To not understand how people have an evening.

[Littlebittiredoflife]

My children are 8 and 12 and we've not had an evening for basically that long. 8 year old is in bed by half 8 and older one up later but sorts themselves out. We're always washing up, prepping lunches, putting washing on, unloading dishwasher, until at least 10pm at night. I mean at least one of us is (obviously not me tonight as I'm writing this). I saw someone who said they watch TV together then one of them goes and reads and the other plays video games- are they getting in bed at midnight? Obviously when they were younger and needed more help with sleep and eating I accepted we wouldn't have much time to ourselves, either together or apart but we still don't seem to be getting any.

Also I'm aware we do have an evening but it seems to be spent on routine and never pleasure!

Wear clothes more than once. Don't iron.

Few points that jumped out at me. What were you doing for the hour and a quarter between 6pm and sitting down together at 7.15?
Having a 45 minute meal while you all spend time chatting all together sounds lovely, it is time together too?
But mainly, I can't see how it can possibly take 90 minutes to clean up after dinner and put a load of washing on. The washing should be a 10 minute job max, and that's if you have to go around the house collecting the load,
Emptying the dishwasher refilling with dirty dishes, hand washing the things that don't go in and wiping the side down should be like 30 minutes if you potter? Did he totally destroy the kitchen while he cooked?
The dishwasher could have been emptied earlier, by one of you while the dinner was being cooked, then dirty cooking dishes loaded as you go. Possibly even a first run while you are eating them and save the hand washing.
But mainly I just can't imagine how it can take you that long
I get the hoovering, unless you are going to trash every weekend then some of the weekly jobs have to be done mid week.

I do a lot of this in the morning or the day. Or as i am cooking dinner. The only thing left to do by 8pm is load the last plates in the dishwasher and turn it on.
I also am not fastidious about tidying. So will not have everything neatly back in its place before i sit down. I know some people arent able to relax until its all done but i am able to.

I think there are 2 schools of thought on the hoovering. Neither are right or wrong in my opinion, just what suits you, family and schedule. E.g 7 mins a days versus an hour or a bit more once a week is pretty much the same time commitment.

The point behind if OP did her hour yesterday, then it is not needed tomorrow or the next? So tomorrow she gains back an hour and the next day ?

Or it may actually suit her to do the quick hoover approach to save the blocks of time she is losing? So good to recommend.

In answer to the DH dishwasher load approach I feel your pain! But I leave it be as it suits me. 😊

It sounds like she doesn't always finish so early, so that's why she did the extra housework given she was home at 4 on this day?
Those of you who mention doing things like a load of laundry on the morning or during the day, are you home during the day while the ip is out at work?
@Littlebittiredoflife
If you can't streamline every evening, can you pick one a week where you both agree you will prioritise being done as soon as the kids are in bed and relaxing for an hour together?
What time are you getting up? As if you wanting 8.5 hours from 11 then does that mean you aren't getting up until 7.30 to get yourself and kids out the house to school and work? In which case I think that is part you'r problem it's no wonder you don't have time to empty the dishwasher or stick a load of washing on. You are basically sacrificing part of your relaxed evening together in favour of a slow morning and more sleep.
Which is fine if that's what you choose but I feel you are probably going to have to come to terms with not having both......

I hear you, OP. Frankly I'm baffled by all the people who both work, have kids and have "an evening" midweek.

One of us will be back around 6.30, the other maybe the same, maybe later if there are late work meetings. Even with a simple batch-cooked tea from freezer and dishes straight in the dishwasher, and house cleaning saved till the weekend, there's laundry (lots of sports kit), homework supervision, diaries to organise, things to pay for, forms to return to school, showers/baths, prepping bags for next day etc etc... And that's without ad-hoc parents' evenings, school events, extra-curricular etc.. We're usually done by about 10pm and have about half an hour's "evening" to chat about the day while watching the news, then DH heads to bed as he's up earlier than me unloading the dishwasher, prepping breakfast etc...

Saturday evening (if batch-cooking done) we'll have an evening in front of the TV - first with kids then an hour or two just us. OP, hope this makes you feel less hopeless. You're not alone!

