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Have I ruined everything

531 replies

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:32

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

OP posts:
YourBrickTiger · 08/01/2026 13:37

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:32

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

I won't go on about it here, but I've had a very similar experience to what you describe. More than once actually. Please do try to leave, before this all destroys you pet.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 08/01/2026 13:37

He's an inadequate weirdo who doesn't respect your boundaries. What is it about him that's so great you put up with this shit at the expense of your own self esteem and mental health?

Just break up with him. I know you are probably thinking 'it's not that simple' but honestly, it really really is. Don't be so afraid to be alone for a while that even this poor excuse for a relationship seems better than nothing.

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:38

Pineappleice43 · 08/01/2026 12:58

It's not you.
Sorry to sound harsh but do you usually have low self esteem? You're so much better than this. He is treating you so poorly and you can do better.

Have you spoken to friends in real life about this?

Would you allow a man to treat your daughter like this?

Hi me again , I forgot to put what I meant to say on the end of my reply to you . When I was mentioning about what happened when we went away , what really scared me about leaving him is he said that when you leave next time Im going to fuck off . He said i got the camper van now , hes going to get rid of his dog and get a better behaved one and go and never come back . Said he would go Scotland and work and the windmills or something like that . Said he doesn’t need me or anyone . And that scares me because obviously I don’t want him to go . And mainly because I’m scared he will meet someone else and they will be happy . And have the life that I always wanted for him and us . I tried my hardest to help him . Apparently all his friends say how much he’s changed and he flips out at me for apparently not seeing it . But to me change in complete change . Not still taking drugs and getting pissed a few times a month . But these friends who say this also are the ones still taking drugs with him and texting him to meet up to do drugs . Iv had an issue with everyone he bothered with even in work . Hated them all because I thought for so long it was them . Then I finally realised that it’s him . No one is forcing him to do drugs . Because it’s not just out of work it’s in work too . Hes lost his job because of drugs in the past so you think he would of learnt but he told me he used to smoke weed every day do coke in the week in his house on his own nearly all the time so now it’s not every day he thinks I should praise him for changing . But like I said to me its not change . I don’t do anything to hurt him and I never would . I know I can be horrible with what I say but it’s only because of how hurt I am . I think loads of times he deserves Someone better than me .

OP posts:
theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:40

ErickBroch · 08/01/2026 13:28

You posted a whole thread on this man a couple of days ago, why create a new one and not add when everyone had been giving you great/ advice? He’s an awful man, you need to leave.

Hi sorry I felt embarrassed so I made a new name but I did put on this thread what I have done and my old user name

OP posts:
Mangelwurzelfortea · 08/01/2026 13:43

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:38

Hi me again , I forgot to put what I meant to say on the end of my reply to you . When I was mentioning about what happened when we went away , what really scared me about leaving him is he said that when you leave next time Im going to fuck off . He said i got the camper van now , hes going to get rid of his dog and get a better behaved one and go and never come back . Said he would go Scotland and work and the windmills or something like that . Said he doesn’t need me or anyone . And that scares me because obviously I don’t want him to go . And mainly because I’m scared he will meet someone else and they will be happy . And have the life that I always wanted for him and us . I tried my hardest to help him . Apparently all his friends say how much he’s changed and he flips out at me for apparently not seeing it . But to me change in complete change . Not still taking drugs and getting pissed a few times a month . But these friends who say this also are the ones still taking drugs with him and texting him to meet up to do drugs . Iv had an issue with everyone he bothered with even in work . Hated them all because I thought for so long it was them . Then I finally realised that it’s him . No one is forcing him to do drugs . Because it’s not just out of work it’s in work too . Hes lost his job because of drugs in the past so you think he would of learnt but he told me he used to smoke weed every day do coke in the week in his house on his own nearly all the time so now it’s not every day he thinks I should praise him for changing . But like I said to me its not change . I don’t do anything to hurt him and I never would . I know I can be horrible with what I say but it’s only because of how hurt I am . I think loads of times he deserves Someone better than me .

He's an abuser, not a 'catch.' It sounds like you're really struggling with your mental health and can't see the wood for the trees. Please do seek professional help.

Wordsmithery · 08/01/2026 13:43

To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.

I've stopped reading here. Honestly there's nothing you could say that will redeem him now. You deserve so much better. Leave.

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:45

Mangelwurzelfortea · 08/01/2026 13:43

He's an abuser, not a 'catch.' It sounds like you're really struggling with your mental health and can't see the wood for the trees. Please do seek professional help.

Edited

Sorry I do blabber on when im
upset. I just got so much on my mind all at once

OP posts:
freakingscared · 08/01/2026 13:45

Leave him ? He clearly has a sexual disfunction and trying to gaslight you into thinking it’s you ! please for your own mental health leave him , don’t waste your time on other this looser

Happyjoe · 08/01/2026 13:46

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:40

I didn’t see everyone else’s comments . I honestly didn’t expect this many so soon or at least I didn’t think for one second that I would have anyone understanding how this has made me feel. Thankyou so much. I honestly don’t know if he still watches porn . He says he doesn’t . Even swears on certain peoples lives . But hes done that numerous times wirh other things like cocaine and weed use . These are the only things that I am controlling about because I hate drugs and don’t want them in my life . Hes swore so many times then denies even promising me then makes me feel like a horrible person because he says Im controlling and why does what he does affect me . I try to tell him because I don’t want a partner to do drugs . But he still doesn’t get it and then loses it .

