DHs overly friendly relationship with his colleague

[Endieo]

My DH recently got a new colleague, he is part of a small team and there are only 2 other people technically on his level.
His newest colleague is pretty young, 25 and is replacing his closest work friend.

Anyway part of his job involves working some odd hours. Namely every other Saturday morning for 2-3 hours, and 2 evenings a month roughly. He has gotten into a habit of after the recurring monthly event going out for dinner with the new girl. 3 months in now and he’s just told me he’s going out for dinner with her after the event next week, they’ve even booked a table. They also tend to go out for lunch together after the Saturday event and he’s told me that most days they go for lunch together when they are both in the office. It feels a bit odd to me how close they are. I don’t think I have any colleagues who I go for lunch with 3 days a week, dinner with once a month and then longer lunches every other Saturday.
I told him I found it odd and he said I’m being strange and they are just colleagues with lots in common.

AIBU to find this a bit intense for colleagues?

Let me guess, she's pretty

If it was a 60 year old guy, would he be lunching with him???

No.

Hi op have you asked him why he feels the need to go for food all the time when he never did this with male colleagues I find it odd that she’s happy to do this so regular when I was younger I would go out for lunch now and then with mate and everyone thought we were shagging but we weren’t but I would definitely be keeping an eye on him and his phone.

I'd start dating too. See how he likes it. Then I'd dump him.

No, this isn’t ok and it’s crossing a boundary. Lots of marriages have boundaries which are unspoken and nuanced and yet very basic respect for your partner will dictate what that boundary may be.

One of those (for me anyway) would not to be spending an inordinate amount of time with a work colleague. And I’m not some pearl clutching puritan about mixing with the opposite sex but going for lunch just the two of them every day and now graduating to booking a cosy table for two in their free time at the weekend is not on. For me anyway. Great that they get on etc but this one on one time fosters intimacy and strengthens a bond and I just wouldn’t be cool with it. And it doesn’t make a difference if she has a boyfriend. He has a wife. There may be an attraction there on one or both sides and this extra forging a connection isn’t good.

Having ‘trust’ in your husband does not prevent inappropriate feelings occurring, but you ‘trust’ your husband not to act on them because he loves you, respects you and would never want to hurt you or your marriage. You trust him to be feeling equally towards you as you do to him - a solid partnership!

Without this mutual trust, there’s no solid relationship. Your spouse, should not need you to nip things him the bud for her/him, they should be given the space to form friendships knowing themselves that nothing will develop further and destroy their marriage.

Marriage should last a life time and its foundation is love and trust.

I wouldn't be happy ... it's too often, too 'set in stone', too much like a date. I'd definitely say about joining them, and meeting this new 'friend'. See how that goes down. I suspect the suggestion won't be met with glee.

Yes. But regrettably should and do are not always the same.
The OP stands more chance of her marriage lasting a lifetime if she has a word now, and makes it very clear what the boundaries are, hopefully before this escalates into something that will destroy the relationship.
Mutual trust is an excellent thing. But alongside that needs to be a recognition that human beings are flawed, and we would be fools to think anyone was incapable of betraying us.

I think any relationship where your husband or partner is spending more time with a colleague, than with you, is cause for concern- whether you suspect a romantic involvement or not.

@5128gap totally agree - and it’s very easy when life gets a bit Groundhog Day to think - ‘oh it’s just a bit of ego boosting fun’ - brightens up the day , nothing else will happen - until one day you’ve had a bad day , your partner has pissed you off or you have one glass too many - and something does happen - not everyone who ends up having an affair be it ‘only’ emotional or physical as well starts off as a total shit who has been planning an affair - that’s why the book ‘just good friends ‘ is very accurate

Same 🤣

How old is he?

Yes I have found the same, 25 years on, and a couple of stone heavier and it appears the once shared common ground with the middle aged man is no longer there and I am rendered invisible to thine (now roving elsewhere) eye

Wake up OP. Come on now duck xx

He has never been this close to a work colleague before.

@Endieo, your above statement speaks volumes. Your H is not protecting his fidelity with strong boundaries. The damaging line-blurring dynamic examined by Dr. Shirley Glass in Not Just Friends hits home. It’s all here: his building an inappropriate intimate connection via proximity, over-frequent contact, physical attraction, commonalities, fun alone-time, and ego-validation, all while sidelining and dismissing the concerns of you, his Wife.

He has opened a window to this pretty, young colleague and is shifting more and more of his emotional energy, time and attention to her and away from your marriage and family. They work closely together, then enjoy extended
personal-time featuring 1:1 lunches every work day, plus cozy long lunches every other Saturday and dinners twice a month. He is lapping up the ego boosts. Things have now escalated to their booking a table for dinner for an upcoming evening, like a couple would. As he is dating and prioritizing her, they are clearly in EA territory at the least. Have you investigated his phone?

His dismissal and devaluation of your feelings and boundaries show how significant OW is to him. Calling you strange is meant to cow you into backing off. If she were a platonic friend, he would gladly dial back the 1:1 contact if you expressed concern. There would be no push-back.

I would be coming down hard about this, @Endieo. Be emphatic. Tell him that you are not prepared to accept these new marital parameters, and if he wants to act like a single guy, it won’t be while married to you. If he wants to stay married to you, he will keep a professional distance with this woman and will cut out all personal out of work contact. Consider consulting with a solicitor to gain knowledge about your options.

Definitely not ok given the fact you said he’s never been close like this to a colleague before .
The Saturday thing would really piss me off , & so would the dinner after events together just the two of them .
If you alternate Saturdays , you with your friends one Saturday, him with his the next, & Sunday is family day , what time do you & he get together just the two of ye ?

@Endieo, what are you thinking now?

Your H’s investment in this woman is seriously damaging your marriage as intimacy and reliance grow between them. He is normalizing the lunch and dinner dates as naturally flowing from their daytime, evening and weekend work hours. This agenda provides a cover for them to spend as much time as possible with each other under the guise of ‘needing to eat’ and ‘having commonalities with a colleague’, and until recently you accepted that.

The alarm bells you now hear are completely justified. He is well on his way down the slippery slope of infidelity. Their intense level of contact is inappropriate for a married man [with or without children], and is providing an abundance of times and settings [in addition to work] to have fun together and become closer. As he channels more of his emotional resources to her and draws gratification from her, he diminishes his connection to and investment in you.

@Endieo, you didn’t sign up for a 3-person marriage. Assert your boundaries in no uncertain terms and follow through with sharp consequences if he balks, gaslights, downplays, or blame-shifts. Remind him how much he has to lose.

Has he always had these Saturday mornings working plus a couple of evenings a month - prior to this new person OP ?

If she's 5/10 don't worry, if she's 8+ maybe have a conversation..

She said he’s never been this close to a work colleague before so I’m guessing no 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hes crossing boundaries.

Read up on emotional affairs discuss it with him.

Ultimately many people chase the dopamine hit & ego boost. All fun and games until it destroys tha family & partner. I am still with my husband but the relationship is not the clean relationship it was before, I will never forget.

Did he go today ?
or have you nipped it in the bud OP?

Wtf?