In laws being so insensitive after the death of my newborn nephew

[McFool]

NC’d for this

My newborn nephew died at a few hours old on Christmas Day. He was my sister’s first child and it was completely unexpected. I’m very close to my sister and this has been absolutely devastating, and a really difficult few weeks. My focus right now is on supporting her and trying to juggle that with work, looking after kids etc. I’ve been making sure they get fed, liaising with the professionals, talking to family for them, looking for funeral care etc to make life a bit less shit for them. it’s been tough and basically everything that is not about my sister and her DH has been completely sidelined.

On Boxing Day DH told my ILs what happened and I got messages but along the lines of “Your poor sister! Hope everyone is OK”. I know some people are really shit when it comes to grief so I just replied thanking them and saying no everyone isn’t ok we are heartbroken but I appreciate the message.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run! No reply, just a heart reaction. They are now pestering me and DH to choose some dates for a Center Parcs holiday we normally go on with them at Easter.

AIBU this goes beyond not understanding grief, and it’s utterly insensitive. These are adults, you don’t have to experience loss to know the encrusting pain it must cause someone. I’ve told DH I’m not going to Center Parcs as right now I’m feeling pretty unforgiving. I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

Or do I need to get out my grief fog? We lost our dad a few Christmases ago and I know looking back I didn’t behave reasonably around that time!

I think you have it right when you say this about your anger. I think you just have to step back mentally and realise that you won't be thinking particularly calmly because you are in too much shock and it's too raw. And so the reactions you may feel won't necessarily be reasonable and won't be about your parents, but about how upset you are because of the baby. Forgive yourself for that, but don't allow it to mess up your relationship with your parents.

People sometimes avoid saying anything when something awful happens, and that hurts people too. And there's nothing that they can say that will fix things. I think you have to read 'hope everyone is okay' really as being wishing people well, not hoping that things will actually be okay.

An I'm sorry you are having such a horrible time.

Yeah I agree but I think this is what the poster is most annoyed about. The suggesting of a run is a misunderstanding as MIL probably didn't mean her sister and not straight away anyway! Raising money for a charity can give meaning to loosing someone. It was a clumsy comment but meant well.

I really can’t stand it when someone says “no we are obviously not okay” when people say something well meaning like “I hope they’ll be okay” etc. “okay” really just means “as expected” “holding out” or whatever. It’s being rude to someone being sweet.

Im sorry for the loss in your family. Well done for trying to hold everything together.

I do think the three things have compounded in your head.

The first message sounds like clumsy wording. But many people just stay silent as they dont know what to say, at least they reached out.

The run thing is odd but im guessing they just don't understand the extent this is affecting you all.

The holiday is obviously not a priority for you now but actually booking availability now for Easter will be limited already so delaying could cause issues.

Take a breath and be thankfull they are there and be sure to let them know if they can do anything to help you.

Thanks water rat
not sure what part you mean or basically all of it
but it sure showed them up for what they are
this is dh parents
my typos did not make that clear

and I have nothing to do with them at all now
thankfully
and dh is v v distant with them
he actually can’t stand them

Oh - I’m so sorry for your loss. Your poor sister.

I do think the in-laws got it wrong, but it doesn’t sound like they meant to. I think a pp made the point that they maybe didn’t expect your personal grief to be so overwhelming; perhaps they hadn’t really clocked how close you are to your sister? Families differ so much. Might it help if your DH has a word and explains how upset you are and that they have - even if unintentionally- upset you?

This sort of unexpected loss of a much wanted baby evokes so many emotions and one is anger.
I do not think your ILs are very good at saying the right things in this situation but I honestly think that they are probably doing their best and we have to accept people with their strengths and weaknesses.
You are deeply embroiled in your caring role and emotions are running high.
I think it would be good take care not to let this sad situation cause a long term rift with your ILs .... not easy I know, but maybe wisest in the long term.
I am so sorry about your family's loss. X

This sort of unexpected loss of a much wanted baby evokes so many emotions and one is anger.
I do not think your ILs are very good at saying the right things in this situation but I honestly think that they are probably doing their best and we have to accept people with their strengths and weaknesses.
You are deeply embroiled in your caring role and emotions are running high.
I think it would be good take care not to let this sad situation cause a long term rift with your ILs .... not easy I know, but maybe wisest in the long term.
I am so sorry about your family's loss. X

I think sometimes it was so much better when people picked up the phone to see how people were ( not blaming the op’s PIL here, everyone does it now) sometimes texts come over the wrong way depending on how we read them. When you can hear a tone of voice and that’s followed by a sympathetic conversation it’s surely better?

