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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DHs overly friendly relationship with his colleague

121 replies

Endieo · 08/01/2026 03:39

My DH recently got a new colleague, he is part of a small team and there are only 2 other people technically on his level.
His newest colleague is pretty young, 25 and is replacing his closest work friend.

Anyway part of his job involves working some odd hours. Namely every other Saturday morning for 2-3 hours, and 2 evenings a month roughly. He has gotten into a habit of after the recurring monthly event going out for dinner with the new girl. 3 months in now and he’s just told me he’s going out for dinner with her after the event next week, they’ve even booked a table. They also tend to go out for lunch together after the Saturday event and he’s told me that most days they go for lunch together when they are both in the office. It feels a bit odd to me how close they are. I don’t think I have any colleagues who I go for lunch with 3 days a week, dinner with once a month and then longer lunches every other Saturday.
I told him I found it odd and he said I’m being strange and they are just colleagues with lots in common.

AIBU to find this a bit intense for colleagues?

OP posts:
Katflapkit · 08/01/2026 04:06

Depends, I used go out to lunch with my boss a lot. He was married with two kids. I was mostly single until the last two years. Nothing ever happened, not even close. We are still in touch on social media. He sends me photos of his grandkids.

You know your DH better than we do. Does he have a roving eye? Has he got form? Do you trust him?

Dgll · 08/01/2026 04:15

When I was in my 20s a remarkable amount of middle aged men felt they had a lot in common with me. Now I'm middle aged myself they no longer feel this way.

Sally2791 · 08/01/2026 04:23

It’s not ok. Doubt he’ll admit it though

cantpullthetrigger · 08/01/2026 04:27

Not ok. Workday lunches no issue, but Saturdays and evenings? That’s coming out of your family/couple time.

SomewhatAnnoyed · 08/01/2026 05:03

cantpullthetrigger · 08/01/2026 04:27

Not ok. Workday lunches no issue, but Saturdays and evenings? That’s coming out of your family/couple time.

Exactly - he should be wanting to get back to you and your kids if you have them - especially on a Saturday. What is his excuse for prolonging the time they spend together? He needs it drawing to his attention and spelled out exactly how much time he is spending with her already, on top of these extra hours in her company, which are superfluous, unless he really likes her.

Did he go out for all these meals with his ex work colleague she is replacing?

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/01/2026 05:07

cantpullthetrigger · 08/01/2026 04:27

Not ok. Workday lunches no issue, but Saturdays and evenings? That’s coming out of your family/couple time.

and who is paying for him to go out for meals with another woman? Is that a work expense or are you as a family paying for that?

how often does he take you out for meals?

Original poster
Endieo · 08/01/2026 05:10

So to clarify, generally speaking we alternate Saturdays as our “adult days”, one week I have the kids and he works/goes out with friends/plays tennis/goes to the pub, the next week he has the kids and I go out.
Sundays are our family day. I guess I find it uncomfortable as she’s a young woman, and they are alone.

He claims she has a boyfriend but that doesn’t really change anything for me or make me more comfortable, I also don’t know it’s true.

He’s never been this close to a work colleague before.

OP posts:
CarrierbagsAndPJs · 08/01/2026 06:31

Endieo · 08/01/2026 05:10

So to clarify, generally speaking we alternate Saturdays as our “adult days”, one week I have the kids and he works/goes out with friends/plays tennis/goes to the pub, the next week he has the kids and I go out.
Sundays are our family day. I guess I find it uncomfortable as she’s a young woman, and they are alone.

He claims she has a boyfriend but that doesn’t really change anything for me or make me more comfortable, I also don’t know it’s true.

He’s never been this close to a work colleague before.

How often do you go out on dates together? Is it as often as he does with his colleague?

Egglio · 08/01/2026 06:33

If he didn't do this with his previous best mate work colleague, then there is your answer.

Snowingtoday · 08/01/2026 06:33

So basically they are having a date with each other every other Saturday? And having evening dinner dates?
He already spends more time with her than you because they work together and yet he is chosing to spend his leisure time with her instead of you?
I'm sorry but it sounds as though he regards theirs as his primary relationship, not your marriage OP.

