In laws being so insensitive after the death of my newborn nephew

[McFool]

NC’d for this

My newborn nephew died at a few hours old on Christmas Day. He was my sister’s first child and it was completely unexpected. I’m very close to my sister and this has been absolutely devastating, and a really difficult few weeks. My focus right now is on supporting her and trying to juggle that with work, looking after kids etc. I’ve been making sure they get fed, liaising with the professionals, talking to family for them, looking for funeral care etc to make life a bit less shit for them. it’s been tough and basically everything that is not about my sister and her DH has been completely sidelined.

On Boxing Day DH told my ILs what happened and I got messages but along the lines of “Your poor sister! Hope everyone is OK”. I know some people are really shit when it comes to grief so I just replied thanking them and saying no everyone isn’t ok we are heartbroken but I appreciate the message.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run! No reply, just a heart reaction. They are now pestering me and DH to choose some dates for a Center Parcs holiday we normally go on with them at Easter.

AIBU this goes beyond not understanding grief, and it’s utterly insensitive. These are adults, you don’t have to experience loss to know the encrusting pain it must cause someone. I’ve told DH I’m not going to Center Parcs as right now I’m feeling pretty unforgiving. I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

Or do I need to get out my grief fog? We lost our dad a few Christmases ago and I know looking back I didn’t behave reasonably around that time!

I remember your thread @LadyMacbethWasFierce and I didn't think you were unreasonable in the slightest and was absolutely horrified at the insensitivity shown to you.

My heart goes out to you - your beautiful 24 year old daughter, it's incomprehensible.

I absolutely get there are no words that will help you, or OP's sister. The pain is just too great for those of us fortunate enough not to have experienced a loss of that kind to understand.

However, as cogent, functioning humans, we can avoid gross sensitivity, like in your case, sending generic HNY texts or in this case, saying 'I hope she's OK' in relation to a woman who has suffered a stillbirth, at Christmas (not that it would be any easier at any other time). Simply saying 'I'm so sorry. Please let me know if there is anything you need', and then checking in, with kindness and empathy, with OP, would be all that is needed here.

When I was in the thick of grief after my DF died I know I was not the most reasonable person, and anger is a stage of grief.

My DF died of cancer, and a friend’s mum was also going through cancer treatment although palliative as she was terminally ill. I remember feeling anger and jealousy when she told me that the treatment was working in the sense that it was giving her mum more time. I feel dreadful now that I was angry rather than happy for her that she got to have a few more weeks with her mum. Luckily I kept my anger private

My mother died unexpectedly before Christmas. I went to my evening class and my weekly music lesson as usual. I led a walk with my walking group the week after.

I found it helpful to carry on as normal This was a purely personal decision. Doing ordinary stuff actually helped me to process my feelings of grief as well as giving me some moments of respite.

I'd say it took me a month before I was able to take on a more 'difficult' area of work again - one that required particular concentration, focus, clear head space etc.

I realise that grief is very various and that some people will just need to sit with their grief for a much onger period.

But I think too about my ancestors. A great grandmother who lost two of her sons after childbirth. A great aunt whose son and grandon were murdered in the Shoah.

Sometimes life is horrible and cruel and unfair in ways we just can't expect and it absolutely shakes us.

I think a more recent generation has been brought up with the idea that life ought to be good and kind and fair and happy, and that makes it harder to deal with horrible stuff that happens.

You have already lost a new relative, who you were looking forward to building a relationship with.

Please don't risk losing friends and family because of the intensity of your grief.

People can try harder, to have some basic kindness and understanding.

Come on! We can't pat people on the back because they to the absolute minimum, and then breezily say they hope OP's sister is OK, or suggest a fundraising initiative that her and her sister can do. I mean, use a bit of critical thinking.

Firstly, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your nephew, it sounds like you have been a fantastic support to your sister at a really difficult time.

What is it you would have liked from your in-laws? It sounds like they made a clumsy attempt to empathise, but the fact your reaction is so strong leads me to wonder what is your relationship with them is like generally? I’m guessing they probably don’t know your sister too well and they’re not her (or your) parents - so how would you have liked them to have acted or what could they have said or done to you to help you feel better?

Once again, sincere condolences.

It’s very hard to know what to say to someone who’s suffered a bereavement, but whenever I’ve had a family bereavement it’s infinitely better for people to say something. Saying nothing is the unforgivable thing.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”.

Are people missing this? The suggestion from the ILs is that both OP and her sister, bereaved, post-partum, could now in January, a few weeks after she gave birth and lost her little baby, run 2k each day in January.

