In laws being so insensitive after the death of my newborn nephew

[McFool]

NC’d for this

My newborn nephew died at a few hours old on Christmas Day. He was my sister’s first child and it was completely unexpected. I’m very close to my sister and this has been absolutely devastating, and a really difficult few weeks. My focus right now is on supporting her and trying to juggle that with work, looking after kids etc. I’ve been making sure they get fed, liaising with the professionals, talking to family for them, looking for funeral care etc to make life a bit less shit for them. it’s been tough and basically everything that is not about my sister and her DH has been completely sidelined.

On Boxing Day DH told my ILs what happened and I got messages but along the lines of “Your poor sister! Hope everyone is OK”. I know some people are really shit when it comes to grief so I just replied thanking them and saying no everyone isn’t ok we are heartbroken but I appreciate the message.

This week they have sent more messages, with a fundraiser for a baby loss charity about running 2k a day in January and “Maybe you and your sister could do this, try and raise some money”. I replied to say my sister can’t even get out of bed let alone go for a run! No reply, just a heart reaction. They are now pestering me and DH to choose some dates for a Center Parcs holiday we normally go on with them at Easter.

AIBU this goes beyond not understanding grief, and it’s utterly insensitive. These are adults, you don’t have to experience loss to know the encrusting pain it must cause someone. I’ve told DH I’m not going to Center Parcs as right now I’m feeling pretty unforgiving. I honestly feel like I’d be happy never seeing them again.

Or do I need to get out my grief fog? We lost our dad a few Christmases ago and I know looking back I didn’t behave reasonably around that time!

Grief is so hard.
I lost my mum in 2021 and when it's was my birthday, I got messages saying "happy birthday"

Nothing was "happy" for me and I decided to delete my birthday from Facebook to avoid this, as it was so triggering.
It was my first birthday without my mum and it was very difficult 💔

DH was talking about us going on holiday that year, as we had to cancel it in 2020, but I was in no mood for a holiday and told him he could go with the kids if he wanted, as I wasn't interested in a holiday that year. I was in such terrible grief.

Your inlaws are well meaning. Some people don't know what to say.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I honestly don't think your in-laws are being deliberately insensitive, everyone deals with grief so differently, and in the anger phase nothing will ever be right.

Get your DH to ask them to back right off for now, he's best placed to tell them what you need. Don't make any long term decisions for the moment.

It’s a bit of both. They are being quite rubbish and you are extra sensitive because you are in so much pain. I’m so sorry this happened.
Just get DH to do all contact with them for now.

Although you're not happy wjth the conten, their messages show they are thinking of you and your sister and her family. I don't think you can fault them for doing that and personally, I would much prefer that to silence, which I was so upset by from one or two so called close people after bereavements I had. Ignoring grief is the worst imo. Just say you won't be able go commit to CP at the moment but appreciate their texts.
I'm very sorry to think of your sister's loss. May your little darling nephew rest in peace. 💐

I am also a bereaved parent - my baby died very unexpectedly too. I agree that you're being hard on them. So many people did not acknowledge my loss and that hurt a lot. They are thinking of you and your sister and this is their way of trying to support you. Cut them some slack. I am so sorry for your sisters loss.

So sorry for this terrible loss. You are raging which is a natural reaction but take care who your rage focuses on. Your in-laws are doing their best but nothing can mitigate the pain at the moment.

You were not unreasonable and I voted that at the time. This is different imo. Thinking of you. January being dark and everlasting doesn't help during rotten times. I hope you have good people around you 💐

I learnt early on in my adult life that grief is not linear. I lost both my parents when I was in my 30s and recently lost my younger sister, not suddenly but quickly. I think that we struggle with grief nowadays because it is not something that happens regularly to us, particularly not infant death.

Older generations have probably had more experience of it and at a time when it wasn’t made a massive public display of grief. That doesn’t mean to say that it’s wrong but with social media it has made us all more aware of how devastating it can be. Families, immediate and extended are very quick to share their loss, whereas in the past it was often a very private thing.

