The final straw…

[inthecornersofmymind]

My husband and I have not been getting on as well as we should be, although we don’t argue or bicker.

This relationship is taking a toll on me, and I just can't handle it anymore.

This morning, our 10-year-old eldest son felt very excited about returning to school.

I had a phone call late morning, where they asked me to pick him up as he was not feeling well. As soon as we got into the car, he mentioned he wasn't feeling unwell. He apologised and explained that he lied because he knew I was upset, and he just wanted to return home to be with me.

I am good at masking my emotions around the children, but they claim that children can sense things.

At just 10 years old, he shouldn't have to think about me while at school; in fact, he should be free of any worries.

When we got back home, I phoned my husband, only for him to claim that this issue is something I've caused myself and that he is 'not trying to hear it.'

He displayed no concern whatsoever for our son being upset at school.

I am struggling to cope with this.

Recently, I have encouraged us to go to therapy because I am convinced it will help us work through our difficulties. He lacks any interest but tells me I should have it for my benefit.

The OP has come on here to ask for advice, because she doesn't think its right that it is affecting her son. She is genuinely concerned that her son has picked up on her unhappiness and her husband does not see this as his problem. She knows this is not OK, that is the basis of her post so if you don't have any constructive advice to give, stop being so mean. The OP is is a really difficult place.

In your position I'd be considering leaving, because your husband is content to live in an unhappy situation, and doesn't seem to care about the effect it is having on your children. He is fine carrying on like this, because he blames you as the one with/causing any problems; and if you're unhappy, get yourself to counselling and get fixed but stop bothering me!

His cold disinterest in your 10-y-o would be the final straw for me. Whatever he thinks of you and you relationship as a couple, this should have been a wake- up call that there is something big wrong. But, no - itis all your problem to fix and he doesn'r want to be bothered. Cold, sociopathically cold.

When me and exdp weren't getting on, we weren't arguing there was just silence. I got called into school as ds was upset that me and his dad were arguing. I went home that afternoon and asked him to move out. It just goes to show how much our behaviour impacts dc.

2 things really struck me (and made me so sad for you).

I understand that I can be difficult to handle at times; however, I consistently show him love and support.

What does this mean? Has someone said this to you? This is a horrible message - no one is perfect, we can all be "difficult" at times, but it does not make us strange, wrong or unworthy of love and support.

The second thing is that the opposite of love is not hate - it is indifference. Once you dont really care about something, I am not sure there is any way back.

I easily become stressed, and I really hate that about myself. My husband doesn't help me out with this; he simply says he's used to it.

All I need from him is a little reassurance and support, is that asking for too much?

Thank you 🤗

OK, there is quite a bit here so its not a simple yes or no answer.

Everyone deserves support from their partner. If you are not getting it, what is the partnership for? And as for stress management - some people handle stress better than others. Doesnt mean you need "handling". Just makes you, you.

However, if you are anxious a lot of the time, and relying on other people to help you manage that, this can be exhausting and draining to a degree that the anxious person is oblivious too and people can get to a place of compassion fatigue. Is it possible that your DH is at this point? Have you tried to learn ways to manage your anxiety differently? It doesnt sound like good behaviour from him but he may just be burned out from it all.

Yes, I think he's drained and checked out of our relationship, although the intimacy is still there.

Then, gently and with great respect, there are things you can do to learn to manage stress differently. I think it might be helpful to you both because it cant be easy for you to live in a way that makes you hate yourself. Good luck.

…but he, very convincingly it would appear, lied to his teacher about feeling unwell! So much so, he was allowed to go home.

Yes, we are having sex, and he still greets with a hug and a kiss when he arrives home every evening.

How is this relevant in the current situation? What is the reason for your quotation?

Based on your further points then I do see his point about you seeking counselling on your own, as you acknowledge you are quite stressed and maybe it is this that is impacting your relationship as it does sound like he is still affectionate and available to you.

Op I would look at getting therapy for yourself as the first step. It will give you clarity in your patterns whether you stay in this relationship or not. It may also be that your DH changes his mind re joint counselling if you start your own sessions.

It obviously is too much for him, yes.

Why don't you regulate your own stress and anxiety? If you can't, get therapy to help you

The fact that your 10 year old has to lie to his teacher so that he can come home because he's so worried about you......BECAUSE YOU CANT REGULATE YOUR OWN EMOTIONS.....says it all

Get help from a professional.

Stop expecting your husband or anyone to help you (he's obviously checked out of helping you). Help yourself

Because you said you are both very strict about honesty and not telling lies…seems he’s better at lying than you thought 🤷‍♀️

@tuvamoodyson he was unwell he was feeling anxious and worried.
why are you and others picking on op .
Give her a break she has came her for advice

They’re not picking on OP? They’re trying to understand how things have gone from this

My husband and I have not been getting on as well as we should be, although we don’t argue or bicker.

To this
This relationship is taking a toll on me, and I just can't handle it anymore.

Because the history around what exactly has been going on and why (other than current school issue) wasn’t very clear.

If you think her comment wasn't nasty, then I will need to include you among those I will ignore here.

I appreciate you, thank you. 🤗

Throughout the years, I have attended therapy sessions to address my ongoing problems; however, the coping techniques given to me only work for a short period.

My husband suggested we go shopping together, and I plan to use the journey there to speak with him.

Evening! Just a quick update – my husband and I have had a conversation.

He's willing to come to therapy with me for support, but he’s not interested in doing it as a couple.

Picking on her? 🙄