That's like 30 minutes for me. I just don't get how this list is taking 90 minutes. Unload and reload the dishwasher is 10 minutes. Washing up other stuff is about 5 or 10 minutes. Sorting and putting on laundry is 15 minutes at the most, unless its a white or black load, in which case I can grab anything that colour out of the basket and shove it all in the machine in under 5 minutes.

How can that possibly take an hour and a half? What the fuck are you doing with this laundry?

It sounds like she doesn't always finish so early, so that's why she did the extra housework given she was home at 4 on this day?

Sorry I missed this. That makes sense on the extra hour. Thank you.

I don’t understand how dishwasher and washing up can take 90 minutes.
don’t use stuff that needs handwashing during the week, why are you using hand painted plates? I use them only on special occasions. Generally in my house everything goes into the dishwasher (I don’t buy anything that’s not dishwasher safe).
If something didn’t fit first time around I’m not hand washing it, its waiting for second load while I’m relaxing

why are you hoovering in the evening?

also laundry is a pain but it shouldn’t get that long to sort something and chuck it into washing machine giving you coupe of hours until it needs drying

You can do a whole weeks' laundry in one load? Or are you up super early to do multiple loads by 9.30?

You finish at 5 and your husband at 4. There's the answer, clearly!

I just timed myself unloading the dishwasher and it took 8.5 minutes. I'm pretty vigilant about checking that everything is squeaky as we have food allergies in the house so need to ensure no cross contamination, so I accept that it could be possible in 5.

But that was at 1 am with nobody else awake! When I did it earlier, it took over half an hour as one kid told me he'd opened the last apple juice, so I stopped and added that to the next shop, then one kid needed something from the cupboard behind next to the dishwasher so I stopped and closed it so he could find it. Then the littlest wanted to 'help' by perilosly clattering the china together, so I cut her up some fruit to distract her, by which time it had started to rain, so I went outside to take a picture of the middle one's snowman before it melted etc etc.

Those of you for whom these everyday tasks only take 5-10 minutes - where are your kids during this time? Are they never around while you're doing the chores? Or are mine just unusually distracting (I'm more than willing to believe that TBF!)

OP - I have a 10 year age gap between oldest and youngest and my kids aren't in school, so I've just accepted that living a life with minimal routine that accommodates teens and toddlers is going to be hectic! My earliest riser is up at 7.30 and my latest sleeper just made me jump on the landing! 🤣

But I was a 'bedroom' kid and would be largely by myself in my room in between mealtimes whereas I much prefer our household in which we're mostly together, getting in each others' way, distracting each other, and making things take longer, even if I do have to remind myself that it won't be forever sometimes! 😁

Same OP, but even later for me (2 teenagers, an 8 and 12 year old and a DH that works away). The majority of answers have thoroughly depressed me and I'm absolutely shocked at how easy it is for so many.

Wait, what's easier than a sandwich?

We usually sit down around 9-9:30 and settle for sleep around midnight. We get up between 7 and 7:30. Both natural owls though, our routine wouldn’t suit people who are early to bed and 5am rise types.

Same for us. Once they go to bed that is my time to read, watch TV etc. I do showers as soon as school run is done, then dinner, dishwasher, laundry and then bedtime routine. My husband works until 6 or 7 but when home he will do jobs till about 8 and be done for the evening. I’m also baffled what keeps you up so late?

My husband is also gone most of the time and so a strict bedtime routine etc is how I manage. My children are much younger (both under 6) but I always go do what I want once they are both in bed. I fit the dishwasher, laundry etc in when they are awake and around the school run and work. I will say that I don’t empty the dishwasher till the morning, I also start a load of laundry as soon as I’m home which then gets put to dry once dinner is done and then taken out the next morning. Can you break down what jobs are keeping you up late? Are your children needing help with homework or anything else eating into the time that could be on chores? My husband when home isn’t back till 6 or 7pm and that would make it much harder for him vs me who is home at 5pm

I think you have ADHD 😆 I also have it. My husband doesn’t and he would have continued the dishwasher and not got distracted by the snowman etc. I’d have told my youngest I don’t need help thank you and put them with a toy and the child needing to get in the cupboard would have to wait till I’m done. I also wouldn’t have stopped for the snowman. But I will say I’ve had lots of therapy and years of working on ADHD strategies and try to finish a task once it’s began, I find podcasts super helpful or music to keep me on track or we use timers so I will say ok I’m doing the dishwasher for 10 minutes if you need anything ask me after. Most people would have done the dishwasher and then done the other tasks I suppose.