As the others have said, he's awful. You deserve so so much more than a druggy, porn addicted man with his own massive issues.

Please, time to get out of this very harmful relationship. Sending hugs.

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:48

I just want to Thankyou all so much for commenting . I know how pathetic I am and am coming across . I will get back to you all individually when I leave work. At least il try my best as I honestly didn’t expect 5 replies amd theres over 200. I have read every comment and I know your all right that I have to leave . I tell him quite often that I think he doesn’t love me . I think he does but not in the right way . Hes definitely got issues . I know he went through not a good childhood . Abusive father ect. But so did I . And I’d never treat anyone the way he treats me .

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 08/01/2026 13:49

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:40

Hi sorry I felt embarrassed so I made a new name but I did put on this thread what I have done and my old user name

What’s the point of this thread @theheckisgoingon28 ?

You’ve posted about this worthless man many times before, including where you said you’d ended it for good last August, but here you are posting the same issues yet again. You get given lots of good advice with so many posters being very concerned for you yet you ignore it all and pop up with a new almost identical thread a month or two later. What’s the point?

Here’s an example of a previous thread by the OP with the same issues:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5438432-dont-know-why-i-feel-the-bad-one?reply=148310657

Dont know why I feel the bad one | Mumsnet

Hi this is pretty long but thankyou if you can get to the end . been with my boyfriend two years . It’s been very rocky me leaving quite a few times...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5438432-dont-know-why-i-feel-the-bad-one?reply=148310657

RubyFatball · 08/01/2026 13:49

I’ve read many a sad and depressing thing on here in the 12+ years I’ve been here, and many a vile and disgusting thing, but this really is up there among the worst. I haven’t read the whole thread but I sure hope that by page 12 the OP has mustered the strength to leave this sorry specimen. OP none of what you’ve said in your first few posts is normal or acceptable. It strikes me that you don’t think you can trust the feelings of disgust you’re experiencing. I wonder if you want to consider sharing what you’re going through with him with friends or family who could support you, or talking therapy (free or low-cost self referral is available in many areas, in England at least). You deserve better than this slimy revolting fucker. Leave him, today.

RubyFatball · 08/01/2026 13:50

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/01/2026 13:49

What’s the point of this thread @theheckisgoingon28 ?

You’ve posted about this worthless man many times before, including where you said you’d ended it for good last August, but here you are posting the same issues yet again. You get given lots of good advice with so many posters being very concerned for you yet you ignore it all and pop up with a new almost identical thread a month or two later. What’s the point?

Here’s an example of a previous thread by the OP with the same issues:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5438432-dont-know-why-i-feel-the-bad-one?reply=148310657

Not helpful. Tell me you don’t understand trauma and complex post traumatic states without telling me. The OP needs patience and support, not this.

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:52

I will write one more before I go for now , as for everyone saying that hes still a porn addict . I don’t think he is, I hope isnt . Things have improved dramatically sex wise . For about a year . And also he never blames me for issues with sex he will admit it’s him . But I am a nightmare because I will ask him if hes watched porn sometimes and I don’t know why I do it because it never ends well. He says Im angry and I love putting him down but all I say is what he does . And im not angry Im sad . Iv never once had a hug when iv been upset . I would love him to hug me and just reassure me . Maybe I woundnt be the way I am now

OP posts:
blobby10 · 08/01/2026 13:53

@theheckisgoingon28 please please do leave this man. He makes you feel worthless (you are not) he makes you think you are pathetic (you are not) he continually does things which upset you, you live on eggshells around him and his dog, he does NOT respect you, he does NOT love you, he will NEVER change.. never ever ever!!
your posts are heart rending to read and I wish I was your mum/aunt/friend and could help you pack your bags and get out of there. Flowers

RubyFatball · 08/01/2026 13:55

Getting “hugs” from this man would be like drinking from a poisoned well. Of course you want love and happiness- we all do - but you’re knocking on the wrong door with this guy, he’s never going to be able to give you what you need. All the time you’re spending deluded that he can and will, is time you’re wasting that could be spent living your best life. That he’s ok “sometimes” is not enough. You deserve better. You can’t get better till you get rid. Think about it!

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/01/2026 13:56

RubyFatball · 08/01/2026 13:50

Not helpful. Tell me you don’t understand trauma and complex post traumatic states without telling me. The OP needs patience and support, not this.

