Have I ruined everything

[theheckisgoingon28]

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

You’ve been with this dud less than 2 years and had this issue for almost that whole time. Just end it? What’s the issue?

And then sending me videos of him wanking as soon as I left his house to go to work , obviously to porn and then telling me how much of a good wank he had .

He's utterly vile.

He's a revolting POS. Pack your stuff and leave NOW. Block him on every possible way of contacting you and never speak to him again.

deja vu...

the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different outcome.

OP with the greatest respect why would listen to anyone who is drunk and out their tits on speed and take them seriously? why would you give two shiny shits about what he says? why are you listening to him all over again?

Why speak to him at all when he will always turn everything around on you?

Best way to deal with him is don't answer the phone and engage - how can you be arsed to listen to a 55 min. rant? Put the phone down and go and do something which makes you happy.

Saying if he wants a wank he will have a wank and loads of other things

Well of course he's entitled to masturbate if he feels the need. But that's where his entitlement ends.

This is now a me problem . And I apologise all the time . But because of everything I dealt with for a year maybe more . About the porn , never being able to finsh with me , wanking after hours of trying then being able to finish himself within minutes, sneakily watching porn having sex with me and me thinking he managed to finish because of me . And then sending me videos of him wanking as soon as I left his house to go to work , obviously to porn and then telling me how much of a good wank he had

All of this is not something he's entitled to do. He's a sexual and emotional screw-up. He's a vile, abusive piece of shit. So what if he has ADHD? So fucking what? That's not your problem to cure either. Stop wasting a minute more trying to understand, excuse or psychoanalyse him and just dump this revolting loser. You are going full circle now, talking about him taking booze up the mountain to drown his sorrows again, and yelling at you on the phone. Stop re-hashing the same scenarios over and over. They won't change until you make them change. Tell him it's finished, mean it, block his number, move on.

Just to summarise, this guy:
-Sends videos of himself masturbating
-Sends gross messages about his masturbating
-Threatened to torture and kill you
-Gaslights and manipulates you
-Gets angry and shouts and swears
-Takes lots of drugs and lies about it
-Drinks too much, and behaves abusively when drunk
-Watches porn and lies about it, including during sex
-Says misogynistic things like 'all women are slags'
-Manipulatively threatens to kill himself
-Has no job, and stays in bed making no effort to get one
-Has an untrained/uncontrolled dog which is awful to live with

Have I missed anything?

I would love to know what you do for work, as you seem to spend a lot of your time in your workplace stressed out and pontificating about this man.

Spend significantly less time wondering about him and his behaviours, and more time on why on earth you choose to stay around for this. Not if you are in the wrong, if you said the right thing, if x,y,z shit show scenario is useful, but literally why the hell am I still choosing and tolerating this. Just stop it.

do seem so determined to prove that you are right, that you cant see the wood for the trees.
I know this scenario, as Ive lived it too. Its the effect of living with a liar when you are someone who, because of your childhood and past relationship history, needs honesty and truth to feel safe.
And you dont know what love is.
Really, believe me, you dont.
You think its to do with crumbs and sex

It really, really, isnt,

You will drive yourself crazy trying to know whats going on in his head - I mean, listen to yourself - look back at your posts, it ALL about him, about what he said, about what he feels, about trying to understand the whats, the wheres, the whys - there is no space left for you to think about anything else for a second, because even thoughts about yourself have him right at the centre of it.

I went to therapy and was told 2 things. Firstly, I was so busy firefighting every problem that he made, that I didnt have the mental space to actually realise I could step away from the drama. I wanted to fix it, but it was not fixable, becuae what I was trying to fix was broken beyond repair and not my job to fix.

And secondly I went because I had a relationship problem that I wanted to sort out (which is kind of the same as above) The therapist from an outside perspective could see very clearly - as everyone here can see very clearly - that I didnt have a relationship problem. The relationship WAS the problem, and once that was out of the way and my brain was able to break the habit of centering him in everything, it had the space to then start working on the unhelpful messages about myself and about relationships that I had picked up along my life.

