To not understand how people have an evening.

[Littlebittiredoflife]

My children are 8 and 12 and we've not had an evening for basically that long. 8 year old is in bed by half 8 and older one up later but sorts themselves out. We're always washing up, prepping lunches, putting washing on, unloading dishwasher, until at least 10pm at night. I mean at least one of us is (obviously not me tonight as I'm writing this). I saw someone who said they watch TV together then one of them goes and reads and the other plays video games- are they getting in bed at midnight? Obviously when they were younger and needed more help with sleep and eating I accepted we wouldn't have much time to ourselves, either together or apart but we still don't seem to be getting any.

Also I'm aware we do have an evening but it seems to be spent on routine and never pleasure!

I have an 8 year old and a 3 year old so a different set up to your needs but you could adapt. Either DH or I bring the children home from school around 4 (the other is still at work). The children do any homework or play. DS1 (8) lays the table and does water for everyone. He also unpacks his own bag/lunch box. I empty DS2s lunchbox and then play with the children or if DH is working from home take the dogs for a walk. Usually I start cooking at 5 and we have dinner at 5:30. If the other parent is home they will join. Sometimes (3 nights per week) we have hobbies for older DS or for us that we need to head out for, cubs, martial arts, dog training so this means everyone is fed before this.

I do the washing up while cooking for anything that won’t fit in the dishwasher. DS1 unloads it in the morning before school and we stack dirty plates etc as we use them. Pans used for cooking dinner are washed up after dinner and left to dry in the rack. DS2 goes up to bed at 6:45 and DS1 at 7:30. I do a quick hoover of the lounge and make their lunches for the next day. Usually done by 8.

It sounds like you spend a lot of time faffing about.

Unload the dishwasher whilst you're cooking dinner, reload it straight after dinner, put 12 yo in charge of making packed lunches for herself and 8yo. 8yo can help with loading and unloading dishwasher or put a load of laundry on if it really needs doing midweek.

Try using a slow cooker. Can make stews, curries, sausage casseroles- endless possibilities. Also think children possibly eating too late so too tired to eat.

I think you're getting a lot of stick here. My husband and I go to bed about half 11-midnight. We both work long hours and tend to get home at different times (I have a 45 minute commute, which means I also leave early in the morning) and by the time kids are picked up from childcare at 6, got them home and fed with some sandwiches or leftovers and got them in bed it's about half 7. One of us cooks our dinner while the other does bedtime, but we often don't eat until half 8-9pm. So we do chores after that, usually sat down by 10pm and then watch an hour or so of TV before bed.
We are both always tired.

My phrase for this is “you are being a busy fool”. By that I mean wasting time, faffing, doing things in a disorganised way. Being busy for the sake of it. Get some discipline and organise yourself.

I’m the same, OP.

Loads of people will say you’re choosing not to have an evening, being a martyr, you don’t a “show-home”, etc.

The thing is - I do WANT a clean home, healthy meals and to be involved in my children’s education. So, I guess I’ve compromised that most of my time out of work will be spent on taking care of things.

It does get easier (mine are 11 & 15) and they do a lot of getting their stuff ready themselves now. And the less they need you, the more you can do things efficiently and save time. So I probably have one evening that’s free.

and I also claw back time for myself by staying up late doomscrolling!

Good god I would be a mess if I went to bed that late every night. Once or twice a week is fine possibly. I’m in bed for 9:30/9:45 and asleep by 10:00. Awake at 6:00/6:15.

what time do you get up at in the morning?

But it’s possible to do all of this and have an evening. My home is always very tidy, clean and organised. I cook from scratch also. Last night I watched two episodes of my series 😂 and I was in bed for 9:30

washing up, prepping lunches, putting washing on, unloading dishwasher

I have similar aged DC. DC1 is in charge of hoover, DC2 mopping. DC1 loads dishwasher and DC2 unloads. One feeds dogs, the other one cat and hamster. They each prep their own lunches and snacks. I am still doing laundry, but they sort and put away their own stuff. Each is also in charge of cooking for the family once per week.

DS does homework whilst I cook. DH feeds the cats and does the bins.

Eat and DH does the dishwasher.

If there’s a club or whatever one of us takes DS and the other throws the hoover around, or we both take him and use the time to go to the gym.

DS goes to bed at 8 or when we get in on club days and everything is done. I put a wash on just before bed and put in on the airer the next morning. Unload the dishwasher whilst waiting for kettle and toaster in the morning.

Usually do lunches in the morning but if making them the night before then I do them whilst cooking.