I disagree. It’s helpful for the posters on here who are emotionally impacted by the OP’s story and genuinely upset and concerned that they are aware that this is a repeating pattern. They need to know that their heartfelt advice will be ignored so they don’t get their hopes up too much that she will listen or change.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 08/01/2026 13:56

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:40

I didn’t see everyone else’s comments . I honestly didn’t expect this many so soon or at least I didn’t think for one second that I would have anyone understanding how this has made me feel. Thankyou so much. I honestly don’t know if he still watches porn . He says he doesn’t . Even swears on certain peoples lives . But hes done that numerous times wirh other things like cocaine and weed use . These are the only things that I am controlling about because I hate drugs and don’t want them in my life . Hes swore so many times then denies even promising me then makes me feel like a horrible person because he says Im controlling and why does what he does affect me . I try to tell him because I don’t want a partner to do drugs . But he still doesn’t get it and then loses it .

Using pornography - valid reason to leave. Coerced and trafficked women, rape culture, etc. Not cheating, but morally unacceptable in itself.

Masturbation - not a particularly valid reason to leave. Is not cheating, if you asked 1000 men to put their hands up if they never masturbated, 998 of them would put their left hand up and the other two would be ambidextrous.

Sending you videos of him masturbating when you don't want to see that - valid reason to leave.

Using cocaine - why the fuck haven't you left him already?

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:58

RubyFatball · 08/01/2026 13:50

Not helpful. Tell me you don’t understand trauma and complex post traumatic states without telling me. The OP needs patience and support, not this.

Hi I did post on here my original user name . And if anyone wanted to look at my previous they could . I know how pathetic I am myself so it’s ok . I understand why you posted this . Thankyou for your comment

OP posts:
Garroty · 08/01/2026 13:58

OP this is so fucking sad. This man is ruining your life, absolutely ruining it, and you're watching it happen. HE is the reason you're so anxious, the reason you have low self esteem. He's a revolting pervert specifically getting off on sending you gross videos he knows you don't want. You being upset by them is the reason he sends them, he's getting off on abusing you.

ScarletSwan · 08/01/2026 14:01

He's addicted to porn and drugs and sends you videos of him masturbating. He watches porn when you have sex. He lives in a destroyed house with a feral dog which wrecks anything within reach including apparently the sitting room. Life is short. Don't waste it on this awful man. Men should not be considered a project where you take unpromising material and attempt to make them into a normal human being. He makes you miserable and unhappy. There are men out there with useable sitting rooms who don't send their girlfriends grubby videos - its not a high bar to find somebody better.

Ithinkihatethislittlelife · 08/01/2026 14:06

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:38

Hi me again , I forgot to put what I meant to say on the end of my reply to you . When I was mentioning about what happened when we went away , what really scared me about leaving him is he said that when you leave next time Im going to fuck off . He said i got the camper van now , hes going to get rid of his dog and get a better behaved one and go and never come back . Said he would go Scotland and work and the windmills or something like that . Said he doesn’t need me or anyone . And that scares me because obviously I don’t want him to go . And mainly because I’m scared he will meet someone else and they will be happy . And have the life that I always wanted for him and us . I tried my hardest to help him . Apparently all his friends say how much he’s changed and he flips out at me for apparently not seeing it . But to me change in complete change . Not still taking drugs and getting pissed a few times a month . But these friends who say this also are the ones still taking drugs with him and texting him to meet up to do drugs . Iv had an issue with everyone he bothered with even in work . Hated them all because I thought for so long it was them . Then I finally realised that it’s him . No one is forcing him to do drugs . Because it’s not just out of work it’s in work too . Hes lost his job because of drugs in the past so you think he would of learnt but he told me he used to smoke weed every day do coke in the week in his house on his own nearly all the time so now it’s not every day he thinks I should praise him for changing . But like I said to me its not change . I don’t do anything to hurt him and I never would . I know I can be horrible with what I say but it’s only because of how hurt I am . I think loads of times he deserves Someone better than me .

He Will never be happy with anyone else.

He will grind them down too because he’s an abusive bastard.

The best outcome is for him to fuck off into the sunset. He won’t though. He’s only saying that so you’ll stay with him.

Ella31 · 08/01/2026 14:06

People here need to be reminded that the reason domestic abuse against women is so common and prevalent is because the men who do it are really good at breaking these women down emotionally, physically and financially. There'a a reason why womens aid exists because these low lifes literally destroy women inside and out, often leaving them confused, afraid and feeling they are wrong. Giving out to the op for not leaving or making excuses is not helping. If you have advice or links great, but giving out to her for posting before is riddiculous. It's tiring seeing victim blaming going on.

Ella31 · 08/01/2026 14:11

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 13:58

Hi I did post on here my original user name . And if anyone wanted to look at my previous they could . I know how pathetic I am myself so it’s ok . I understand why you posted this . Thankyou for your comment

You are not pathetic. You are a victim of emotional abuse. I dont know why people are judging you for your past posts. You were then and still are in a shit relstionship. That's common place for women who are been emotionally abused. If I were you, come off AIBU and will you please ring womens aid. At least see what they think and advise. They know better than the keyboard warriors here who are giving out to you for reaching out for help again. Which I'm glad you have but as you can see some posters love shouting out why are you still with him but yet cant understand the very basic elements of abusive and maniipulative relationships. Please come off this and ring womens aid

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