To not understand how people have an evening.

[Littlebittiredoflife]

My children are 8 and 12 and we've not had an evening for basically that long. 8 year old is in bed by half 8 and older one up later but sorts themselves out. We're always washing up, prepping lunches, putting washing on, unloading dishwasher, until at least 10pm at night. I mean at least one of us is (obviously not me tonight as I'm writing this). I saw someone who said they watch TV together then one of them goes and reads and the other plays video games- are they getting in bed at midnight? Obviously when they were younger and needed more help with sleep and eating I accepted we wouldn't have much time to ourselves, either together or apart but we still don't seem to be getting any.

Also I'm aware we do have an evening but it seems to be spent on routine and never pleasure!

I have no idea OP and if anyone has suggestions for me I'm happy to hear them! Three kids age 7, 5, 1. Husband not home until 8 from work. We get home from clubs at 5.30, eat at 6. Bath at 7 then stories etc. big ones in bed by 7.30 then I go feed baby and rock her to sleep. I'm out usually around 8.30pm.

Husband will have had dinner and fed the dog. We then tidy up the toys/ club paraphernalia/ books. Wash up and load dishwasher, fold the laundry, tidy the surfaces. Sort out uniform and clothes/ club stuff for the next day. Baby will wake once or twice in this time to be settled.

I go to bed at 11 having not stopped and husband can be up until 1am tidying/ sorting stuff out.

We are drowning!

I think because you are identifying this as an issue you should work on how to streamline. Batch cooking is a brilliant time saver - we only really cook 2/3 times a week and have leftovers - so my husband (I don't cook) usually cooks Mondays and Tuesdays and we are sorted for Wednesday and Thursday. I sometimes throw together some pasta or similar on a Friday and then he cooks one weekend night and we usually are out / takeaway / random leftovers the other. That also saves loads of time an effort on dishes. We clean the entire house as a family on weekend morning - my daughter does the bathrooms, my son does the dusting, my husband hoovers and I tidy up / catch up on laundry / check all the dusting and re-do half of it / etc.

Laundry I pop on in the morning so I can put things in the dryer in the evening.

And the kids faffing around... that's a parenting choice really. You definitely don't need to sit around staring at a slowly eating child. Appreciate the health concerns but surely you don't all have to watch him for a half hour. Nor should you have to chivvy along a mostly grown child to get ready for bed.

My kids are 9/13 and have clubs almost every night and I still have at least 1-2 hours a night where no one needs anything. Unless I'm having a particularly busy week or am really behind on laundry or something 9-11pm is not for anything productive.

yesterday I got home from work at 5:40pm. Started cooking. DH got home at 6. Food was ready about 6:30pm. We all ate and chatted. done by 7:15
DS2 emptied the dishwasher and the other two cleared the table. DS2 then refilled the dishwasher. DH cleaned up the kitchen up and did the baking trays/ pots that wouldnt fit in the dishwasher. Floor would have been swept too.
Meanwhile I was helping DD with her ear drops and chucking a load of washing on.
no other housework needed as did it on the weekend when I took all the decorations down.
All in all we were sat down at 8pm to watch some TV.

We generally eat about 6-6:30pm. My kids are all secondary age so they, especially DD will often cook in the week too so can come home from work and find someone has started dinner.
We are also lucky that DH WFH most of the week and I work 5 min away so generally we are both home / free from 5:30pm. We then spend the next couple of hours doing bits and pieces / cooking / dishes etc so by 8pm we can sit down.

Obviously we no longer have bath and bed time for the kids but when we did, one of us would do baths after tea and the other would do the kitchen/dishes.

OP do you have a cordless vacuum cleaner? I used to spend ages hoovering when I had a plug in one…£200 on a cordless hoover completely changed this, I can whiz round in a few minutes.

I was sooo lazy compared to you lot !

Children of that age unload the dishwasher, load the dishwasher add the detergent and turn it on. If they can see over table height, they're old enough! As a child we each had to hand wash our own plates plus 1 pan or serving dish as soon as we were old enough to kneel on a chair and do it! Dishwashing by machine nowadays is easy!!
Here children also sorted washing and load washing machine and turn it on. Hang it out or whatever too. Otherwise they have no clean clothes...Do their own lunch boxes - the stuff is in the fridge means they can do it. Are responsible for their own homework - we are happy to be read to, check homework etc Are responsible for tidying up their stuff from communal space (even as now adults we do have disagreements, but they know!) and also for making sure they have the correct uniform/ PE gear/music stuff or whatever ready for the next day.
Food prep is another thing, we tended to have specific days for sous chef to start with, in time that led to specific days for total control of menu and meal. In that if that's your favourite you can cook it!

