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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can I go to police over this? Potential blackmail

251 replies

Gaiad · 08/01/2026 00:41

I am wracked with anxiety.

I have not been unfaithful. But over Summer we had a landscaper working on our garden. Nothing physical happened but I have to admit we were flirting. It was a mistake but even though we had the opportunity to take things further I did not as I am committed to my lovely dh.

Things took quite a nasty turn. The landscaper tried things on physically and I said something along the lines of “I want to but I can’t” :/. I mean god only knows what possessed me to say that.

Anyway, we swapped some texts where he said sorry and I said sorry back. We agreed we would maintain a professional distance.

The job ended but a couple of days ago I got a message from the gardener asking for £1000 otherwise he is showing dh our texts! I am absolutely distraught. I had deleted my messages and assumed the gardener would too as he is in a relationship. A screenshot was shown and one of my messages references that I said “I want to but can’t”. Very stupid for leaving physical evidence. I just didn’t think this person was so calculated.

He’s obviously trying his luck. But given he is trying to extort me would this be something the police could intervene in as it is criminal?

I know I am in the wrong. I should’ve removed myself from the flirting scenarios.

OP posts:
Lennonjingles · 08/01/2026 07:41

Please report him to the Police, I wonder if he’s done it before. I think also you should tell your DH.

Fulmine · 08/01/2026 07:43

Gaiad · 08/01/2026 00:51

things only escalated in the past few days. He made some funny comments at the end of last year when I turned him down. And he sort of tried to intimidate me but he finished the job without incident.

I can only assume he’s trying his luck now after an expensive Christmas. And my fucking stupidity is allowing him to do it.

I have since found out he is well known for his coke habit. He doesn’t come across addicted at all but apparently he’s big into it. So maybe that’s a factor also

Edited
Show quote history

Make sure the police know about the coke also.

Allisnotlost1 · 08/01/2026 07:44

AnotherNameChange1234567 · 08/01/2026 00:51

If you told your husband that you felt intimidated by him being in the address with you due to his behaviour, and that you went along with the texts to try to pacify him until he left, would he believe you?

Also speaking as a police officer, this is definitely one to report.

Show quote history

Really, you’re a police office encouraging a witness to put a spin on their version of events to save their skin?

OP would report (though if two months has passed he has perhaps moved on to the next victim). However if it proceeds there’s a chance your DP will find out anyway, especially if he contests it. You could put a spin on it if you want but it seems unfair on your DP to do so. Maybe there are reasons you were tempted and those probably should be aired so that things can be repaired or changed. Your DP deserves that doesn’t he?

nomas · 08/01/2026 07:46

Tell him that when you said ‘I want to but I can’t’ I meant putting in a conservatory. Then tell him to get to fuck.

Homegrownberries · 08/01/2026 07:56

Yes. Go to the police. I suspect he might be trying it with every female client. It wasn't chemistry between you. You've been set up. There's a real concern that he has done it or will do it to someone more vulnerable.

Schoolchoicesucks · 08/01/2026 08:04

How do you feel about telling your husband yourself? That takes all the power away from this guy and means that if you do go to the police, you wouldn't be worrying in case he found out later or as a result of that.

Yes you will have to admit to how stupid you were and deal with the hurt that causes him. But then you can decide together what to do about involving the police (with no need to rush as no issue with the guy letting your husband know) or not.

Jane143 · 08/01/2026 08:12

Tell him you’re going to the Police, then wait a few days, see what happens. If you go to the police there’s a strong possibility your husband will find out (big secret to hide) and distrust you over what actually may have happened

Toseland · 08/01/2026 08:16

Just think of all the other women he is doing this to, or will try to in the future, if he gets away with it.

StephensLass1977 · 08/01/2026 08:19

I agree with others that this is premeditated, and that he does this with every female customer - the coke habit / desperation for money only serves to confirm that. He makes women think he finds them irresistible, makes sure some of the exchanges are on text - then uses these to extort money. Next time maybe be on your guard more.

You haven't exactly covered yourself in glory by your "I want to" replies, but he's committing a crime by blackmailing you. Report it.

I recall the "flirting workman" thing happened to me, minus the threats and blackmail, a few years ago. Bunch of builders hired by our then-new build management to repair the windows in every house. Partner was out at work. A few hours later, their boss knocked round to check all was OK and sign it off. I offered him a tea, and he said something about if he sits down with me to drink tea, he might "never want to leave", and it was obvious what he meant by his smiles and look. I quickly ushered him out of the door as soon as he was done with his checks. He was ridiculously gorgeous but I'm just not interested in cheating. Told partner as soon as he got home, and we had a laugh.

