DHs overly friendly relationship with his colleague

[Endieo]

My DH recently got a new colleague, he is part of a small team and there are only 2 other people technically on his level.
His newest colleague is pretty young, 25 and is replacing his closest work friend.

Anyway part of his job involves working some odd hours. Namely every other Saturday morning for 2-3 hours, and 2 evenings a month roughly. He has gotten into a habit of after the recurring monthly event going out for dinner with the new girl. 3 months in now and he’s just told me he’s going out for dinner with her after the event next week, they’ve even booked a table. They also tend to go out for lunch together after the Saturday event and he’s told me that most days they go for lunch together when they are both in the office. It feels a bit odd to me how close they are. I don’t think I have any colleagues who I go for lunch with 3 days a week, dinner with once a month and then longer lunches every other Saturday.
I told him I found it odd and he said I’m being strange and they are just colleagues with lots in common.

AIBU to find this a bit intense for colleagues?

I know a couple of people who’s middle aged DHs became close to female (younger) work colleagues. In each instance it was no more than a close friendship

There is no way you could know what the husband's intentions were, and nor could you have known the content of all of their meetings.

There’s no proof that his colleague is more important than to him than his wife.

Except that when she tells him her concerns he chooses to call his wife 'strange' rather than take them seriously.

It's a story as old as time.. it's NEVER 50 year old Mandy with the muffin top that they are suddenly close friends with.

Trust your gut. I think a lot of men do this “hiding in plain sight” stuff when they’re thinking about cheating.

How often does ge arrange to take you out for lunch and dinner?

work lunches absolutely fine, occasional Saturday lunch fine . Arranged dinners not fine!

Regardless of the rights or wrongs of it (I wouldn't like it at all), you are not happy or comfortable with the situation so he should be considering your feeling over lunch and dinner with the young, female colleague.

This. When I was working colleagues were colleagues. How much or how little I had in common with them was irrelevant.

I'm quite chill about opposite sex friendships, I have plenty of male friends I see one on one for dinner, and DH has plenty of female friends he sees one on one too (amongst of course doing things all together). Mine originate from before our marriage as do his.

I would find it super weird tbh if either of us suddenly became SO close to someone at work of the opposite sex we were going out of our way to have meals out with them regularly, including after work has finished. After work I'd be wanting to come home to my husband and kid, not trying my best to stretch out the time I spend with a colleague.

This is all very fishy imo, he is either having an emotional affair or planning for it to turn physical. He might be telling himself he's doing nothing wrong as they haven't crossed a line, but he is already crossing a line in my eyes.

In a good marriage, you would say you're not comfortable with this and he'd knock it on the head and scale it right back down, introduce you so she becomes a friend of you as a couple. You wouldn't need to try argue why you're not happy with it while he says it's fine and you're being controlling. He would be more concerned by his wife's comfort and sense of security than being able to spend hours upon hours with this woman.

Additionally, people at work will be talking soon if they're not already. People aren't stupid. You do have to consider optics. If I suddenly started finishing work and heading off for a meal with a male colleague I'd suddenly become very close to eyebrows would be raised, that's for sure.

He's getting a thrill from being seen a desirable by this woman, and enjoying the frisson of a new romance/flirty connection, while being able to still have his wife and children at home. It has to stop.

Different ones, with one more than the others but that’s because we work more closely, have close offices and so are often together before lunch. 20 year age gap. I don’t think there’s any attraction there. We never discuss anything I’d be embarrassed to have DH overhear. It’s literally always politics, literature, work.

Sometimes this can happen. Heterosexuals can be friends and yes with much younger / older people too. He’s being open about the contact with her which is surely a good sign, he isn’t hiding it.

I would absolutely hate this.
Be prepared for him to act defensively & make himself the victim, when you (hopefully) inform him the cosy dinners have to stop.
The trouble is, if he is enjoying the colleague’s company more than your company, he is already embarking in an emotional relationship with her. You can’t make him want to be with you more.
From your point of view, he’s being hurtful.
Maybe counselling?

This! ☝

I wouldn't like this at all. He's effectively dating his work colleague in plain sight.

I personally am of the view being 64 and having worked at both huge and small set ups that many women can indeed be friends and that’s all it is, unfortunately I do think many men take it Asa green light if you seek out their company that you are ‘interested’ im not saying there aren’t exceptions though , of course there are, it’s an individual thing - I’ve twice been hit on out of the blue when a bit younger by blokes I thought of simply as just friends and in both cases played a very very long game ( quite a few years) - and I had never ever given them cause to think I was’up for it’ - so I guess I’m very wary for people on here when their partners are regularly seeking the company of usually younger attractive females .

Agree. I wouldn’t like it at all! It’s hurtful. I bet if it was the other way round the husband wouldn’t like it either.

Think you need to have a conversation with him. This situation is not acceptable. It’s humiliating for you.

If you alternate Saturdays to spend with your mates, when do you go on dates as a couple? When does your husband romance you? When do you go for dinner together in a nice restaurant where he’s had to book a table? When do you get to do fun things together where you’re not talking about the kids?

It is absolutely important that you both have plenty of time to socialise with your friends but it sounds like your husband isn’t hanging out with his mates, he’s spending quality time with his girlfriend. Why is he booking a table for dinner with his colleague after work? Doesn’t he want to meet his actual friends?

She’s becoming an important woman in his life and she shouldn’t be, that should be you.

And yes, like pp have said, it’s never 50 year old Brian or Janet that these men are so desperate to spend time with. I remember all the middle aged pervs from work who would be falling over themselves to mentor me and whenever we had after work drinks, they’d make a bee line for me. I thought they were pathetic and felt sorry for their wives.

Did he eat out as often with the person who previously had her job?

It’s absolutely possible to have friends from work of the opposite sex. I am meeting an ex work colleague for coffee next week and someone who I used to manage just got in touch with me and we will probably have coffee too. There is certainly no amorous intentions on either side. If DH had any concerns about it I wouldn’t go, but some of the differences are both chaps are same age or younger than me and we’re meeting for coffee. Dinner - especially a booked dinner - is very different and I wouldn’t be happy with that at all.

Yep, when I was in my twenties and a curvy size 8 with long blonde hair it was astounding how many men (often old enough to be my Dad) wanted to be friends, chat over a coffee, buy me a drink, join me for lunch, help with my luggage, check my tyre pressure, offer to drive me home etc.

They were all genuinely just very, very helpful men. Genuinely.

Then I turned 30, gained 3 stones and had my hair cut short. Bizarrely, all these terribly helpful men just......disappeared. Where did they all go???

The phrasing made me 😆😆😆 but it os so true.

😂 it is unheard of!

When I was 21 I had a major crush on an older colleague - he was 56. If he’d had any intention with me (he had none!) I wouldn’t have said no. He touched my arm once and I nearly fainted with delight 😂. He was a good guy though, and still is (he’s long retired but we keep in touch). So don’t assume because he’s middle aged that someone in their 20s wouldn’t be interested.

It's always a 25 year old pretty young thing and not Barbara on reception or Alan from IT with these types of men isn't it?