I hope you stick with the freedom programme. I hope you ope your eyes. I hope you can pull your mind off ever getting the truth from this bloke.

That is a really wise and caring post, @NettleTea - I am sorry you had to go through that, but I’m glad you have come through it, and it’s amazing that you are using your experience to help someone else.

Im so exhausted again this morning . Im so fed up of coming to work and feeling like this

You don't have to. Ever again. End it now.

No you haven’t. But he has.

OP. I have read your thread and am horrified. I am glad he has ended things because you might not have managed to do it. Now that he has, PLEASE block his number and NEVER speak to him again.

Do the Freedom Programme and enjoy a wonderful life without this utter psycho x

I would like to know if anyone can see my point of view or am I just point blank controlling . Thankyou

Would it make any difference OP? You've had multiple threads with pages and pages telling you the same thing and here you are again asking.

It's like watching someone self harm.

Tell him to sling his hook, put your phone away before your boss notices and focus on being by yourself for a bit.

He's not going to meet your needs. Not ever.

Are you actually reading people’s responses to you, OP? As not one person has called you controlling.

We've said you need to end this and asked why you haven’t. Over and over and over again. And you’ve ignored us all. Over and over and over again.

What is going on here?

Same old story unfortunately

I thought you split up though?

OP please tell me you didn’t take him back…..!

You have taken a massive first step signing up to the Freedom Programme - you must never go back to this man or talk to him again. Why are you having 55 minute long conversations with someone who dumped you a few days ago and is being drunkenly abusive?

You don’t have any issue to resolve about your feelings about him wanking. You aren’t getting worked up about him quietly wanking in his own privacy with no impact on you. You are anxious about him sending you videos and constantly viewing porn to the point it affects his real life sex life with you. This isn’t an unreasonable thing for you to feel. This issue is his. GET. RID. OF. HIM.

If you are leaving him why are you still making excuses for him and blaming yourself. No one has said your controlling about his wanking, everyone has said his behaviour is awful and to leave.

I recently did the freedom programme and the pattern changing programme, I would highly recommend doing both. Maybe you will then realise that his behaviour towards you and porn isn’t normal.

Why are you even talking to him? Ridiculous.

Well, he’s right. You don’t like it (his behaviour) and you would be better off with someone else - perhaps after a spell on your own first - so follow his advice and walk away.

He cares so little, he’s telling you to clear off, so why don’t you?

@theheckisgoingon28 nothing anyone is saying seems to be getting through to you. No one thinks you are controlling/selfish/in the wrong, only that he is disgusting, cruel, abusive and manipulative, from our view he has no redeeming features. From the outside it seems absurd that you would stay with a man who causes you such grief and contributes nothing but misery and anxiety to your life, especially as there is no physical reason (shared children/home/finances) stopping you from ending this immediately.

Could you instead tell us 5 genuinely good things about your relationship with this man? Perhaps if you think about your relationship in these terms you might be able to realise that there really is no good reason to stay, as all the bad things you seem to want to defend or blame on yourself.

Try it, 5 genuinely good qualities about this man that make all of this worth it.

If he never comes to you @theheckisgoingon28 and it is only you going to him, that should
make estrangement very straightforward?

Hi . Iv done it. It’s been three days I know not long at all but iv ignored his texts , calls everything . Even deactivated my social media . And turned my phone off for most of this time . Im feeling so anxious tho . It feels like it comes in waves .

iv been keeping my self busy deep cleaning my house , car , garden , and taking my dog to the beach . But still I feel lost

Good on you @theheckisgoingon28

I bet your daughter is over the moon. What about spending day with her doing something nice?

Well done! This is such a strong thing that you’ve done to invest in a better future for yourself.

Please continue to be strong, keep ignoring this horrible man and in a few weeks you’ll wonder why you were ever together to begin with!