Holidaytrees · 08/01/2026 08:19

Report it to the police now and screenshot his message.

Checkenberger · 08/01/2026 08:20

Mention the coke use and his reg number/business name on his van. Nice extra charge of DUI for him there too as coke can take a month to leave your system

youarebeingsoextrarightnow · 08/01/2026 08:20

Tell him you have told your DH and that you are going to the police and reporting him to checkatrade, and to back off or you will be sending copies of his messages to his GF, he will disappear as he has nothing to gain from this, he is just trying his luck. If this doesn't work then actually report him to the police and checkatrade.

You are probably not the only one he is trying this with.

Holidaytrees · 08/01/2026 08:21

Tell your DH and show him the message. Explain it exactly as you have to us. And then text the gardener and say my husband already knows and I have reported your attempt at blackmail and extortion to the police.

pandowo · 08/01/2026 08:24

He shouldn’t be blackmailing you that’s completely out of line and he should be reported for that. I must say though there’s something deeper going on here if you were tempted to cheat on your husband !

friskybivalves · 08/01/2026 08:25

Couldn’t the ‘I want to but can’t’ be referring to installing/ripping up ghastly plastic grass? Agree with most others. Tell your husband that the nightmare randy cokehead gardener is trying to blackmail you and shop him to the police.

DancingNotDrowning · 08/01/2026 08:26

Tell your DH.

You can be honest and say you were attracted to the gardener but nothing happened or you can lie and say you felt intimidated and were keeping the peace as you just wanted him to finish the work and leave without hassle.

I wouldn’t hold either approach against you.

Then let police know - they will be interested and hopefully he’ll, at a minimum, a talking to.

but tell DH it’ll be awkward and embarrassing but you’ll feel a million times better.

Brightlittlecanary · 08/01/2026 08:29

I’d say to my husband I’d only said that as I was trying to not cause offence as it was escalating, and unless anything more incriminating I’d say I wasn’t even flirting, you knocked him back and that’s the key part.

I would respond and say I’m reporting to the police if this doesn’t stop and your husband already knows, assuming you just tell him and then if he contacts again, I’d go to the police.

getsomehelp · 08/01/2026 08:30

If you dont go to the police whats left ?
Telling him hes a kniwn coke head & you will be denouncing him on trust pilot/fb?
or telling the truth to your DH ?

Imgoingtobefree · 08/01/2026 08:30

If this whole thing eg you flirting with tradesmen is very out of character, then have a good think about whether he could have deliberately targeted you? This may have been his side quest (sex or money) from the start.

Owly11 · 08/01/2026 08:34

Women say all sorts of shit to get men to back off. Sometimes that might include pretending to like the bloke but invoking a real or imaginary husband/boyfriend to get them to back the fuck off. You had a minor flirtation - big deal, so what? You sent a text saying you would like to but couldn't - so what? It is hardly sexting is it? He is the one engaging in criminal behaviour so he is the one who ought to be shitting his pants right now not you. You also can post the blackmail messages he sent you on his google reviews.

NamechangeRugby · 08/01/2026 08:34

Homegrownberries · 08/01/2026 07:56

Yes. Go to the police. I suspect he might be trying it with every female client. It wasn't chemistry between you. You've been set up. There's a real concern that he has done it or will do it to someone more vulnerable.

Edited

I agree.

Op - he was trying to groom you from the get-go. And you resisted. Tell your DH. Inform the police.

Be bold. Be brave. You are helping & protecting other women. And you have NOT done ANYTHING wrong.

Honestly I despair of all the thought police on the other thread. Nothing happened. You took a stand. He is just horribly manipulative. And a blackmailed to boot.

Imbusytodaysorry · 08/01/2026 08:36

@Gaiad i would bet he has done this before.
Id go straight to the police , he thinks you are a walk over show him different and protect yourself.
what do you have to loose going to the police?

mbonfield · 08/01/2026 08:36

Hi Op sorry to hear about this issue. This is blackmail and a Police issue but if you want to do that suggest you speak to your husband and not pay the bill.

Good luck.

WhoGrant · 08/01/2026 08:37

Tell your husband the truth
Go to the Police
Next time don’t put anything in writing

crazeekat · 08/01/2026 08:39

Report it to the police and if he still threatens I would tell my
partner. They expose the piece of shit all over for everyone to see