Teach them how, and delegate, once they have learned the consequences of not keeping up, they just do it and it makes for an easy/easier life as well as prepares them for the real world..

My DC are all adults now, but when they were younger and I was a single parent, I prioritised time with them in the evenings rather than doing housework or cooking in the evenings. We had a cleaner once a week and I did very little cleaning in between her visits. I didn’t cook from scratch (an unpopular choice on Mumsnet 😊) and used sauces from jars etc to make meal preparation quick and easy. My DC had school lunches and their school bags would be sorted out for the next day as soon as they arrived home, so that no homework or letters from school were missed. I always had an evening with my children and a few hours to myself once they went to bed. Being blunt about it, if you want an evening you need to cut corners and make relaxation your priority.

The trick is to do it less well, I only do the edges about once a month and the rest of the time hoovering my 4 bed house only takes me half an hour tops including having to move all the crap someone has inevitably left on the floor. Saying that I have just bought a robot vacuum to save time.
Are you working full-time out of the house? I WFH and do a lot of jobs like laundry (shove load on before work, put in tumble dryer (on on line when it's not winter) at lunch time and put away after work) and emptying the dishwasher around WFH. Dishwasher is really easy to empty while you wait for the kettle to boil. When I actually had to go to the office it was harder but I tended to just do the basics in the evening and blitz the rest on my days off or the weekends.
We usually manage an hour or so to watch tv in the evening, but that's mostly because we don't eat until 7 when DH gets home from work(10 year old eats at her childminder as that's too late for her) and the 13 year old now doesn't go to bed until 9 (or later if he has a club).

I put everything in the dishwasher. If it can’t survive the dw it has no place in my house. Who the heck’s using hand painted plates for dinner.

Slow eaters are hard to manage! I think after 20min it's ok to say right I'll chat to you as I wash up, etc.

I empty the dishwasher while I'm cooking as that's what works for me. As dc ate getting older with later bed times in having less of an evening, but on week nights I have a firm rule that I go back downstairs by 8.30 so I can have time to myself. At 8 and 12 they need to understand that. I won't do any jobs after that.

Pack lunches are made as soon as I come in before dinner. Have 2 lunch boxes so one goes on wash while other is prepped.

Washing is also put on in morning and hung on radiator/drier when I get home.

Dinner is no more than 20min to make. I won't make anything complicated. And the less pans etc the better.

My old one didn't need to be - and burned better when it had a bed of ash. My new one really does.

I don't understand how people aren't washing up, with have non dishwasher proof water bottler pan, oven trays that are too dirty for dishwasher, hand painted plates etc there's always something!

Stop using hand painted plates for a start. Switch to all items that go in the dishwasher. If your tray is too dirty for the dishwasher start using foil or baking paper on the bottom so the tray isn't as dirty. The amount we wash by hand is tiny.

Can you hoover half the house one day and half another day such as a Saturday morning?

You need to build into your routine some more wriggle room at least a couple of nights.
What happens when it's parent teacher night, an emergency trip to help a parent, someone unexpectedly drops in?

For starters, I'd make sure your 7 y/o and 5y/o tidy away their toys and books before bed.
Also pairing up how much clothes you have cuts down on laundry. I don't know why as it doesn't make any logical sense but it just does.
Just generally cutting back on clutter helps with tidying a lot. I can do a 3 bed house in under 30 minutes as there is no "sorting". Just dust, hoover and do the toilet.

If you're only hoovering once a week, why is that not a weekend job?

mine are younger but once they are in bed - 7ish all i need to do is put away any last minute toys they had out and run the hoover over.

We make lunches at the same time as making dinner, a load of washing takes 2 seconds to put on and no more than 15 mins to hang on the airer. Clean the kitchen and do the dishes while cooking and straight after dinner too.

I'm not one to give myself more work than necessary, so you won't catch me ironing or scrubbing the skirting boards every evening!

I feel you may just need to work a bit more efficiently, and both of your children are old enough to pitch in, hanging washing or making their own lunches.

I don't have a dishwasher so wash everything by hand and it's not taking me anywhere near as long as OP says to wash it all. And I cook from scratch (although I do batch) and I use a LOT of pots!

