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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can I go to police over this? Potential blackmail

251 replies

Gaiad · 08/01/2026 00:41

I am wracked with anxiety.

I have not been unfaithful. But over Summer we had a landscaper working on our garden. Nothing physical happened but I have to admit we were flirting. It was a mistake but even though we had the opportunity to take things further I did not as I am committed to my lovely dh.

Things took quite a nasty turn. The landscaper tried things on physically and I said something along the lines of “I want to but I can’t” :/. I mean god only knows what possessed me to say that.

Anyway, we swapped some texts where he said sorry and I said sorry back. We agreed we would maintain a professional distance.

The job ended but a couple of days ago I got a message from the gardener asking for £1000 otherwise he is showing dh our texts! I am absolutely distraught. I had deleted my messages and assumed the gardener would too as he is in a relationship. A screenshot was shown and one of my messages references that I said “I want to but can’t”. Very stupid for leaving physical evidence. I just didn’t think this person was so calculated.

He’s obviously trying his luck. But given he is trying to extort me would this be something the police could intervene in as it is criminal?

I know I am in the wrong. I should’ve removed myself from the flirting scenarios.

OP posts:
Iocanepowder · 08/01/2026 08:40

Tell your DH the truth and then report the guy. I couldn’t keep something like needing the police involved a secret from my DH either.

LancashireButterPie · 08/01/2026 08:43

Are you being completely honest with us now OP or was the texting more like sexting? Was there an element of physicality (as others suggested) on your previous thread?
If it really was just "I want to but I can't" then I'm struggling to see why you are so scared of showing your DH the messages.
Id definitely tell DH and the Police.

pandowo · 08/01/2026 08:45

WhoGrant · 08/01/2026 08:37

Tell your husband the truth
Go to the Police
Next time don’t put anything in writing

Or next time, don’t do anything to incriminate yourself that you’re later going to have to lie to get yourself out of ?

DotAndCarryOne2 · 08/01/2026 08:47

Just a thought but if OP goes to the police is there anything stopping this creep from actually telling her husband anyway out of spite ?

Maybe it would be better to tell him she’s kept the evidence of his blackmail and will be telling her DH, and that if he comes anywhere near either of them again she will take it to the police and report him to checkatrade. It does sound as though he may have form for this and possibly the thought of an investigation may be enough to send him packing.

Horserider5678 · 08/01/2026 08:48

Gaiad · 08/01/2026 00:55

Would the police charge him? Would my name not be attached in that scenario?

unless he has a police record for doing this, I doubt they would charge him but more likely warn him which will hopefully be enough. You e learnt a hard lesson, don’t play with fire!

DotAndCarryOne2 · 08/01/2026 08:49

pandowo · 08/01/2026 08:45

Or next time, don’t do anything to incriminate yourself that you’re later going to have to lie to get yourself out of ?

Show quote history

Or even better, remember you’re married and don’t engage with it at all.

Allisnotlost1 · 08/01/2026 08:50

The number of people encouraging OP to lie and squirm her way out of this is awful. By her own admission she behaved badly, and was tempted. Does no-one think her DP deserves to make an informed decision about remaining in a relationship with a partner who exchanges text with another man? If it was him doing this we’d - rightly - see loads of replies denouncing him.

Member984815 · 08/01/2026 08:50

He's relying on the fact you'll be embarrassed and won't report, call his bluff . He's probably gotten away with this before and thinks he can make a few Bob off you

ItsPronouncedThroatwobblerMangrove · 08/01/2026 08:50

Tell your husband and then go to the police. Demanding money with threats is extortion, and that’s a serious offence with a prison sentence attached. I’ll bet you’re not the first he’s done this to, either.

I think telling DH is non-negotiable at this stage. As soon as you do, all the extortionist’s power over you has gone, and you can move on with addressing whatever’s wrong in your marriage that caused you to want to bet close to someone else in the first place. But talk to the police as well so that this despicable behaviour is dealt with.