I’m older and wiser as a result of grief and I now know that, for me, withdrawing from everything but the necessary activities for a few months is my best way of coping. It means I don’t have to explain, I don’t feel unnecessarily triggered by people enjoying themselves when I think they shouldn’t and im able to spend time processing the loss I’ve experienced.

After my DF died I really plummeted into a dark spot and ended up on antidepressants for a couple of years. This was the culmination of a period of years where I lost 5 pregnancies, then successfully carried my DS to 36wks but had a rollercoaster pregnancy.

I learned that most people annoy you after bereavement even if they are trying to be nice. It’s easier to just avoid situations where people are likely to say the wrong thing. In time, when the fog lifts you can gradually rejoin life. It’s ok to be sad, angry and a bit out of it. What isn’t a good idea is to try and carry on as normal but then expect everyone to understand when you lose it. Far better to just turn down invitations and explain that you are just not ready to join in yet.

Concentrate on supporting your DSis, however much you are hurting, her pain will be unimaginably worse. Loosing any member of the family is awful but don’t make the mistake of grieving for her. She will need you over the next few months. There are circles of grief, your DSis and her DH/DP are at the centre, you are in the next circle protecting the inner circle. Your PIL are somewhere in the very outer circles, they don’t feel the biological connection that you are currently experiencing so apart from sympathy they are not feeling the grief, it would be a bit weird and grief thiefish if they were.

If they had sent the charity link to her, that would have been insensitive. It seems like they are trying to see how some good might come out of a horrid situation. And as a pp said above, it’s not insensitive to think you would still like to go on holiday in April. It’s your sister’s baby that has died, not yours, and you still need to live your lives as a family (while fully supporting her, of course).

I agree with this. It sounds like they are trying to be helpful. You may be angry, but saying you'd be happy to never see them again based on those two conversations is not reasonable.

They probably don’t really know what to say, it’s absolutely awful and so cruel and I know I would struggle how to vocalise that and worry I’d say the wrong thing. I’m so sorry for your families loss, centre parcs is a while away so at the moment will seem so irrelevant but in a few months time you might appreciate the break away

OP I’m so very very sorry for your sister and for you.
I lost my first baby at full term on 22 December and almost died myself (placental abruption) - woke up on 24 December and had to “meet” my dead perfect baby.
I mention this because one of my sisters flew over straight away (as did another and my mum) but her trauma from the death of my baby is still present and raw - 12 years later - to the point that she cries so much she’s unable to speak.
Ny in-laws were great at the time and did go on to say some insensitive things but I tried hard to understand where they were coming from (just about managed).
I think it’s good advice to get your DH to take messages etc for the next couple of months.

They didn't send it to the mother though.

I agree the suggestion was completely unreasonable by the way.

I think you're taking everything too personally (not surprisingly). They're trying to be kind and helpful even though they're not actually being at all helpful.

I really think you have to look at people's intentions and give them some slack in everything else.

I'd imagine Centre Parcs has to be booked up pretty early and I'd be putting your kids first on that one - their life needs to go on. So if you really don't want to go then let DH go with the kids and have him let the ILs know that you won't be going this year.

You don't need to cut them out forever over this though.

I learned that most people annoy you after bereavement even if they are trying to be nice.

Yes, honestly there is not much people can say that feels very helpful when it's so raw, even when you know everything they say is kindly meant.

What grief taught me was that the people who are most keen for you to get over it and organise the funeral and stop talking about it are the ones who care least.

Seen it so many times.

People get criticized for pulling away at times of grief for fear of making a mistake. The ILs are trying to maintain contact and trying to show they are thinking about you and your sister. They may not be doing it exactly the way you would prefer, but it’s still them trying,

I really think people are being way too literal over the 'I hope everyone is ok' comment too.