I think there's an element of faffiness/perfectionism happening here.

At 8 and 12 why aren’t your dc doing their own lunches?
Washing up can take time - I get that, have you room for a dishwasher? 🙈 I hesitate to suggest that but I know it has made the biggest difference to my evenings. Dc load and unload it.
Wash goes in at night set to be finished first thing so can hang out before work or wash goes in as soon as home from school/work so ready to hang out by 7ish.

Sorry just seen you have a dishwasher - how much then do you need to wash up?

I’ll be honest I am struggling to see why you don’t have an evening? Everything you have said really shouldn’t take until 10pm.

I don't get much evening with DP.
Sometimes I like it like that though.

I lay with my DD (7) while she falls to sleep, we listen to affirmations together while she's falling into her slumber. I try to start bedtime between 7 and 7:30pm but recently it's been a little later more closer to 8pm.
Sometimes I leave the room at 8:30/8:45pm and then I make my son's hot water bottle and he might faff around for a bit (ADHD/ASD and a huge dislike for his school). He goes to sleep around 9/9:15pm.
I'll either go for a smoke or wash up and then the other after. Boom it's 10pm.

I might sit with DP for twenty to thirty minutes or so and then it's the bedtime routine which can take me only god knows how long each night.
It can be half hour, forty minutes because I get distracted by everything and then I do this thing where I'm almost ready to get into bed but I faff by the side of it and go over the things I need to have done by the time I get into bed to make sure I haven't forgotten anything. I also have ADHD and it's just something I do much to DP amusement.

You are very inefficient in the actual way you do things. I am hugely efficient as was my Mother I had no idea how inefficient people could be till I met MIL. Watching her makes my teeth itch as she is so painfully slow and overdoes everything.

It means you will spend huge amounts of your life doing domestic stuff, you get one life op and the years fly by. There is a specific number of hours we have done everything in our lives when our lives end, no one knows their numbers but looking at the way you process your housework I can say with confidence mine will be half yours.

Use your hand painted plates at the weekend get some that can be chucked in the dishwasher. Spot clean clothes, small amount of food on a top? just spot clean if it comes off then it is fine. I made the packed lunches as I was cooking dinner. The children should be doing stuff as well, my DS had to do all his own washing from 13. His job was unpacking the dishwasher and packing it for pocket money from 9.

The washing up as you go for the undishwashable pots and pans is 👌🏼

OP it takes less than a minute to put your pan under some hot water, stick a squeeze of fairy up liquid in it to start the process and clean it whenever you have a quick 10-30 seconds.
It really helps me

I think that family dinners are incredible important. That sitting and talking about the day matters. I would not be jumping up to start washing up etc while family are sitting and eating.
Please don't give in to those saying cut dinner short.

The thing that stands out from your post compared to when my kids were little is that you are home at 4, but don't eat until after 7, and don't finish until after 8. I assumed when I first saw your post that you were arriving home at 6.
That (late meal) and that alone is what means you have no evening.

When I was home at 4, and dh home at 6:30, dinner was on the table ready to eat at 6:30, and lunches/dishwasher/laundry etc has been done.
If your dh is the main cook, then he cooks at the weekend, and makes one/two meals in advance for during the week. It is unrealistic to arrive home at 6:30 and start cooking with young children.

OR you do everything the other way round. Assuming you are eating at 7, then before dinner, in that slot from 5-7 when kids are playing etc, you empty dishwasher (make this 8 year olds job?), clear away dry washing up, prep lunches, fold laundry etc.
So the only thing to do after dinner is pack dishwasher (10 minutes max) which could easily be 12 year olds job, and then do the washing up.
You cleaned the house in that slot today, but that doesn't need doing every day, so most days you can crack on with this stuff.

Also a bit of multi tasking - make lunches while doing dinner. Unpack dishwasher while kids are eating breakfast, put away last nights washing up while kids eat after school snakc etc.

