Bless you OP
Firstly, this man is a monster. He is deliberately provoking your fears to keep you on the back foot and destroy whatever self esteem you have.
Very simplistically you are not good for each other. You wont be able to recover yourself, because he is feeding into it. And he has created a situation by provoking your boundaries that is untenable for him, and because you keep interrogating him about it he feels a righteous defense and feels angry/helpless when you get upset.
He does not have the mental maturity to work through this, and he obviously gets off on it in some way because he is making it worse. He doesnt care enough to stop the enjoyment he gets from hurting you - whether he sees it as justification for your 'controlling' (which I dont think is controlling btw) - these games are dangerous for your mental well being, and you need to step off the treadmill.
You cannot do anything to alter his behaviour, and clinging onto him purely because you are afraid that he might make a happy life elsewhere is really cutting off your nose to spite your face. It wont happen, its a fantasy, he is totally incapable of doing it. And it doesnt matter. Even if he lived a perfect life with someone else, he CANNOT live that life with you, because the dynamics of your relationship are set already.
Likewise he knows he wont find a whipping girl elsewhere, hence his threats of killing himself or running away, designed to pull you back in if you attempt to leave. These are not genuine threats. These are more game playing manipulations - some of the oldest in the book. You know what you do with those? Call his bluff. He wont fuck off. He wont kill himself. And if threatens - well you dial 999 and get professionals involved - sadly paramedics are well versed in giving these false flaggers a tearing down they wont forget, and if he was genuine, well they are the people to deal with someone that mentally ill - not some poor woman who is up to her neck in his baggage.
You cant deal with his baggage. It was deep in there - his addictions, his hatred of women - long before you turned up. Men like that cant be helped until they want to be, and most of them dont.
But your baggage, well you can do something about that. You obviously did not have any positive role models for relationships, nor nurturing, growing up. Quite the opposite.
You were not brought up to be safe from the abusive and predatory men out there - your ex included
This video explains why you may be vulnerable
You have massive trauma too, I would imagine that feeds in to your reactions and rejection fears. I would seriously suggest looking at some counselling. The freedom programme is probably best for when you feel you are ready to have a relationship again, but I feel you need some support for yourself first, to fill those holes left by yopur childhood.
You cant work on yourself while entangled in the mess of this relationship though. Please walk away and block him everywhere. A year from now, with help and support, you will hnot believe how much you will have changed and how much stronger you will feel, and your stomach will rightfully be turned by even the thought of this creep.
But dont blame yourself. Its not your fault.