Obviously they're not thinking you're all happy as Larry, it's just something people say when something bad happens to people.

bit harsh, they didn't say anything wrong at all

I'd imagine Centre Parcs has to be booked up pretty early and I'd be putting your kids first on that one - their life needs to go on. So if you really don't want to go then let DH go with the kids and have him let the ILs know that you won't be going this year.

I largely agree with that. But there's no need to tell the in-laws she's not going. That decision is best made closer to the date, and when OP has surfaced a little from that well of sadness and anger.

I've been where you are, my sister lost her 9 week old after he was born at 26 weeks and he spent his whole life in hospital. It was an absolutely horrible time for us all.

I do think they're being insensitive. Everything is still very raw, and right now you and your family aren't in a position to think about anything much, which is totally understandable. I'd suggest muting any messages from them just now and getting your DH to deal with any contact from them.

Sending hugs from one bereaved auntie to another

I understand your anger, my adult son died less than a year ago.
I didn't go out at all for a few months with close friends as l had done regularly before.for lunch / shopping etc
I just sat in the car whilst my DH (not his dad but also heartbroken) ran all our errands /shopping etc.
One good friend, I'd say my closest,was brilliant, brought us meals round, so caring, but at a distance, did everything 'right' you might say, if there is such a thing. She came to the funeral although hardly knew him, she was in floods of tears herself and said it was because of seeing me so upset.
Fast forward to when l first agreed to go out with her as we had always done, shopping, lunch, wine etc. l kept myself remarkably composed throughout and you probably wouldn't have known if you didn't know me....until we went in a shop that sold nik naks and l saw these little heart shaped plaques and one read 'l miss you so much'
Well that was me in tears, but not sobbing loudly or anything and nobody had noticed except my friend.
She grabbed my arm and literally frogmarched me out of the shop, saying 'Come on come on ,out !' as if l was a naughty child having a tantrum or a shoplifter. Everyone staring at me now.
When we got outside , it wasn't mentioned again and although it should've been obvious that I'd had enough she proceeded to walk into another and another shop.
In the end l had to tell her l needed go home or at least sit down somewhere. We had been out for our usual length of time or not far off.
She's not asked me out again since.

I’ve seen a few posts/threads recently where people are educating others on what not to say to a grieving person, and at times the advice is polar opposite. There are clearly some stupid and insensitive comments but a lot of it is not black and white. Intention should count more than expression.

You really should consider what you have said here. Your choice of words are inappropriate and far from being supportive, you are being inflammatory. Grief takes many forms. Perhaps if you read about the stages of grief you might understand that op is grieving and misdirecting her anger. Starting a feud with in-laws is not going to help and could have ramifications within family relationships from which the family might never recover.

Op I am so sorry for your sisters loss. Nothing will help at the moment, except being there when she needs you.

Fundamentally, it's impossible to get it right, or at least it's sometimes only by luck that you do.

Some of the things that gave other new widows comfort, I just found horribly trite when my DH died. Things that people said that helped me, I've seen mentioned as the wrong thing to say, in articles about grief. Often there's no way of knowing until it's said.

When my classroom assistant's mother died and she was running around trying to balance the needs of her father and her children in that first couple of days of compassionate leave, I went round with a lasagne, salad and garlic bread, so that she didn't need to stress about getting herself and the kids fed (it would have kept for a couple of days if she was set up for that evening's meal)
I'd read multiple times that that is a helpful thing to do. I didn't stay, just dropped it round.

She just looked at me as if I was mad, and clearly couldn't understand why I'd done it. I felt like a complete idiot.

So yes, when I was widowed I was grateful for anyone who made the effort to actually approach me and say anything. If it was clumsy or not to my taste, I let that go. They cared and they tried.

I think this is wise and right. There has been a lot on TV recently about people who have lost loved ones, especially children, and have publicly poured their grief into charitable activity. I respect their choices but it does seem to give the impression that "this is how you handle this grief" I get your massive anger, I was the same when my husband died and I am very grateful to the close people who let me rip, not at them but to them. By all means tell your husband that you need space and quiet from them for now but lonterm, please don't blame then for being clumsy in their response.