It doesn't matter it was sent to OP and not her sister - it was the suggestion that OP's sister would even consider doing this.

I don't think they ABU, so I say kindly, that you need to just take a step back from them and don't respond to anything at the moment. Get your DH to messgae them about the holiday asking them to give you a couple of weeks to deal with everything before worrying about the holiday.

Me too. People can be so hard-hearted.

Outside9 · Today 15:43
"I'm surprised by the vote count.
I don't think YABU."

I didn't vote. I don't think the OP is BU but I don't think the inlaws meant anything but good by what they said.

I’m not sure calling them “utter scum” is quite fair though.

YANBU

I'd be feeling the exact same way as you about this. I'd be angry and want space. I'd be getting DH to ask her nicely to back off, that you need space to grieve.

Otherwise, I'd end up snapping at her. She is being ridiculous, how on earth did she think she was being remotely sensible or sensitive to suggest a woman who has just given birth should go for a daily 2K run? That's even without factoring in that this poor woman's newborn has died.

Sending my sympathy to you @McFool , this is truly devastating, and I can feel your heartbreak 💔

I think grief really makes us a bit mad. I was actually fuming with a friend for doing something I felt was very insensitive, then other family members. They might be underestimating the impact on you personally. I think just give them a wide berth for now and DH can explain you have no headspace.

They are insenstive
we had the same when our son died
parents
siad oh we can make the funeral we will be away In spain on holiday …

they had an apartment there and both didn’t work
so all they would have missed was a cheap easyJet flight

dh badly wanted them there so we delayed the funeral and the funeral was 4 weeks after he died

during the time they were on there holiday they would send messages saying hey how are you all
what you been upto this weekend

and would get a reply of sorting funeral flowers or whatever
ro which they wouldn’t reply to

then in the actual funeral
when the part came when his coffin went onto the ground
sorry I can’t remember the name for that part
they left as they couldn’t handle it

and it’s never ever been ok with them since
14 years later

I'd rather be kept in someone's thoughts than for someone to bang out the shit that this OP's MIL is.

Saying nothing may be unforgivable to you, but equally, in my view, saying something insensitive would be the unforgivable thing.

My advice tell your dh to tell them to back off
and do not go on holiday with them this year as you’ll want to rip their heads off

@StarfromtheNorth that's absolutely awful I'm so sorry

I'm sorry but if she HADN'T lost her baby would you or anyone in their right mind suggest a woman less than TWO WEEKS past giving birth runs a 2k charity marathon?

Lets not even consider the mental effect of grief here for a second or all the work surrounding loss and funerals etc... and consider just on a common sense human level that this woman JUST gave birth. One of the hardest things the human body goes through and a huge medical trauma that she hasn't healed from.

Of course its an utterly INSANE thing to suggest, even a professional Olympic level athlete is unlikely to be running marathons 2 WEEKS after giving birth.

Op please don’t listen to this person. As a bereaved parent myself I think you are bang out of order calling them scum. I can understand the OP being angry at them but not a complete stranger. Your termination is atrocious.

So sorry for your families loss 💓

I think they are trying their best tbh. It’s always difficult to know what to say as everyone handles grief and shock so differently. I think what they’ve said is quite considerate, I’m assuming they don’t know your sister very well.

So hard to know what is the ‘right’ thing to say or do for each person so I think I would try and be polite and appreciative of any warm comments; I’m sure there will be many coming your way. Not everyone has experience of this context either so people will just be warm and genuine in their gestures even if it’s not perfect it’s still ok to take it as a comfort. 🙏

Your post is just stirring things up tbf. Many words sound clumsy concerning death. It’s hard to find the right ones and what you might find sensitive someone else might find insensitive .

I actually think what they said was sensitive and the fact they're asking after you and sister is good. I would be mad if I had heard nothing. The holiday is annoying but just let your husband deal with that. You'll find not many people understand the enormity of a child's death and it will cause anger. Try not to engage and just ignore and find peace in the people who are truly sensitive. I'm so sorry you and your sister are going through this.

The holiday arrangement s might be undiplomatic but they might also be trying ( perhaps clumsily) to take the OP’s mind off things and give her something to look forward to.

As I explained further up thread, they are witnessing op going through this, they probably suggested it to op and then thought it would be inconsiderate to leave the sister out so just added her in there.

Or maybe they just suggested it for further down the line.

Or maybe they saw it, and thought of ops families situation without reading further into it.

It was a clumsy suggestion for sure, but it was made to the op with a good intention and then not mentioned again.

Exactly