Laura95167 · 08/01/2026 08:51

Gaiad · 08/01/2026 00:55

Would the police charge him? Would my name not be attached in that scenario?

Do you know how few convictions get published?

It will be fine. Contact the police

scorpiogirly · 08/01/2026 08:54

I'd text back, "Now that I have this text threatening me, I'd advise you reconsider your position as this could end your business".

Goodadvice1980 · 08/01/2026 08:59

scorpiogirly · 08/01/2026 08:54

I'd text back, "Now that I have this text threatening me, I'd advise you reconsider your position as this could end your business".

I really would not recommend this.

OP just report it to the police. They will probably have a word with him and that will scare him off. He is probably a pathetic bully trying to extort money like this.

The bigger issue is are you going to tell your dh?

LeftieRightsHoarder · 08/01/2026 09:03

Northernparent68 · 08/01/2026 05:37

I wonder if a married man who’d flirted and was being blackmailed would receive such sympathy

I’ve never seen blackmail being condoned on Mumsnet.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 08/01/2026 09:05

Tell your husband then report it to the police. It’s the only way to get rid of this twat.

Jijithecat · 08/01/2026 09:10

Take screenshots
Block the number
Report it to the police
Tell your partner what has happened

Don't lie about any of this. That will only make things worse. Don't just sit on this hoping it will go away. It won't. It will keep on cropping up. Take control of the situation and do something about it.

SergeantWrinkles · 08/01/2026 09:12

You need to tell your dh. Yes it will be uncomfortable and he will probably feel quite betrayed. But it’s the right thing to do, and will take away this little scrote’s power. Then inform the police and after that you’ll just have to see where the dice fall. Unpleasant, but necessary.

DannyDeever · 08/01/2026 09:18

Gaiad · 08/01/2026 00:41

I am wracked with anxiety.

I have not been unfaithful. But over Summer we had a landscaper working on our garden. Nothing physical happened but I have to admit we were flirting. It was a mistake but even though we had the opportunity to take things further I did not as I am committed to my lovely dh.

Things took quite a nasty turn. The landscaper tried things on physically and I said something along the lines of “I want to but I can’t” :/. I mean god only knows what possessed me to say that.

Anyway, we swapped some texts where he said sorry and I said sorry back. We agreed we would maintain a professional distance.

The job ended but a couple of days ago I got a message from the gardener asking for £1000 otherwise he is showing dh our texts! I am absolutely distraught. I had deleted my messages and assumed the gardener would too as he is in a relationship. A screenshot was shown and one of my messages references that I said “I want to but can’t”. Very stupid for leaving physical evidence. I just didn’t think this person was so calculated.

He’s obviously trying his luck. But given he is trying to extort me would this be something the police could intervene in as it is criminal?

I know I am in the wrong. I should’ve removed myself from the flirting scenarios.

Yes, go straight to the Police.

Or if you want less hassle tell him what he's doing is blackmail, illegal and if you hear from him again EVER you will take his text to the police AND further contact is harrasment/stalking in addtion to Blackmail. My guess is you'll hear nothing and save yourself a trip to the police.

BTW, you actually stayed faithful to your husband despite temptation. Well done.

Coffeislife · 08/01/2026 09:20

Loyaltotheoil · 08/01/2026 00:43

Did you post about this a few months ago, OP? About the guy making a comment along the lines of “what would your husband think if he knew?”

definitely take it to the police, do not send him any money

Thiught this too , but sure they kissed in that one. Maybe there is a new scam ?

FrightfulNightfull · 08/01/2026 09:23

Hi OP
Im sorry to hear that you are in this position.
You are now “between a rock and a hard place”.
I don’t want to scare you or make things worse - you don’t have to go to the police - but if you do want to the time to do so is now.

