Can I go to police over this? Potential blackmail

[Gaiad]

I am wracked with anxiety.

I have not been unfaithful. But over Summer we had a landscaper working on our garden. Nothing physical happened but I have to admit we were flirting. It was a mistake but even though we had the opportunity to take things further I did not as I am committed to my lovely dh.

Things took quite a nasty turn. The landscaper tried things on physically and I said something along the lines of “I want to but I can’t” :/. I mean god only knows what possessed me to say that.

Anyway, we swapped some texts where he said sorry and I said sorry back. We agreed we would maintain a professional distance.

The job ended but a couple of days ago I got a message from the gardener asking for £1000 otherwise he is showing dh our texts! I am absolutely distraught. I had deleted my messages and assumed the gardener would too as he is in a relationship. A screenshot was shown and one of my messages references that I said “I want to but can’t”. Very stupid for leaving physical evidence. I just didn’t think this person was so calculated.

He’s obviously trying his luck. But given he is trying to extort me would this be something the police could intervene in as it is criminal?

I know I am in the wrong. I should’ve removed myself from the flirting scenarios.

"I want to but I can't" is on a par with "oh I'd love to but I've got a boyfriend / got to be up early in the morning / am washing my hair" etc etc, it's a standard way women are able to decline a sexual invitation from a creep without being honest and saying "Urgh, no, you creepy balding fuckboy" which might invite violence. If your DH is a reasonable individual he will understand that.

And yes, police, it's blackmail and they may well find he's done it to other women too.

Are you for real? I have never said anything like that and certainly wouldn’t if I didn’t mean it, and to say it’s to stop the threat of violence, honestly what an excuse !

This is such a dreadful situation to be in.

I don't think there's any way around this. You really need to tell your husband. You didn't follow through. You flirted. That's it. My hope is that your husband will forgive you and you can move on with your life.

But please go to the Police. For your sake. And for the sake of this revolting man's (potential) future victims.

It's clear you love your husband very much. Stop beating yourself up. 😘

What if someone was being blackmailed about having images/videos of women being raped, children etc ?! Would they deserve anyone’s sympathy?

Demanding £1,000 with menaces is a serious offence. I’m sure he will have done it before. Police should act.

Ofc go to police. Why do you think they'd tell your h?!

I'd reply telling him that his threats are blackmail, which is a crime and you've kept his texts to show to the police if he ever contacts you or your dh again. Only you know how dh will react, might be worth trying to get the man to back off first. If that doesn't work then I'd definitely go to the police and also tell your dh. I think this guy is bluffing, he thinks you are an easy victim but in reality, he's got a lot more to lose than you.

I’d call his bluff. “ Before you tell my husband I’ll be telling the police” If you go to the police you need to tell your dh as they may need to contact you etc and he may find out anyway.

There’s your answer then, tell him to back off or you’ll tell all his customers about his coke and other nasty little ways!

you definitely need to report this to the police

Unfortunately, the best line of defence is to tell your husband, then the police. Nothing happened, you said no and aside from having to explain the awkward element of wanting to in the moment, that’s the extent of it. Better that then further covers up. Sorry OP, that’s awful x

I hope you have reported this sleazy little man to the police. I wonder how many other female customers he has propositioned and then blackmailed afterwards?

you don't need to tell your h

Police, today , this is attempted blackmail and harassment. Ignoring it won't help because he will know that he just has to do a bit more bullying and you'll cave because where will it stop. Ring 101 and report it. They will request he attends an interview. It may only end as a caution to stay away from you but that will stop the current situation. It can take a while to be sorted out. Block him on everything and make sure you're not alone with him.

Well if you have it in writing that he is trying to extort Money, off you go to the police.

Assuming his sole motive is to get money out of you, he won't tell anyone. The minute he does that, he loses the ability to blackmail you.

Yes . Good idea ! ... is it all getting overblown into yet another a Mumsnet soap opera ? , ......given that the police would rather be dealing with violent knife crime , domestic violence, drug-driving , other threats to life etc than a bully-cokehead ..........and just tell your man that it's all lies but that he needs to go round and warn the bastard off.

Just tell him you’re going to the police he’s a chancer and blackmail should always be met head on. I have been having threats from my horrible family for years.

I will tell my husband. I don’t want this psychopath to have anything to hold over me. I very much regret not being upfront right from the get go. Dh and I are trying for our first baby. We’ve been in such a lovely place the last few weeks. Looking to the future 😢.

You should probably go to the police (if only to protect his next victim(s)), but if you do, you should be prepared for the following:

(a) Your DH to find out. Think about how difficult the situation makes you feel now, and then multiply that by quite a lot for having the police involved. If you are asked to go to court as a witness, what will you tell DH you are doing that day?
(b) Nothing to happen to the guy, as the police may not consider that they have enough evidence to secure a conviction.
(c) The guy to follow through on the threat. I suspect it's unlikely, because then there would be more evidence against him for the blackmail.
(d) Any combination of the above. 😧

How bad are the texts? Would DH walk out if he saw them? I read somewhere that men are less likely than women to take a bit of emotional betrayal (as opposed to physical infidelity) as a deal-breaker. If you are going to go to the police then I would assume that DH will eventually find out, in which case you might want to get the hurt with him over first. You can tell a few white lies about the bits that aren't in the texts.

Another option might be to ask for a chat with a member of the domestic violence support team. They might be in a position to take your report and evidence, and then not initiate proceedings if you have no chance.

please tell your husband, unless you want him to leave when he eventually finds out(bet if the police question this guy, he will not have anything to lose)

If he is charged and pleads not guilty you may be summoned to court as a witness. Paperwork will come to your home address from the court

OP I think it’s likely he set the whole thing up, it’s maybe something he has done with with other women. He flirts, woman is maybe flattered and says something polite to fob him off as you did, probably due to the underlying threatening comments, then he attempts to blackmail the woman.
Explain this to you husband, and definitely go to the police.

Call his bluff. Tell him to go ahead. Whether or not he does say anything to your husband, I'd report him on checkatrade and I'd leave reviews saying he's a blackmailing bastard. He's probably out of money and desperate for cash but that is no way to behave.

You should tell.your husband everything