Thanks everyone. I’m so pleased I posted, I do probably need a good shake. I have a very open approach to death and losing people and I forget some people are just shit at handling grief (theirs and their loved ones).

Im stepping back from ILs for now, I’ve told DH he can sort Center Parcs dates - though he’s suggesting going somewhere else just us and the kids but honestly I can’t even contemplate something like a holiday.

To clarify, she did mean for me and my sister to do the 2k thing as it’s a January challenge. Frankly I’m glad just to be able to step out the house let alone run! Might sound daft as he wasn’t my baby but I’ve never ever felt grief like this. My sister, the person I love more than I love anyone bar my own DC (Awful as it sounds I think I may love her more than I love my DH) has gone through the worst thing a person could go through, and it’s absolutely destroying me.

I’ve also had the most amazing friend group, some who’ve experienced late term miscarriages, support me in the most perfect way. They set a high standard! DH is just standing round saying “tell me what you need me to do and I’ll do it” but actually that’s precisely what me, sister and BIL need from him right now.

You are being a bit harsh.

Some people aren’t good at grief. They may have felt like they were helping offering the run.

The trip away also might be a distraction they hope might make you feel better.

Lots of hugs to you ❤️

I can TOTALLY relate. When my dad died a few years ago, it was also unexpected and a very sudden violent death. I remember the day after it happening, HIGNFY was on the TV and the audience was laughing. I remember saying to DH “What the fuck have they got to laugh about”. Which is absolutely bonkers, I know, but at the time I found it weirdly personal and offensive that people would laugh when my lovely dad had had a really horrific and premature end to his life.

I am so sorry for the loss of your nephew. So very sorry.

I think sometimes the older generation have grown up with less emotional openness, and so are more inclined to try and “help” through either suggesting “productive” ways to cope with grief, and/or ways to try and “take your mind off it” with positive things in the diary etc.

So I think this might be them trying to help and show that they care and don’t want you to be in so much pain. It isn’t how you need them to support you, but I don’t think it’s malicious of them.

I understand and I’m trying not to be too upset in front of her because he wasn’t my baby and I don’t want to be a grief there. But I think the strength of feeling isn’t just for my nephew, but for my sister, the abject sadness I feel for her and how much I wish it was me going through this and not her. Which is AWFUL, but it’s how I feel.

I am very pleased now that I didn’t reply with expletives. I nearly did! But I’ll kick this one to DH and try and get past it. Like I say I’ve experienced awful grief in the past and looking back I did and said some bloody weird things! Grief must debilitate a person’s brain I reckon for a while (or rather a more scientific way of describing it but you know what I mean)

I am so sorry for your loss. How completely awful. Life is so cruel.

When you love someone as deeply as you love your sister your grief is almost as raw. Grief for the baby you’d all looked forward to and grief for her utter devastation. If only you could take the pain away. Xx

Yes I think you’re right. Grief and shock do strange things to our brains. It’s why is always advised not to make big decisions ( or in this case reply with explicatives 😉) for a good while.

I thought everyone with a sister loved them more than they love their own husband? God knows I do. Her pain is my pain, viscerally. So very sorry OP, it's a gut wrenching loss.

So sorry for your family lost
they are useless but not evil. I’d ask DH to ask them not to text you about it or to give some ground rules about what they should and shouldn’t say.
i don’t think it’s unreasonable for them to want to book dates now for Easter it’s very soon but they should liaise with their son.

They are being insensitive, but they possibly don't view this as your tragedy, and so are not thinking that you personally would be so devastated by your sister's loss that you are unable to contemplate holiday dates or a charity event. It would be different if they sent these things directly to your sister. Get DH to explain that you are not in a good way, and try to cut these people some slack. Sorry for your loss.

I think they're doing their best to try to help but it's too soon. Maybe you could gently tell them that. Further down the line a break away together might be a lovely thing. I'm so sorry for your loss, that's heartbreaking.

I am so sorry to hear this, it must be unbearable.
I think they shouldn't be texting and maybe sending a card , simply just saying that they are thinking of you all and how sorry they are .
Pressuring you for dates for an event that is the last thing on your mind is what you definitely don't need.

You’ve just made wish I had a sister 😂 I do fortunately have a couple of childhood friends that are almost as good as and a lovely brother but a sister would have been nice too.