Wow. Respect

The op hasn’t mentioned a show home nor doing housework of an evening. I agree with other posters that there is probably a lot of faffing. Also, at 8 and 12 the ops dc should definitely be involved in the evenings and making sure everything is done.

My house is clean and tidy, home cooked meals (from scratch) 5/7 nights and I still get an evening.

Last night I helped ds3 with some homework he had struggled with and helped ds2 with his application to 6th form plus he asked me my advice on his gcse revision cards so I do care about my dc education too so please don’t imply that those parents who ensure they have an evening don’t have the same standards as you.

Op - tonight it would be interesting for you to keep a note of everything you (and your dp and dc) do once home. Not to share on here but to be able to look in black and white at what is taking up so much time and see what you could change to be more efficient so that you get an evening? You could even set your phone up in the kitchen to record a typical evening. I bet you lots of little things that could easily be changed are mounting up which makes you have such a late night with no chilling out

I really struggle with motivation so I have quite tight things in place for after work with the dc.

I do this too - as I'm cooking I wash up pan 1 while pan 2 is boiling, pan 2 while tray 3 is in the oven (and we use silicone mats to stop them getting too dirty).

I personally find it perfectly possible to finish clearing up/washing up after tea (and any related kitchen/dining clearing up) and then sit down by 9 at the latest (if I'm doing something with a DC before they go to bed). DH doesn't do it then, he does it after we've finished watching but I don't help him then. If he wants to be inefficient that's his problem.

Half 6, I start work at 8am, so to get the 45 min commute in as well I leave the house at 7am. But this means definitely no time for chores before work! Husband gets up a bit later, he usually empties dishwasher while kids are eating breakfast and does a quick wipe round the kitchen, might pop a wash on, but when we aren't all home until 6pm or later, I can totally get why people don't have much of an evening. This is also why I don't work full time - on the days I don't work I do chores and eat earlier with the kids and my toddler doesn't go to childcare so I can be more of a fun mum (oldest is school age).

I don't understand how people aren't washing up

I don't own a dishwasher (3 DC, 2 cats) and it doesn't take me anywhere near as long as the OP to do the chores she lists, including packed lunches.

No way would I ever be hoovering in in the evening though, that is a weekend job for my 13yo (although with cats I go over the main carpeted living areas daily but that takes 15 mins!)

I think some people are giving you hard time for no reason. We all like to do different chores to different standards and some of us are slower and some quicker.
Like someone on here said it takes to hoover the whole house top to bottom mins. That doesnt sound like it can be done properly to me.
Also lot of people say they would leave their child alone at the table, that would not be acceptable to some people.
Please dont feel like you are not at good or not as able as some of the posters are trying to say.

I empathise, OP. We’re none of us machines so sometimes things do take longer than expected, especially if you have kids who have particular needs to make sure they’re eating well, staying organised etc. But I think there are some practical things you could try which would help ease the burden and allow you “systematise” things a bit more, and therefore lessen the load. Sorry if repeating PPs - I’ve read some of the thread but not all of it.

Thoughts:
. Go to Ikea or similar and buy some dishwasher safe plates, cutlery and baking trays. Eliminate the handwashing of dishes (save the hand painted plates etc for days when you have more time)
. Clear as you cook - put ingredients away as they’re used, and if your dishwasher is empty and open, it takes seconds to put the pans in once you’ve dished up. Dinner doesn’t go cold in that time. Then you’ve just got plates and cutlery to put in once everyone has finished eating.
. You mentioned following recipes which indicates that you’re making new things all the time. IME nobody minds repetition- I probably cook about 10-15 different dinners on rotation, and know how to cook them so there’s no consulting of recipe books.
. make sure your kitchen is arranged so that it’s really quick to empty the dishwasher - use the cupboards and drawers closest to the dishwasher for most things that need to be put away. I can pretty much swivel on the spot next to our dishwasher, to put 80% of things away, then I just have to walk a couple of steps to put pans away. This does genuinely make it a 5 minute job
. follow The Organised Mum method (or similar) to break down tasks into different days and minimise the amount of time you spend on cleaning tasks. If you struggle to stick to times (eg get distracted or feel things have to be perfect before you can stop), also try the TOM rocks podcasts (small monthly fee) - you clean along with them and they’re great to help you get the while house clean (to a “good enough” standard) in 30 minutes per day.
. folllow The Batch Lady For batch cooking ideas which go beyond mince. I don’t always love her recipes but the principles and ideas are all really helpful
. Enjoy the time you spend at the dinner table with your DCs and recognise that (as a PP said), that IS part of your evening. You’re making a conscious choice to spend that time with them, and that will diminish as they get older and they start spending their evenings more independently, so enjoy it while you have it.

