To not understand how people have an evening.

[Littlebittiredoflife]

My children are 8 and 12 and we've not had an evening for basically that long. 8 year old is in bed by half 8 and older one up later but sorts themselves out. We're always washing up, prepping lunches, putting washing on, unloading dishwasher, until at least 10pm at night. I mean at least one of us is (obviously not me tonight as I'm writing this). I saw someone who said they watch TV together then one of them goes and reads and the other plays video games- are they getting in bed at midnight? Obviously when they were younger and needed more help with sleep and eating I accepted we wouldn't have much time to ourselves, either together or apart but we still don't seem to be getting any.

Also I'm aware we do have an evening but it seems to be spent on routine and never pleasure!

I thought this and also what has got so messy in their rooms when they've been at school all day?!
Mine get up, get washed and dressed, come down for breakfast, I do the younger ones hair and she watches tv for like 10 mins before we leave.
My eldest goes back up to her room to do her "skin care" 😂🙈 and even then her room is still tidy...
If they are playing at night and making a mess they should tidy up before bed 🤷‍♀️

Crazy to say you "earn a fortune" but that dont see any benefit from it in terms of fun or life outside of work?! Madness

What are your work hours to enable you to eat at 5pm?

Would it be possible for you to prioritise some time for yourself? Perhaps for an out-of-the-house hobby one or two evenings? Or at least something which you do rather than just watching TV (which often falls into the 'I didn't do anything' camp, versus say painting or embroidery or practicing an instrument).

It sounds, to me, like you do have time, you're just filling it with little, unsatisfying jobs which could be done differently, or at different time. Prepping lunches, sorting the dishwasher and doing washing are all jobs that the entire family could be chipping in with (probably a bit earlier in the evening). Could lunches be prepped whilst dinner is cooking? Could one child collect and sort the washing, and put it into the machine so you're just got to do the settings, whilst the other does the dishwasher, before they start getting ready for bed? Could you commit to one day a week being an easy freezer dinner, and then you get some time for some family time instead of cooking and washing up? If you WFH, could the washing be sorted into loads the evening before, by the kids, and then whilst getting tea, lunch etc you can swap it over?
It's so easy to get caught in the monotony of the everyday that we forget to look for ways to make things easier for ourselves sometimes!

Same - by the time we’ve done homework, dinner, cleared up, hoovered, washed anything that needs to be washed up, folded washing, ironing, sorted everything for the next day, shower or bath, i’d be sitting down to watch tv about 10.30 so i’d rather go to bed! And im lucky enough to have a day off in the week (do housework the whole day as i’d rather clean the house whilst the kids are at school than spend most of the weekend doing it).

We do make sure we do lots of nice things at the weekend so im not too bothered about losing my evenings in the week to jobs as i’d rather have quality family time at the weekend (obviously still have to do lots of washing etc!). If working families are not doing jobs in the evening (and dont have cleaners as the majority dont), I can only imagine they are spending the weekend catching up.

It's a good idea to get out of the house. I could tidy forever, but I started running last year and I feel like 30 minutes on the treadmill or outside where I cannot do chores and get to listen to a podcast makes me feel so much more in control of my life.

We also have cinema passes so DH and I take turns and then discuss the film!

exactly this! A class booked at 8pm, meaning you say 'no matter what, I'm leaving the house at 7:30pm. Any jobs not done can wait til tomorrow' can work wonders, even if it means the washing up doesn't get done til the next evening! Or the Hoovering is just a quick push round, not a do all the edges with the little tools!

10 years ago for me now but this was our routine ; Kids and me through the door at 5pm, either feed DC imeadiately then home work at Kitchen table while I cooked adult dinner or quick snack then the same, all sat down to eat at 7pm done by 7:30 - DC go up and get ready while adults clear table and set dishwasher going. DC2 (8) in bed for story and cuddle for lights out 8pm, then both adults can chill 12yo gives up phone @ 9pm. All up at 6 mind you lunches made in the morning.

Same here. I’m the only adult with the kids which makes a difference, but most of my friends say the same. By the time I’ve finished work, seen to the pets, cooked dinner (almost always cook from scratch), watched a bit of tv with the kids, read story, helped with homework, tidied up, cleared up the kitchen and washed up, done some admin, hung out a load of washing, folded up the dry washing and put it away, done some personal admin and done the Pilates that I have to do each day to stop my back from packing in, it’s bedtime. I rarely sit down to watch tv during the week (though I do watch a bit with the kids after dinner).