Barrellturn · 08/01/2026 06:35

I would explain that as the senior and older person it looks bad and puts the woman under pressure. She probably doesn't want to be letched over in her free time. Ita embarrassing for him too. Tell him that.

lemonzlimez · 08/01/2026 06:36

Are the dinner dates and long lunches paid ‘work time’ or, outside of expected working hours? If it’s the latter then you have your answer. It wouldn’t sit well with me OP!

Clarabell77 · 08/01/2026 06:38

What age is your husband?

Regardless of the answer, YANBU.

Lobelia123 · 08/01/2026 06:45

cantpullthetrigger · 08/01/2026 04:27

Not ok. Workday lunches no issue, but Saturdays and evenings? That’s coming out of your family/couple time.

Exactly. This is starting to move into the realm of a date.

BusyMum47 · 08/01/2026 06:50

cantpullthetrigger · 08/01/2026 04:27

Not ok. Workday lunches no issue, but Saturdays and evenings? That’s coming out of your family/couple time.

This! ⬆️ I'd be pissed off that he's choosing to go for a leisurely lunch with her after every Saturday shift instead of coming home to spend time with his family. It does all sound a bit suspicious. You need to tell him again how you feel & judge his reaction.

TennisLady · 08/01/2026 06:54

Yep sorry this isn’t ok. Strange how he never went for dinner and lunch dates with previous colleague he was friends with, but of course he does with a woman in her 20s…. Yes I’m sure they’ve got tons in common.

bumptybum · 08/01/2026 06:56

Dgll · 08/01/2026 04:15

When I was in my 20s a remarkable amount of middle aged men felt they had a lot in common with me. Now I'm middle aged myself they no longer feel this way.

Absolutely correct

Silverbirchleaf · 08/01/2026 06:56

As far as he’s concerned, he’s just going for a meal with a work colleague, all platonic. If it were a situation whereby they worked unusually late, and just grabbed a coffee at a cafe, fair enough. However, to actually book a table is date territory. When was the last time he booked a table for a meal with you?

bumptybum · 08/01/2026 06:57

If he straight. ‘You are insane if you think this is ok. You do what you want. I’ll do what I need to do. Our marriage won’t look like it does now though. If it remains a marriage at all’

MaggieBsBoat · 08/01/2026 06:58

YANBU if my DH started doing this it would be so out of character that I would know it was suspicious.

There is no way he has a lot in common with this colleague unless for instance they both have an unusual hobby that they then chat about excitedly over lunch.

Regardless, if it bothers you, he needs to prioritise you and knock it on the head.

SparklyGlitterballs · 08/01/2026 07:05

Well, if he never did this with the 'close work friend' who she replaced, then I'd wonder why he needed to do it with an attractive 25 year old. Would he be so keen to go out if it was a 50yo named Dennis? I doubt it.

HRTQueen · 08/01/2026 07:14

Dgll · 08/01/2026 04:15

When I was in my 20s a remarkable amount of middle aged men felt they had a lot in common with me. Now I'm middle aged myself they no longer feel this way.

I was thinking excatly the same. I always thought it was nice of them now I realise what sad and creepy twats they were

I work with a few men in their early 20’s we get in well at work but I would never think about going out for dinner with them why would I

ignore the claims they have so much in common his ego is being boasted and I suspect his feeling towards their friendship differ from hers

muckypuppyducky · 08/01/2026 07:24

My ears would prick up at this, to be honest. Why haven’t you been invited to join them for dinner? Maybe she could come to meet his family, if they are such good friends ?

I would carefully watch his reaction to these proposals.

whispycloud · 08/01/2026 07:31

Hell would freeze over before my husband would do this, any spare second he gets away from work he wants to spend with me. Plus I am not a “cool wife”, I’m a wife that would be kicking off in your situation.

YANBU

LoudSnoringDog · 08/01/2026 07:35

If I told my DP that I was hugely uncomfortable with this set up, he respects me enough to stop this “after work dinner date behaviour “. Even if there was absolutely nothing in it at all, it would be enough for him that I felt off about it.
if it continued I’d probably start arranging dinner dates with much younger men from my work and see how that landed for him.