Why does it take 1.5 hours to hoover, clean out a fireplace (max 15 minutes, surely?) and wipe the kitchen floor (5 minutes?)?
You are faffing, as everyone says. Kids empty school bags. Make packed lunches when you get home and kids can help whilst having snack. Instead of hoovering put dinner on so it is ready when DH gets home (he could cook at week-ends or you could both batch cook so dinner comes out of the freezer into fridge in the morning read to put in oven when you get home i.e. lasagne, curry etc).
Dishwasher can be loaded while DC finish dinner (and it's only 7-ish now) and get themselves ready for bed. Washing takes 5 minutes to put in machine, surely? Both can be emptied in the morning whilst breakfast is happening? Or load washing machine and put it on before leaving house in the morning, or buy one with a delay timer?
You are spending hours doing chores that take 5 minutes. Stop prioritising them and sit down.

I don't know if by any offchance it was me who said we watch TV and then read/video games - but that is exactly what we do. And yes, we DO go to bed at gone midnight. Often we're still awake at 3 and we just cope on a small amount of sleep. Not always ideal, but I value my time more than my sleep haha.

The other reason I really like my slow cooker is that while it’s obviously a slower way to cook it’s very much ‘set it up and forget about it while you do other things’. For example we had a load of apples (seriously loads of the bloody things) so I spent half an hour peeling, coring and chopping them all, some went into the freezer just like that for using in pies and crumbles, the rest went into the slow cooker with a couple of tablespoons of this kerrygold flavoured butter and a teaspoon of cornflour on low. I left it for a couple of hours while we went out and did something else and came home to a vat of apple compote to use as a quick dessert with custard or on top of porridge for breakfast. So saving time on future days.

https://www.tesco.com/groceries/en-GB/products/320974446

Other days I oil and salt a load of baking potatoes and stick them in there on low, can leave them for 6- 8 hrs and they’ll be perfectly soft in the middle and just need 15 minutes in a hot oven to get a crispy skin. They can be frozen and taken out one morning to defrost for dinner so perfect for a quick future comfort meal. Or scoop and mash the innards and freeze that so you have frozen mash that can just be microwaved from frozen and used as a side one night.

Why are you hoovering the whole house every day or even more than once it a week? It cannot need it so often.

Totally agree. Mine are up till about 9pm but then there is all the clean up and prepping, and also all the life admin to do as well!
The result of this for us is that we go to bed about midnight, as evening starts around 10/10.30pm.....I am trying to change it by going to bed earlier (my new year's resolution), but it is hard to make it happen exactly for the reason you said.

I don’t love this criticism of ‘inefficiency’ or ‘faffing’ - this stuff comes more readily to some people
than others, whose strengths might lie in other areas. But I can see that some tips can be helpful and I agree with a PP that a cordless hoover (we have a Hettie) can be a gamechanger. And although I try and avoid using the tumble dryer for environmental reasons I am increasingly doing so for socks and pants as hanging all this stuff out is soul-destroying and that compromise has helped.

But also on laundry, I note no one is mentioning the time it takes to put washing away and iron where necessary. I don’t love using the quick wash function more than necessary and there is no way we’d manage to get all our laundry done on one day at the weekend if everyone (family of 4) wants clean bedding and towels on a regular basis, never mind clothes. Some of the ‘systems’ above also seem to depend on running appliances while asleep or out - I do do that with the washing machine and dishwasher when I have to but it’s best avoided from a fire safety perspective (tumble dryer is an obvious no no).

Just to clarify our routine (children 14, 12, 10) - husband and I both work FT in quite senior roles and I have 1hr commute. I come in around 7pm (him around 6pm), and at least one of children have got sports clubs most evening. So one of us will go round collecting child/ren from clubs, whilst the other makes dinner. We sit down to dinner together about 8pm, then after that there is still an hours worth of time chatting to the children or reviewing parts of their homework (eg helping to test them on something they have learnt etc). Hence they are in bed by 9/ 9.30pm, and only then can we start with everything else which has to be done.
At weekends, we prioritise exercise and especially time with the children.

I do my two loads in a Saturday morning and this time of the year they go in the dryer. I will fold everything that I don’t iron and give them to the relevant person to put away in their bedroom etc. The ironing is done at some point on sat evening or Sunday morning while I watch tv or something. Whichever is least busy. And again given to each person to put away. Family of 4.