaved in the past, so think about that when you keep wishing and hoping that he will change. He won't.

Thank goodness you don't live together - I would end it right now and go and refer yourself for some counselling to help get you through this tough patch. Make your home a sanctuary of peace and love for yourself and do something that makes you happy tonight.

Cookingupmyfirstbornson · 08/01/2026 13:02

You are choosing to stay and put up with this abuse.

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 08/01/2026 13:03

Well it would seem that you think its you because HE is telling you that its you. Even though literally loads of us on here have told you its not. Why do you believe him over all of us? Because he is an abusive gaslighting prick.

We are all telling you that its NOT you but for some reason his words are all your want to believe.

We can't do anymore for you, you need now to help yourself.

Stop this relationship now. Text him, tell him its over and block him on everything and make a clean break.

Somehow though I doubt you will.

disturbia · 08/01/2026 13:05

Its a trauma bond please OP end this relationship if you can call it that. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

Nanny0gg · 08/01/2026 13:07

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 12:56

Hi op Im so sorry to hear you have a terminal illness 😢. Stupid question but are you ok ? My life is a complete mess as you can gather but if you ever need anyone to talk too apart from this I am a very good listener and I know no one will believe it but apart from my life i do give good advice and I love helping people and being there for them too .

Then why are you not listening to all the really good advice and answering the questions?

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:08

Pineappleice43 · 08/01/2026 12:58

It's not you.
Sorry to sound harsh but do you usually have low self esteem? You're so much better than this. He is treating you so poorly and you can do better.

Have you spoken to friends in real life about this?

Would you allow a man to treat your daughter like this?

Hi yes I do. I got with my daughters father when I was 15 he was 27 and at the time i didnt think it was bad . I didn’t have a very good childhood . Loads of domestic violence , alcohol induced . Numerous men , I would say a mentally unstable mother with an awful temper . I could go on and on. If my daughter come home and had a boyfriend that age I would be phoning the police and holding her hostage in the house . But my mother enforced it . Leaving me on weekends to go away or out then saying ask my ex to stay with me . I didn’t want to see him one night because I wanted to see my friends and he kept phoning the house phone . I remember coming home to my mother flipping out and going mad on me for not seeing him saying he deserves Some one better . My mother always put me down , looks , weight . I was fat like a hippo too skinny I could never win . Then the ex cheated from the very start . He would cheat on me a few times a month then come home early hours and wake me up , start humping the door and would say a girls name who he had slept with that night over and over again . He would say i do it because your fat and ugly and you turn me sick . He was controlling , if I text my friends he would smash my phone against the wall, he was violent on times too . Give me a disease then blamed me even tho id onky ever slept with him . I walked in on him having sex with some girl on his friends sofa . I could go on for hours but he and growing up done a number on me .

OP posts:
Butterflyarms · 08/01/2026 13:09

Yabu to stay with him. Move on. You are worth way more than this loser.

Mischance · 08/01/2026 13:11

Another thread where (assuming it is real) the only possible response is - why the heck are you with him?

TheBewleySisters · 08/01/2026 13:13

OP - you commented that your life is a mess at the moment. By hanging on to this pathetic excuse for a man, it's not going to get less messy. I think you are blinded to what is actually happening to you. IT IS ALL HIS FAULT!!!! But you do have to step away - for your own health, your mental health, your happiness - leave him, block him. Listen to the wise woman on this thread who are all telling you the same thing. Life is very short, why waste your one precious life with this person, when you could be happy? No more anxiety, no more crying in your car, no more shithead boyfriend shouting at you. Please, we are all begging you. Do the right thing - bin him off.

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:13

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:08

Hi yes I do. I got with my daughters father when I was 15 he was 27 and at the time i didnt think it was bad . I didn’t have a very good childhood . Loads of domestic violence , alcohol induced . Numerous men , I would say a mentally unstable mother with an awful temper . I could go on and on. If my daughter come home and had a boyfriend that age I would be phoning the police and holding her hostage in the house . But my mother enforced it . Leaving me on weekends to go away or out then saying ask my ex to stay with me . I didn’t want to see him one night because I wanted to see my friends and he kept phoning the house phone . I remember coming home to my mother flipping out and going mad on me for not seeing him saying he deserves Some one better . My mother always put me down , looks , weight . I was fat like a hippo too skinny I could never win . Then the ex cheated from the very start . He would cheat on me a few times a month then come home early hours and wake me up , start humping the door and would say a girls name who he had slept with that night over and over again . He would say i do it because your fat and ugly and you turn me sick . He was controlling , if I text my friends he would smash my phone against the wall, he was violent on times too . Give me a disease then blamed me even tho id onky ever slept with him . I walked in on him having sex with some girl on his friends sofa . I could go on for hours but he and growing up done a number on me .

I have also spoken to my friends in the past . I don’t anymore because I he told him and he hates it . Says I only put him down to them . But I only what has gone on . They all say the same as you all on here . We were away on the weekend . And if you read my other posts you will know what happened . Well he got drunk and kept drinking because what I said pisses him off . And after hours of putting up with him starting I said to him I got to leave amd go home . He said if I do he will slit my tyres and then told me to go. I got in the car and he came out with a knife and kept saying to reverse because I won’t have any tyres left if I do . So after the phone call to him judt now he brought that weekend up and said I caused too

OP posts: