Can I go to police over this? Potential blackmail

[Gaiad]

I am wracked with anxiety.

I have not been unfaithful. But over Summer we had a landscaper working on our garden. Nothing physical happened but I have to admit we were flirting. It was a mistake but even though we had the opportunity to take things further I did not as I am committed to my lovely dh.

Things took quite a nasty turn. The landscaper tried things on physically and I said something along the lines of “I want to but I can’t” :/. I mean god only knows what possessed me to say that.

Anyway, we swapped some texts where he said sorry and I said sorry back. We agreed we would maintain a professional distance.

The job ended but a couple of days ago I got a message from the gardener asking for £1000 otherwise he is showing dh our texts! I am absolutely distraught. I had deleted my messages and assumed the gardener would too as he is in a relationship. A screenshot was shown and one of my messages references that I said “I want to but can’t”. Very stupid for leaving physical evidence. I just didn’t think this person was so calculated.

He’s obviously trying his luck. But given he is trying to extort me would this be something the police could intervene in as it is criminal?

I know I am in the wrong. I should’ve removed myself from the flirting scenarios.

This! I’d be absolutely heartbroken knowing my dh flirted with and was tempted to cheat and betray our marriage, it would gut me ! The double standards on this website makes me sick sometimes

Message the Gardner back and tell him you've already told your husband - and that your husband is not too happy with him for trying it on with his wife. Tell him he's welcome to ask your husband for the the £1,000 blackmail money if he feels brave. Also tell him that if these threatening messages continue that you will have no choice but to report him. Then bloke and move on.

Does the screenshot actually show your number. If it’s just a name he can alter a name on a text so it’s not proof that it’s from you. I have a text from Queen Elizabeth II on my phone from when I showed someone how easy it is to do this. Definitely tell the police, this is stalking and blackmail and a quick visit from the police should sort it out

I'd say something like "Why do you think my husband cares? He knows I flirt but would never cheat."

Nah. She shouldn't enter into further discussion. Least said the better.

Either block or explain in a short text she has evidence of black mail and harrasment which will be take to the police if there is any further contact. Then block.

Anything she says helps him. Silence puts the pressure on him and 99.9% he'll quietly quit.

Police for sure and also I would be setting up extra security just incase he attempts to come round/ruin the garden out of spite.

I would not escalate it at this stage by going to the police. I would text back and tell him that you will report him to the police if he tries to blackmail you again. Then inform him you are blocking him, and do it. I think that is likely to end it all without any further risk to you.

That said, I would also consider telling your DH what happened since you did nothing wrong - you can always phrase it as you told him you wanted to but couldn't so as not to insult him or bruise his ego. Getting ahead of the narrative avoids the blackmailer any opportunity.

Infidelity is wrong. Blackmail is wronger. (😁)

People are advising on the blackmail because that's what the thread is asking about. If the OP starts a thread on "should she cheat on her husband" I'm sure the advice will be "don't".

I imagine he tries to seduce women regularly and then blackmail them. Coke heads are often vicious.
I would tell DH.
Look you were flattered and he was flirting. You said something to protect his ego whilst he was in your house. Unless prolonged texting flirting happened there isn't a massive issue here.
If someone did this to my DH who was enjoying the flattery but ultimately chose not to cheat I’d ring her myself and tell her to fuck off.

Message back and say “if I hear from you again, I will be reporting you to the police for blackmailing me”.

If it were me, I would also tell my DH everything, apologise and take away the blackmailers power over you. You didn’t actually do anything with him and you just said something stupid in a moment where you were put on the spot by a man who was trying to pressure you into a sexual encounter you didn’t want and you were trying to let him down gently/avoid being forced into something! Surely DH will understand?

As for all the people clutching their pearls about someone flirting while married, do get a grip. It is entirely innocent human behaviour which a man is preying on her for. It is not something that interferes with a committed relationship from either side. Perhaps she should don a nun's habit or a burka too? Don 't worry OP, you have done nothing wrong.

I would tell my husband. Because my thought is that if you go to the police he might get pissed off and just send it anyway.

The advice given so far is great and probably best not to engage. But I’d be tempted to text back ‘I’ve already told my husband and now the police too.’

How are you expecting your DH to react if you do tell him?