You got me! 😂😂😂 The adding the apple juice when asked was an ADHD strategy as otherwise I would have forgotten by the time I'd finished. But the rest is just how it turned out!

The cupboard was fair enough as he started his thing before I began doing the dishwasher and it was time-sensitive so making him wait for something that we both know I could easily pause for 2 minutes would have been mean. (Plus he sually empties the dishwasher, headphones on, in record speed, so I need him onside, possibly as a lfe coach!😂)

The snowman was a labour of love and deserved to be recorded before his unfortunate (and surprisingly heartrending!) demise and his photo shoot had already been postponed twice because the youngest needed a poo and a confused delivery driver needed directions.

So, I guess it's a combination of ADHD side-quest issues and priorities/being an absolute sucker for the kids' creative endeavours. I'd rather have photos of a snowman than a evening on the sofa, it turns out, so I got what I deserved!! ⛄😂

You are what we call a “fanny”. If you stop fannying around you’ll get your jobs done quickly and have more time to relax. There’s no way it should take an hour to hoover a 3 bed house. 20 mins is more than doable if you minus fannying about.

Your kids are old enough to do their own lunches, supervised initially. They could also do dishwasher duties. It would take about half an hour (max) if they got efficient at it.

In fact, get them used to pitching in now or you will find it increasingly difficult to do so as they grow older. Seize this moment.

I get it and we often have evenings that are the same in our house. We have three primary age kids, we both work outside the house (and I often don’t get home until after 7pm), plus a dog that needs walking.

The main things that jump out at me though are:

• during the week, the kids eat early, before us
• it’s rare we have things that can’t go in the dishwasher. We use an air fryer for lots of stuff, so it’s just the silicone trays that go in the dishwasher
• we have a cleaner so I wipe down the kitchen sides each night and that’s about it
• we have a nanny who does packed lunches and school bags but appreciate this isn’t standard! Would your kids have school dinners?

I used to be the same so I changed my routine. I get up an hour earlier than my DC so I can get a wash load on and then on the radiators, make breakfast and packed lunch, tea is in the slow cooker if I'm at work, then when I get home me and DC eat, bath and bed all by 7 (I finish at 5) I spend 10 minutes washing up, uniform in the wash, a quick tidy and hoover round and I'm done by half 7, then it's time for my bath and TV chill out. The main thing I stopped was full cleans, my house gets tidied properly on my days off, I'm not gonna spend everyday hoovering every room and scrubbing and mopping, as long as its tidy and there's no pots in the sink, it'll wait.
I will also say investing in more things help. My DC has 3 lunchboxes and 3 sets of uniform, meaning I can pre-make 3 days of lunches and wash 3 days of uniform at a time. A couple of hours of prep on a Sunday goes a long way.

@DysmalRadius
I had five DCs all buzzing around while trying to get stuff done. I am NT so maybe that makes a difference, but wrt the constant interruptions:
Child who finished the apple juice would have been asked to write that down on the whiteboard in the kitchen.
Child who wanted something from the cupboard would have been asked to come back when I was finished.
'Helper' would have been told to go and sit under the kitchen table and dry an unbreakable wet frying pan or some plastic items.

I would have expected them all to respect my task, basically. It's not your role to facilitate everyone else's life constantly. At some point, children need to see you as a completely separate human being who has her own tasks to get accomplished, not someone who is their third arm, constantly available.

I don't think the snowman would have been photographed by me, either, at least not right there and then. I might have asked my DCs to make their own paintings or drawings of the snowman experience if I wasn't prepared to get boots and coat on to go out to take a photo.

Start dinner, unload the dishwasher, feed the cat, discuss which movie to watch, eat dinner and watch movie or read, tidy kitchen. Put on a load of laundry around 4 when I get home or DH does it earlier because he works from home. It shouldn’t take hours and hours to get stuff done.