DHs overly friendly relationship with his colleague

[Endieo]

My DH recently got a new colleague, he is part of a small team and there are only 2 other people technically on his level.
His newest colleague is pretty young, 25 and is replacing his closest work friend.

Anyway part of his job involves working some odd hours. Namely every other Saturday morning for 2-3 hours, and 2 evenings a month roughly. He has gotten into a habit of after the recurring monthly event going out for dinner with the new girl. 3 months in now and he’s just told me he’s going out for dinner with her after the event next week, they’ve even booked a table. They also tend to go out for lunch together after the Saturday event and he’s told me that most days they go for lunch together when they are both in the office. It feels a bit odd to me how close they are. I don’t think I have any colleagues who I go for lunch with 3 days a week, dinner with once a month and then longer lunches every other Saturday.
I told him I found it odd and he said I’m being strange and they are just colleagues with lots in common.

AIBU to find this a bit intense for colleagues?

Oh stop it!

Saturday is his free day. The OP isn’t available to lunch with, so he goes for lunch with his colleague after they finish their shift.

The evening meals happen after their late shift and they’re probably hungry, so just eat together before heading home.

Yes, because she’s female and in her 20s, it is hard for OP to be completely comfortable with it, but if her husband is middle-aged it’s very unlikely the 25 year old will be interested in him anyway and the OP just needs to trust her husband. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything!

Yes ! I feel so naive when I look back.
No good will come of this OP, knock it on the head.

Difficult one. I can see why you don’t like it but I can also see why he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong.

The question is, what can you do about it? Ban from eating with her? Hardly. You just have to hope you can trust him.

Ask if you can join them for dinner - you'd love to meet this colleague you've heard so much about - see how he reacts, and if you do join them, you can gauge his behaviour with her.

What do you mean " stop it" ?

He is a married man who took vows to OP and his marriage is supposed to be his primary relationship. Instead he is chosing to spend his leisure time with his woman colleague who he is already spending a large proportion of his time with at work.
Of course OP isn't happy that another woman has become more important to him than her. Why should she trust him when he is prioritising spending time with this woman over her feelings? He is already showing OP that his marriage comes second to his relationship with with this woman.

@DryJanuaryWhosWithMe

”but if her husband is middle-aged it’s very unlikely the 25 year old will be interested in him anyway ”

Unlikely, but not impossible. At this stage, he probably does genuinely just enjoy chatting to her. However, as I said above, planning and booking a table turns it into date territory, and these simple meet ups is how emotional (and physical) affairs start. You only have to read mn to know that.

This. As a young 20-30 year old older male colleagues invited me out purely as we had common interests. All married. I didn’t bat an eyelid - and would have denied any wrong intention. Every single ones of those men made a play for me to have an affair every single one after 5 years of friendship or even worse was the friend and colleague who I met up with 20 years later who said to me (newly divorced at 40) I have waited and fantasied about this for 20 years 🤢

Does he take you out for romantic dates x3 a week and a weekend away every month as his wife?

Asking where he’s going for dinner - ‘anywhere nice?’ Friendly inquiry vibe
Then send a lesser known to him friend to spy. That would be my sneaky next step.

Same! They all wanted to tell me how terrible their marriages were too.

It's not just your relationship that he is risking, he also needs to think about the potential risk to his job. It's totally unprofessional and he runs the risk of disciplinary action

Indeed.

It’s definitely a not uncommon phenomenon. I know a couple of people who’s middle aged DHs became close to female (younger) work colleagues. In each instance it was no more than a close friendship, but in each instance the wife was not comfortable with it, especially when it included regular out of work texting. I certainly would have to say something if it was me.
I think at best the female sees the man as a bit of a father figure /support and enjoys the attention, and the man can convince himself he’s still “got it” as a younger woman enjoys his company and appreciates his work experience.
I would watch it carefully and raise your concerns. I agree entirely that work lunches are probably okay, although is it always just the two of them or is anyone else included? Marriages need protection- it’s not just as simple as “do you trust him?” It’s about seeing potential problems and handling them before they become actual problems.

These idiots do it because I’m presuming he’s middkeaged and it makes them feel younger and attractive to be out and about with a young attractive colleague - it’s an ego boost thing when it’s regulars this- I would personally tell him he looksa sad bastard, people will gossip and it’s upsetting you - you don’t give a shit how much he has in common !!

I would also want to know who is paying ? Can’t believe they can get away with this on expenses

There’s no proof that his colleague is more important than to him than his wife.

If he were to start having meals out with his colleague that didn’t happen directly after their shift then I’d start to worry.

As the OP is concerned, she could put it to the test, book a family lunch on the Saturday straight after his shift. Until then, she’ll have to just assume that they are work friends.

@DryJanuaryWhosWithMe
The proof is that he is chosing to spend so much of his supposed leisure time with another woman who he also happens to spend most of his time at work with as well.
He said he has a " lot in common" with this woman. So their relationship has obviously already gone beyond that of work colleagues. Where in his life does he make time for the woman who is supposed to be his life partner i.e. OP? It doesn't sound as though he feels he has much in common with her if he needs to spend so much time with this other woman.

Funny how these colleagues are always younger (and presumably not unattractive) females isn't it?

It’s hard to say. Did he go out for meals with the previous colleague like this too?

I go for coffee/lunch with colleagues most days and a lot of them are male. They’re mostly between 15-25 years older than me and I doubt there’s any attraction. We’re always both married/in LTR. It doesn’t mean anything, we just chat about work, books and current affairs and eat our lunch.

Or the poor hungry poppets could come home to eat.

Why doesn't he want to get home to his family?

Why is she more important than his children?

Hmmm, I'm experiencing something similar. How odd.

No matter how much people say ‘he’s allowed to have friends!’, OP, it’s more than likely he fancies her.

In the realm of all that is probable, middle aged men aren’t ‘befriending’ 25yr old women simply because they’ve made a new chum. It just doesn’t happen.

I weep that these extremely young women who think it’s appropriate to spend this degree of solo social time with an older married man.

I was once that 25yr old and had an older married man pull this ‘friends’ bullshit. I found it flattering that I was interesting enough to befriend. He was talented and respectful and admirable in his career. A year in, the penny dropped when he said something unmistakably inappropriate. I told him to concentrate on his wife and children and that we shouldn’t speak socially anymore. He backtracked like mad – but I wasn’t stupid.

Never quite terrible enough to have ended them before they start sniffing around other women though. Usually a combo of, she doesn't understand him, staying for the kids, they drifted apart and are more like house mates blah blah.....

Different ones though or always the same one? Because if it’s the same one I think you are being naive.