If anything becomes legal or the police investigate it’s always far better to have acted ASAP as otherwise the opponent has the (ludicrous but effective legally (sadly)) option to argue that delay means that you weren’t genuinely intimidated/scared etc. I reported an assault- the police were fantastic (I don’t know why I was so scared of them!) but every other decision body held delay of 2 months against me.

Now having said that - no one knows how this Romeo is going to act in the future/his next steps but you just have to ignore that you don’t know this… I would, as many have said, just tell your DH. Start by telling him what you’ve received via text.

Let your DH ask you questions if he wants and when you tell DH, already have decided if you want to go to the police. Chances are DH may well know you flirted with this test already (if he saw interactions between you)- but not about any near misses with kisses or whatever. And remember you DIDN’T do anything physically so there’s that.

I think you should go to the police - again for the reasons pp’s have said.

If you don’t report him to the police do not do anything else re Check—trade or his business as you will leave yourself open to defamation claims. Just lock it down with police. It won’t be broadcast that you went to them so no-one will know other than you and them.

Be warned too that the police may want to interview you at home- they may want to see if your DH knows (because they might think this is the fallout of a failed fling so they will be looking for whether your DH knows or not - they don’t just take the reportee’s word for it!). They wanted to do that in my case and I told them they were more than welcome, that DH would be there supporting me etc and they could interview him too if they wanted. But he knew everything- what happened, how I felt etc… and in the end I had to go alone to the station. It was fine.

Tell your DH - if you love each other chances are he will completely understand how things came to be as they are. I know you will be scared he will leave - but he might if this twat will become spiteful and tell him anyway - get ahead of that. Also - be honest. Lies have a way of catching up on people. You can work on any fallout but you will feel better for getting it into the open - even if your DH were to leave can you imagine living with this every day for the rest of your life?

Eyeshadow · 08/01/2026 09:23

Is this the man that you kissed?

Your thread seems familiar but the previous one was adamant that there was no flirting involved (even though there was kissing).

OP you did wrong to flirt and send messages etc but you didn’t do anything physically wrong (unless you did kiss) - obviously flirting with him is awful but unless you are massively downplaying this then those texts prove that nothing happened.

I would 100% call his bluff and tell him that those messages prove that nothing happened and so he can send them to whoever he likes.

He wants money - as soon as he sends them to DH he knows he can’t get any and so it’s highly unlikely he will do it.
He will just keep pushing until you snap.

Tell him he is free to send them to DH.
And that you’ve also screenshotted these messages and sent them to the police.

Frida2023 · 08/01/2026 09:25

OP what he is doing is absolutely not ok. You did nothing wrong. He may be someone who specifically does this to women so it may be that he manipulated you in the first place by pushing boundaries. You wouldn’t be the first and certainly won’t be the last person to have a little crush on a tradesperson.

I would either not respond at all or tell him this is blackmail and I will go to the police if you ever get in touch with me again. i understand you are scared that your husband would find out so can understand just now you don’t want to go to the police. But IF you did tell your husband you could frame it as you felt threatened by him and wanted to let him down gently - as a lot of men react badly to being rejected. Which is exactly what has happened here because after you have rejected him he has tried to blackmail you.
his behaviour is predatory and appalling.

ClairDeLaLune · 08/01/2026 09:30

Tell the police. And tell Checkatrade. He deserves to have his business ruined. What a bullying bastard.

DannyDeever · 08/01/2026 09:31

Also, don't get involved in a debate with the
Blackmailer, that will also encourage him him, he'll think he making progress and you might crack.

Maybe one text to make the precarious nature of his sutuation, then block him.

He's can't make any money out of telling DH, so unlikely he will, but that's just a chance you have to take. You're risking a row with your husband. He's risking 14 years in prison. Reckon he'll chance that when all he's getting is a grey tick and silence? Of course he won't.

Blocking him puts all the pressure onto him.

Beachtastic · 08/01/2026 09:32

I'd say something like "Why do you think my husband cares? He knows I flirt but would never cheat." Then threaten with police etc.

What an arsehole