Have I ruined everything

[theheckisgoingon28]

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

@theheckisgoingon28

I think that being single would be far preferable to being with this loser guy. He brings nothing positive to your life and certainly does not love or care for you.

He is abusing you. Domestic Violence isn’t confined to hitting or beating up a partner; it can be emotional or financial abuse. There is help available and you should reach out as you clearly can’t see the wood for the trees:

You can do a free online course or attend a local venue in your area of “The Freedom Programme” (there are contact details in the link below if you want to book a place on the course)

www.freedomprogramme.co,uk

Btw: what does your family think of this guy? Have they ever been to his residence?

I think whether he watches porn or not is almost by the by - sounds like just one of a myriad of issues, the main one being he’s a total nut job. Have you considered calling Women’s Aid or doing the Freedom Program? x

Fuck me he sounds horrific - OP you deserve SO MUCH MORE IN LIFE. Get the fuck out and don’t ever look back.

I can't imagine he's going to find women in the wilds of Scotland queueing for several hours of boring painful attempts at sex in a camper van with a drug user who sounds thick as a brick as well as crass and abusive. So I'd try not to let a fantasy of him making some woman who isn't you happy intrude too much. It's never going to happen. He may find a new victim, but she is to be pitied not envied.
You fear change and you fear loss. And that makes you hang on to something horrible because you think its better than facing those things. However, once you've been brave and done it, it will be so much better.

@theheckisgoingon28 you said in an earlier post that you don't want him to go.
Why don't you want him to go?

Does he bring you joy?
When did he last do someting that made you happy?
Do you look forward to seeing him or getting messages from him?

Have a think about the answers to those questions, then ask yourself again - why don't you want him to go?

You are being abused LTB

Leave him.

He is horrible, cruel, selfish, an addict, a liar, and even your dog isn't safe around him.

You have a home, a family, a lovely dog, a full time job, and you're still young enough to change your life.

Start by ending this relationship and block him on everything. Then find yourself a really kind and experienced therapist or counsellor to help you figure out why you have allowed such an awful man to control you for so long.

This. I voted YABU because I can’t understand why you are still with someone and still having sex with someone like this. After what seems like years?? Why???

SO LEAVE HIM. My God Op. Just don’t go back! Tell him you’ll contact the police if he ever contacts you again and then never speak to him.

Imagine your life without him - calm, quiet, no arguments, no stress, no anxiety.

STOP FUCKING SEEING HIM. You’re abusing yourself at this point by going back to him. Why do you think you deserve abuse??

Bluntly, it IS you

Because you arent listening to anyone here or even to yourself

You don't have to listen to him, stay with him, meet him ever again

Yet here you are spending time and effort you don't need to trying to work out how to make the most vile man I have read about in a long while someone you can fix

Maybe fix yourself. You are worth the effort, if you persuade yourself to focus on what you want, what you need

He doesn’t Op. He doesnt love you at all… in fact he likely hates you. You’re just the only human who will put up with him.

You need to sort your boundaries out before you enter into relationship.
You honestly need to be single for a while.
Your man is disgusting.

If he did ever manage to fool another woman into being with him, I can guarantee they won't be happy, no matter how it looks from the outside. After the mask slips, he will treat her exactly the same way as he has treated you.

He is an abuser and an addict. And that won't change.

I am sorry for all your trauma but my sympathy is limited.

This is in your hands. You are not married to him, you do not live with him, you are not financially dependent on him.

If you stay with him for one more minute of your life, then you are choosing to do so.
Walk away.
let him watch porn. Let him wank to oblivion. Let him take drugs.
Not your concern.
Block him. No further communication of any sort. FROM NOW.

If you don't block him, then you are choosing to be abused for some strange reason of your own. And for that I have no sympathy. You have young people. set them a example ffs.

Understandable. It's really easy for all of us reading your posts to say leave this man - and honestly, it objectively is the best thing for you to do - but you seem to be trapped in a cycle where you think you love and need him, and can't see him for what he is, which is a manipulative porn-addicted druggie. Would you want your daughter dating someone like that? I am sure you wouldn't. So apply the same standards to yourself. Ring Women's Aid or speak to your GP about getting some counselling to work on your self-esteem issues, then hopefully what seems really clear to everyone on this thread will become clear to you. The question isn't 'have I ruined everything' - as there's nothing good in your relationship to ruin - it's 'why has the arsehole I'm dating ruined everything and how quickly can I leave him?' Good luck with it all.

So you’re staying with a man who says he’s going to find you and murder you? that he wants to and is capable of torturing you? And you think he loves you? Don’t kid yourself OP.

You’re older that me and you need to grow up now. Stop letting men abuse you. He won’t find some new woman to be happy with because he’s literally the dregs of society. An abusive, Misogynist, drug addict, violent man who thinks it’s his right to terrify you. Let him fuck off. See a therapist.

Any reason is a valid reason to leave.

I just don't wan to be here anymore will do.

This needed reposting.

Every single day, I go on mumsnet and I think at least once "Do you realise you are not obliged to be in a relationship with this vile man?"

Like, you're really not. Even when you are married, you can get divorced. A bofriend? You can drop him any time you like, for whatever reason you like.

I think it's more the point that her posts are always virtual streams-of-consciousness rather than any responses to the points made.

She really doesn't appear to want to listen at all.

But she won't listen to you either.

I'd really like to know how old her daughter is and whether she has anything to do with vile excuse for a human

Have read your previous posts so much crap from him just in 3 months. You give off a lovely vibe from your posts , but I highly doubt you're going to finish things with him. He doesn't love you , value you or respect you and you will lose absolutely every part of yourself before you lose him and that's sad as there is so much better you could do, either single or in the future someone non toxic. He will not change.

I can’t even stomach reading your full post OP. WTF are you doing with him?

Why have you made a new thread about the same issue? We all said in the last one to LTB so why would you expect different answers this time?

Can you access a councillor/ therapy ?