The final straw…

[inthecornersofmymind]

My husband and I have not been getting on as well as we should be, although we don’t argue or bicker.

This relationship is taking a toll on me, and I just can't handle it anymore.

This morning, our 10-year-old eldest son felt very excited about returning to school.

I had a phone call late morning, where they asked me to pick him up as he was not feeling well. As soon as we got into the car, he mentioned he wasn't feeling unwell. He apologised and explained that he lied because he knew I was upset, and he just wanted to return home to be with me.

I am good at masking my emotions around the children, but they claim that children can sense things.

At just 10 years old, he shouldn't have to think about me while at school; in fact, he should be free of any worries.

When we got back home, I phoned my husband, only for him to claim that this issue is something I've caused myself and that he is 'not trying to hear it.'

He displayed no concern whatsoever for our son being upset at school.

I am struggling to cope with this.

Recently, I have encouraged us to go to therapy because I am convinced it will help us work through our difficulties. He lacks any interest but tells me I should have it for my benefit.

Your gorgeous DS - he’s clearly unhappy. If your husband doesn’t want to change anything then you need to take steps to minimise the impact on your DS.

I think your DHs comments, are all you need to hear really. If you are unhappy and have suggested counselling/therapy and he has declined, that indicates he thinks its your problem, not his or he can't be bothered or can't cope with the idea the marriage is not working.

BUT...Your child is being affected by the lack of action, he is picking up on the situation. You cannot do nothing.

Sit down with your husband and talk to him. Tell him how you feel and that this is not a "you problem", its an "us problem" and its affecting your child. Something needs to change. If you are inclined to (and only you know if you want to try re-energise the marriage - not for the kids sake but for your future happiness), get joint counselling or decide whether you need to walk away from the marriage.

I know this is scary and overpowering but you do need to address this now. Big Hugs

Your son pretended to be ill because he knew YOU were upset and he wanted to come home to be a comfort to YOU. He wasn't concerned about his dad so you are not masking very well at all.

Your husband isn't interested in working on your relationship, you say you can't handle it anymore and your son is being affected. Stop waiting for your husband to become interested in fixing things and leave. It's not fair on your son for things to continue as they are.

Your support means a lot to me, thank you. I hesitate to share this with my friends and family in real life because I feel embarrassed; they believe our marriage is nearly perfect.

To be honest, I don't think he will change. I understand that I can be difficult to handle at times; however, I consistently show him love and support.

What actions do you suggest I take?

All I wanted my husband to say was, 'Alright, let's talk about this when I return home.'

Yes, he was worried about me whilst at school because he knew I was upset.

Once we arrived at home, he didn't leave my side; we watched a film together until it was time to collect our younger son from nursery. Normally, he would go to his room.

You have your own answer, all you wanted was for your husband to say lets talk about it and handle it together, he did not.

Its really difficult to offer advice on the way forward as you haven't really said why you are unhappy in the marriage.

Be honest with yourself, what is wrong with the marriage, have you lost interest, have you both become complacent and there are things you can do to re-energise the relationship....if indeed you both want to make the effort to do this.

The way forward really does depend on your situation? Can you survive on your own with the kids? Do you work, whose name is the house in, whether you rent or own. Have you got all your financial ducks in a row to protect you, if you split?

If you haven't, I would hold back until you can sort this.

If you have, do you have family/friends nearby where you could leave the kids one weekend night? Get them out of the house and sit down with him and ask him if he is OK with the state of your marriage, listen to what he says and be honest with yourself about his answers, is there anything you could be doing better or trying hard at.

Then tell him why you are unhappy, and ask if he wants to work with you to try and sort it out. This is not your issue alone, he is party to this. You also need to ask him why, when you explained it was affecting your son, he said that is your fault and he is trying "not to hear it". If he genuinely believes this to be true, does he not want to address how you are feeling because besides how it is affecting your son, it either sounds like he has checked out already or is scared to admit the state of the marriage.

If he will not have a reasonable discussion then its time to tell him you need to consider splitting. If he is suffering from ostrich syndrome then that maybe the wake up call he needs.

Follow your gut instinct on the way forward but remember its not just about you two, but the future wellbeing of your children.

I think that when you talk to family or friends, they may have more of an inkling than you know. But talk to them in your own time.

Hmm, are you relying on your son to provide emotional support?

Or are you able to get this from family/friends?

Is there the possibility though that being the first day back your son was projecting. He said he knew you were upset and wanted to be home with you, but could this be the reverse? Having been at home for the school holidays he didn't want to be back at school.
Also could he just be saying he knew you were upset, thinking it was about him being back at school, and wanting to be home to keep you company, rather than awareness of this issues between you and his dad.

I keep my tears hidden from the children, and I would never open up to them.

I have no idea how he noticed I was upset; I've replayed my morning in my mind several times, and even though I felt low, I never displayed it.

Then this makes even more sense that your son may just have wanted to go home himself and used you as an excuse or he just felt you might have felt upset as you missed him being back at school (and no other bigger reason).

Our son truly enjoys school and spending time with his friends. We spent most of the Christmas break abroad and just got back from our ski trip on Monday.

I doubt he thinks for even a second that I would be bothered by him going back to school.

It might not be that you showed being upset this morning. Your son could have noticed at another time. Sounds like your husband has totally checked out and isn’t interested in saving anything. I’d look into splitting up, as it’s clearly affecting your children.

I can tell from the way my mum looks at me/people that she is saying one thing and feeling another. I used to get really annoyed as a kid as I could tell she disapproved of something but wouldn't say it out loud so I could challenge her on it. Kids might not know the specifics but they can often tell when something isn't right for all the attempts to hide it.

That would never be the situation; as parents, we have always been very strict on being honest and telling the truth.

Had he just wanted to come home, he would have been honest. We, as parents, do not shout or become upset at our children, even if their behaviour is out of line.

Thank you for clarifying this.

But school wouldn't have let him home just because he said that. He also must have been quite convincing to the staff at school as we generally don't send home unless we really have to.

Anyway, I think you need to sort things with your husband regardless. If he is unwilling to engage in therapy then I would suggest to him that things can't be salvaged and that he is opting out of your relationship. Seek legal advice.

Honestly, I couldn't care less about your views on what's acceptable.

We need to address our issues; however, I think my husband believes everything is okay and that this is normal in marriages.