Yes agree - along the lines of "I thought it was a bit of harmless flirting and I'm really sorry but it didn't even cross my mind to actually do anything I would never cheat. But he obviously didn't see it like this and it took a turn I didn't feel comfortable with so letting him down gently seemed the most sensible approach. I'm so sorry I should have told you at the time etc etc".

TBH if my OH told me this I'd be more upset they'd kept it from me all this time rather than the silly flirting. You will forever live in fear of nasty gardener telling him or somehow finding out which will be horrible and of course still gives dickhead the power. Tell your DH today op and call the police on this nasty piece of work.

I think you should just own up to it. Get ahead of it. Your DH will likely be mad at you… for a long time. But you can’t have a relationship built on honesty if you’re keeping the secret. If you go to the police, the secret will come out and he’ll find out anyway. It’s best to sit him down and have a tough talk. Explain what happened. And maybe look at the root causes of your relationship that made you want to cheat with the gardener

Everyone saying go the police is correct.

However if you go to the police, your husband is going to find out why anyway, so why not just call the landscapers bluff? If he tells your husband you are going its going to be no different than if you go to to the police.

He set you up (harassed you in your own home) and is now basically a stalker. The only correct response to blackmail is to tell the police and to add “publish and be damned” to the blackmailer. Telling your DH will remove the workman’s hold over you entirely. We are all human and can feel attraction and temptation but you didn’t do anything.

If you want to avoid police and put an end to this, just tell your DH everything now. Will remove his power over you. Your DH is bound to find out in the long run if you involve police and will make you look guilty for hiding it.

I agree tell your DH otherwise you will be feeling stressed and anxious about this for a long time.

You enjoyed the attention but when it came to it you wouldn’t cheat. That’s a hard pill to swallow for your DH but ultimately your blackmailer wants to provide evidence of you turning him down. Hardly the worse thing in the world.

I’m sure your DH’s feelings will be hurt at the thought of you having a crush on someone and making it obvious to them. But what will upset him most is all this secrecy and turmoil that is happening now that he is oblivious to. It makes what you did (which is very mild) a bigger deal by keeping it a secret and that’s exactly what your blackmailer is counting on. Don’t give him the power. Tell your DH and then report him to the police and checkatrade to protect others.

So you lied originally? You said your face had got too close to his once, and that was it?

Tell CheckaTrade as well as the police. Is he a member of any Landscape Gardening professional body? If he is tell them too.

@Gaiad your secret isn't a secret anymore. It will come out. It's inevitable.

Sit your DH down and explain and show him the texts from this person.

Apologise and acccept the consquences.

Then take the texts to Police and let them deal with your blackmailer.

You can put your head in the sand and ignore this but it your DH finds out from the blackmailer it will be 1000% worse and more painful for him.

Fight back. Defend yourself and report to checkatrade and Police.

Report to the police without hesitation. Hopefully he can be charged and this will protect other future victims from blackmail.

Also be honest with DH about the extent of your actions. He deserves to know and you yourself deserve a clean conscience.

When you say he got physical OP to what extent? Did he make a slow mo lean in to kiss you and you pushed him away immediately? Did you allow him to start kissing your neck before you shrugged him off? Again you need to be upfront with DH exactly what happened.

Shutuptrevor · Today 01:29

Tell your husband you felt intimidated by the gardener’s proposition and were just trying to make the whole situation go away without angering him while he was still working in your house.

Then go to the police WITH your husband and report the bastard.

This, but maybe be honest that initially you were flattered by his attention and were momentarily tempted, hence the 'I want to but I can't' message, but you chose not to act on it because you love your husband. That way everything is out in the open and you know nothing can come back to bite you in future.

Hopefully your husband will understand, he may have been in a similar scenario himself at work or wherever in the past that you're not aware of.

If I was your husband and you only told me half the truth, and I went to the police with you and supported you through this then saw the messages further down the line (he's bound to ask to see what the gardener sent you), I'd be angry that you hadn't told me the full truth from the get go. You'd be making him look like a fool.

Edited because I forgot to quote PP!

This. The only way to take the power from the blackmailer, is to come clean to your DH. Hopefully he will understand, as you were only tempted and did not act on it. It sounds like the gardener was trying to manipulate you so he could do what he is doing now. Blackmail is a serious offence, and the police should deal with it properly.