You do laundry, admin and pilates every night?

I do have other things to wash that don't go in the dishwasher but it's like, two pans and it's takes five minutes. I don't think a single dishwasher load has ever taken us more than fifteen minutes to load and wash up, and at the higher end would be when I did Christmas dinner for eight people.

It seems to me from reading all the OPs posts that they are basically a family of slow faffers . We have a sizeable 4 bed detached , have a cordless vacuum on each floor and I can easily vacuum the whole place in 15 minutes , and that is taking my time . Either the OPs house is filthy or she is just too slow . Frankly OP you need to do the bare minimum in the evenings and vacuum / do the bulk of the washing at the weekend when you have more time and speed up on the washing up .

At those ages my children would be helping with the majority of tidying and cleaning.

I don't understand the martyrdom approach of doing everything until kids turn 16-18.

Laundry most nights, probably not every single night to be fair - I have teens and they’re smelly! I’m responsible for admin for the kids, myself/house and my elderly parents so I try to do a small chunk on each weeknight and have a bit more time off it at the weekend. I have to do pilates almost every day or I risk my back going, which would mean everything grinds to a halt and I struggle to earn money (I’m self-employed). So it’s better to put the time in to prevent it happening in the first place. I do like a tidy house too so that affects it as well.

@Outside9

because you’re the mother and they are the children! Children! They didn’t ask to be born. It shouldn’t stop when they turn 18 either, you don’t magically stop being a parent when they turn 18

What were you doing while dh was cooking dinner?

@Redpeach

People are supposed to exercise every day.

Yes i agree and I live abroad, we wouldnt have been able to enjoy life if we had stayed, even without a family. Everything just mounts up so much. I guess thats the point, it feels like there's less fun and frivolity, fewer holidays and constant costs. Im sorry that the support services are so dire, its not fair. Children shouldn't be victims of the shitty politics and rationing and it impacts on everyone. I hope it improves 🌻

I only have a 3 year old but once she’s in bed I am done for the day. Without my evenings I would go mad. Do everything else you need to whilst they are still up. Make them help.

I use the slow cooker a couple of times a week usually. Frozen ready prepped ingredients are healthy and really convenient. Plus healthier often as the goodness is kept by freezing.

So for example for beef casserole I'd bung in fresh diced beef, but with frozen casserole veg (the one i use has stuff like sliced carrot, onion, swede etc). Add tinned tomatoes and some flavourings (herbs, stock cube). Stir and job done. Takes 2 mins max.

I use a lot of frozen base mix (chopped onion, carrot and celery), frozen onion, frozen chopped peppers, frozen garlic and ginger, frozen herbs etc. Although I'm not keen on some frozen ingredients e.g. brocolli and cauliflower.

I know the OP hasn't mentioned having (or wanting a show home) - it's just every time these type of posts come up, posters pile on about there being no need to spend time cleaning, ironing, cooking, chores, etc. And that if you do this, you are wasting your life or not focusing on the right things.

I was trying to be supportive of the OP by saying that she isn't alone in not having much free time of an evening - and to try and not worry that everyone is saying she should have so much more free time than she does.

I think there a lot of different factors that need to be taken into account when determining the level of free time one "should" have. Number and personality of children, how many extracurricular activities they do, what her and her partner's job is, commuting times, animals, dietary needs, house size/type, medical issues, wider family commitments, etc.

I am incredibly organised and efficient but have little time of an evening. I also have an intense job working out-of-hours which requires me to undergo revalidation and continuing education (as does my DH), children who have extracurricular sports four nights a week, who generate large amounts of laundry from the sports, a dyslexic child, several serious illnesses in the family and I really like a clean, tidy house, aim to have homemade dinners 5 nights a week and want the clothes to be ironed.

I've spent a lot of time over the years thinking I'm doing things "wrong" or just slow and inefficient because people have more free time than me. I'm not - I just have a lot going on and choose to prioritize different things.

Relaxing with kids and/or partner is higher on my list of priorities than a pristine house

My parenting style is building independence and self-sufficiency into my children as early as possible. That's parenting, not abandoning parental duties.

I think the reason people are telling the OP that she’s slow and inefficient is because she said it took her an hour to hoover a 3 bed house!