Can I go to police over this? Potential blackmail

[Gaiad]

I am wracked with anxiety.

I have not been unfaithful. But over Summer we had a landscaper working on our garden. Nothing physical happened but I have to admit we were flirting. It was a mistake but even though we had the opportunity to take things further I did not as I am committed to my lovely dh.

Things took quite a nasty turn. The landscaper tried things on physically and I said something along the lines of “I want to but I can’t” :/. I mean god only knows what possessed me to say that.

Anyway, we swapped some texts where he said sorry and I said sorry back. We agreed we would maintain a professional distance.

The job ended but a couple of days ago I got a message from the gardener asking for £1000 otherwise he is showing dh our texts! I am absolutely distraught. I had deleted my messages and assumed the gardener would too as he is in a relationship. A screenshot was shown and one of my messages references that I said “I want to but can’t”. Very stupid for leaving physical evidence. I just didn’t think this person was so calculated.

He’s obviously trying his luck. But given he is trying to extort me would this be something the police could intervene in as it is criminal?

I know I am in the wrong. I should’ve removed myself from the flirting scenarios.

Are his initials MB? If so dm me because I can help.

The police are useless in many ways but IME when it comes to stalking by a named individual they are red hot.

A friend was having trouble from a bloke. She reported. They visited his house at 6am and told him in no uncertain terms what would happen if he didn't stop.

It clearly shook him up because she never heard from him again. Result.

This.

it was a silly bit of flirting and you said something stupid.

tell your husband and the police. He’s probably one this many times, nasty little predator

Report to the Police. Also if it blows up you might tell your husband than friendliness was misconstrued and you felt intimidated by the man so said what you did rather than a no, fuck off. Wouldn't normally say this but you didn't do anything apparently and seem to regret it .

The OP isn’t asking for judgement on the harmless flirting with the builder. She’s asking for help with the criminal offence of blackmail. Maybe she shouldn’t have flirted back but it’s pretty certain she was targeted and he was out to turn her head. Lay off her!!

I would tell DH that this is being twisted, tell the prick that you’ve told your DH and that you’re reporting to the police, and then tell the police

What an awful man. Def go to the police and if he does send your DH the messages you can just say he was making you feel uncomfortable you just said that to get rid of him.

DO NOT give him any money. You could absolutely ruin his reputation with this, what a dick.

@Kubricklayer I would be very upset if my DH said this to someone. However in the context of her previous post it was clear she was mortified when he made a move on her and did not want that. I therefore took the phrase to mean ‘if I wasn’t happily married I would’ but agree that her DH will likely be hurt by what she said even if that wasn’t her intention.

A lot of people believe they are loyal and faithful but have never actually been tested. @Gaiad was tested and she passed— albeit not with flying colours.

No doubt she has been punished enough, with the blackmail and guilt, for not shutting it down more quickly and directly. But I have sympathy as she thought he was a nice person prior to this and knew he would be working in her house so I understand her desire to let him down gently. It’s just backfired and it’s an important lesson.

Because the OP said:

Things took quite a nasty turn. The landscaper tried things on physically and I said something along the lines of “I want to but I can’t” :/. I mean god only knows what possessed me to say that.

Thats an important change of context. @Gaiadyour verbal response was a classic trauma response - it’s called ‘fawning’ - it’s what people do when in danger from a predator - you need to keep them placated when you sense danger so that you are physically safe to escape. This exactly happened here - he escalated / overstepped to nasty / physical - you said something necessary to de escalate a physical predatory male and you then got safe by agreeing and keeping a distance.

You were the victim here. I expect landscaping is slow on the revenue stream at this time of the year, hence his blackmailing. Don’t feel shame you did nothing wrong - even you questioning yourself about why you even said that proves it. You were being polite / fawning to extract yourself from danger.

He's a criminal who needs reporting but this doesn't excuse the fact that you indulged in flirting with a tradesman, so don't try to minimise that if and when you tell DH about it. Tell him how sorry you are and hopefully he will forgive you and you can both move on.

I think you need to bite the bullet and tell your husband everything. Then report to the police. You were flattered but had no intention of doing anything and tell dh you were intimidated when you made the ‘ I’d like to…’ comment because you wanted him to finish the job.

He is vile.

The only victim in this sorry saga is the Husband. Poor bastard.

At that point OP may have been feeling uncomfortably pressured, but it started off as consensual flirting and it's better to admit that when talking to DH. If this man had been intimidating her for sexual favours from the beginning, its a different situation and he would reasonably wonder why she didn't ask for her DH's support.

"He pestered me for sex then tried to blackmail me"
would be an apt review

Just tell your husband the truth sounds like it’s going to come one way or another.

I would urge you to go to the police about this, because you don't know how many other people he does it to. If he's an attractive man, and flirty, he may get into this situation with other women too. Not actually doing anything, but just gathering enough so that it could cause problems in their relationship that they might be happy to pay to avoid. He could have extorted thousands from people over this in the past.

It's really difficult, but I would actually tell your husband anyway, and get him on side so that you can do this together. You didn't cheat.

Call his bluff. Tell him that you've already told your husband and that if you ever hear from him again you will go to the police for blackmail - say you've screen shotted his attempts so far so you have the evidence to take to the police. Then block.

Yes this likely isn’t his first rodeo.

But - “I want to but can’t” is simply a tactful refusal not a statement of intent.

You are victim blaming. She was targeted for blackmail from the start. Are you sure you wouldn’t be flattered if a handsome man started flirting with you? We are human. Nobody flirts with me - if they did they’d get my attention straight away. The important thing is she said no.

They wouldn’t name you, blackmail was featured on 24 hours in police custody once - and the bloke being blackmailed had done something really wrong (using prostitution while married). Yet the police were really careful to not identify him, to tell his wife, and fully treated him 100% as the victim without judgement. They will do the same for you. Definitely, definitely report it.

They will charge him, this is a clear cut case (as long as you’ve saved the evidence).

Front run it and speak to your husband, then go to the police…. Even if your report it he may still contact your husband and then what. I wouldn’t count on the fact that your husband won’t find out from the police as he may still be told by that guy or someone else

And that’s the definition of grooming - it’s a slow burn of slowly testing and pushing boundaries to lower defences.

Of course if he had gone in the deep end initially with what the OP describes as his ‘nasty and physical’ behaviour he wouldn’t have managed to extract the text out of her which is likely all he wanted on order to continue his extortion racket to feed his coke habit.

I will say, there's nothing to stop him showing the messages to your DH as "punishment" for going to the police

I think you need to have a conversation with him regardless OP

That would exacerbate the charges, though. In fact at that stage it would be stalking, I think.

The only problem I foresee is that you can never be certain that he won’t divulge anything. Not everyone is afraid of the police because they know nothing will happen. I very much doubt the police will see this as a serious enough blackmail attempt to take action anyway and you will spend the rest of your life with the threat he might talk hanging over you unless you just tell your husband yourself. It will be far less damaging to your marriage than hearing about it from a third party.