Sorry if ive missed stuff ive not had time to read all the other pages but by the sounds of it there 2 children and 2 adults....why is there so much washing up?!
When i was a single parent on my own with two children I was still sitting down at 8ish after getting everything done, now my DP is around its even earlier.
I think they key is eating earlier, we always eat at 5pm (unless a kids club is on).
My youngest goes to bed at 7 (is now 6 but has done since she was 12 months old)
My 12 year old gets ready for bed at 8 (screens stop at 8) then reads or crafts til 8 30 then she goes to bed.
My 12 year old does her homework as soon as she comes in from school as it takes longer. I stopped helping her or supervising her in y5 as its her school work and responsibility, if she doesn't know how to do it then the teacher needs to be made aware, my youngest does her spellings and times tables rockstar with me after tea so 5.30ish at the table while I wash up/clean the kitchen.
6pm ish we all spend half an hour doing something together, a board game, colouring, craft or on the switch ps5, 6.30 my 6 year old gets ready for bed then we read.
I give myself from 7pm to 8pm to do jobs but honestly there isn't that many. Takes 5 mins to clean a bathroom. I hoover kitchen hall and lounge in 10 mins. Save the big hoovering for weekend. I do all our washing on a Fri, sat, sun and monday.
Sunday is strictly no jobs day. We do something fun as a family.
Something that has helped me massively in the last 2 years is a massive declutter so there is virtually no time wasted tidying before cleaning. Everything has its place, and the kids are very tidy too. So I could literally clean the whole house including hoover and mop in 1.5 hours as im not tidying. Its a 3 bed by the way so not massive but not tiny.

I am just getting myself ready for work while the kids have breakfast and helping the 3yo dress and brushing her teeth and hair etc, and loudly reminding the older ones of the things they need to do approx 10 times per item, not doing extra household chores. We are basically madly sprinting out of the house a bit late every day as it is. I think lots of kids must just be much easier than mine…

I get at home at approximately 5pm - straight away get dinner on (if adult daughter hasn’t started it as she finishes before me) My dc 15 and 11 have already got changed and put school clothes in laundry/set ready for next day, emptied lunch boxes and put in dishwasher (emptying dishwasher first if needed) and homework done. Dinner is generally 6-630 - 1 dc sets the table and the other is waiter whilst I serve up. After dinner the ‘waiter’ dc clears the table and wiped it down whilst the other dc loads the dishwasher. I then tidy the sides, wash up the odd thing that may need it (rare) and sweep the kitchen floor (quickly mopping it if needed) Wash goes in - set to finish the following morning for me to hang out at 6amish. And we are pretty much done by 1930! Fit in a bit of hoovering in the week. The dc take the bins out every night. That’s an average day for us.

I think the children’s input makes a massive difference. I’ll explain my children and how different their evenings are:

Eldest- gets asked to do his lunch, so he enters the kitchen, washes up his lunchbox stuff from the day before, remakes lunch, puts it all in the fridge, refills his water bottle and places it in his bag and he’s done. The rest of the evening is his to enjoy. It took a total of 10 minutes and it’s saved me having to do it. He’ll potentially even do my lunchbox washing up for me too.

Youngest- gets asked to do his lunch. We explain he’ll need to wash up his lunchbox stuff to have the relevant containers. Can’t find lunchbox. Insists he put it in his bag. Goes to make lunch anyway. Has a hissy fit because he can’t find containers (and he needs many as foods can’t touch, won’t eat sandwiches etc). Realises he needs lunchbox so goes to find it from random place he’d put it. Has a hissy fit because he has to wash up lunchbox. Forgets he’s making lunch and walks off to read a book. Is called back to make lunch, but now needs the toilet. Eventually comes back to make lunch. Washes up lunchbox stuff but takes 20 minutes because the water’s warm and nice to have his hands in. Dries up containers for next day’s lunch. Starts to get food out of the fridge. Forgets he’s making lunch and wonders off to the living room, puts the tv on and sits down. Has hissy fit because he’s been reminded it’s not screen time, it’s lunchbox making time. Decides he doesn’t want any of the food available. Can’t tell me what foods he actually would like for lunchboxes. Eventually gets some foods he wants and half preps them. Goes and gets colouring out and is reminded he’s not meant to be doing that now. Goes back to prepping lunch. Finally finishes lunch and has hissy fit because he’s realised he doesn’t want to clear up the mess he’s made. Goes back to playing in soapy water at sink for 20 minutes while repeatedly being told how to do it to get it done quicker. He then has zero free time in the evening and makes our evenings a lot more difficult than they need to be.

As you can probably tell.. youngest is being assessed for adhd. He is very much old enough to make his own lunchbox too. It would be so much easier to just do it for him but he’s at an age where he really needs to learn these simple life skills. But I think it shows that time management/ prioritising etc can be so different for everyone. If your kids are like my eldest then the evenings flow so much easier, if your kids are like my youngest, then I’m open to tips and advice 😅.