To not understand how people have an evening.

[Littlebittiredoflife]

My children are 8 and 12 and we've not had an evening for basically that long. 8 year old is in bed by half 8 and older one up later but sorts themselves out. We're always washing up, prepping lunches, putting washing on, unloading dishwasher, until at least 10pm at night. I mean at least one of us is (obviously not me tonight as I'm writing this). I saw someone who said they watch TV together then one of them goes and reads and the other plays video games- are they getting in bed at midnight? Obviously when they were younger and needed more help with sleep and eating I accepted we wouldn't have much time to ourselves, either together or apart but we still don't seem to be getting any.

Also I'm aware we do have an evening but it seems to be spent on routine and never pleasure!

I think there are a mixture of things at play here:

1. life does change as children get older. You can safely ignore all of the people with under 6’s whose kids are tucked up in bed by 7.30. I had very easy evenings at that age and I don’t get anywhere near as much free time as I did when my children were younger.

2. you do seem to faff. Some people just make a bit of a meal out of basic tasks. Eg an hour and a half for vacuuming feels excessive as do the timings for some of your other tasks. You could probably benefit from setting timers and giving yourself some strict time limits and tasks to do in a specific timeframe.

On faffing, one of my children is quite efficient but messy and one is a faffer but tidy. The efficient one was dressed before I had even got out of bed this morning. The faffer took 40 minutes to put her uniform on while I was tearing my hair out. They both had the same tasks to do but one of them made it much harder work.

You kinda have to sweep the fire out every day - or rather, after every use if you are going to light it again. In the winter, I do our stove most mornings. It takes 10 minutes to clear the ash from the grate and ash tray, clean the glass, relay a new fire (getting new logs in if necessary) ready to light later, and wipe the hearth/stove down with a damp cloth.

It's actually a chore I enjoy doing for some bizarre reason. I think it's knowing I'm laying a gift for myself later - a sit down in front of the fire... If the OP isn't getting the pleasure of this, I can see it's a ballache.

I live in an actual zoo of animals and only hoover once a week. I do sweep the kitchen floor in the morning.

This.

Sounds organised. No need to be doing this stuff until 10 pm. Sticking a wash on takes minutes, the machine does the rest.

Why are you washing up if you have a dishwasher? Load it as you go along during the day, turn it on and empty it in the morning!

I only empty my stove about twice a week and it’s on all the time at the moment. They really don’t need to be emptied every day.

True. Some take 3 times as long to do the same tasks.

My DH is a slow faffy person, inherited from his parents. I can properly clean up our open plan kitchen/lounge in no more than 60-90mins. DH will spend at least twice as long doing a worse job. He doesn't clean as he goes, doesn't put things away as he goes, can't multitask (e.g. when he's cooking, he's stirring the saucepan or watching it the whole time rather than doing jobs in between). Our solution is that he does the kitchen every day. Takes him until midnight some days but that's his choice.

Not rtft but read all OPs updates.

The big things for us are that as pp have said, everything goes in the dishwasher. Only exception is water bottles (learned that the hard way!). We do lots of 1-2 pot meals so everything fits. Our dishwasher has a good drying cycle on eco mode so we unload in the morning and it's all dry.

'Batch cooking' doesn't have to be a massive event. I just make double of what I'm making e.g. Thai curry, spag bol, chilli etc and either eat the second portion the next day or freeze it.

Wash loads I put on in the morning on a timer and unload/hang up while kids are having bath time. But I have one WFH day a week and try and leave it until then if I can.

Lunches we do in the morning. Wild horses wouldn't make me hoover on a weeknight unless there was an actual spillage.

Someone up thread mentioned ironing.

My solution to ironing is not to do it. Just dry the stuff nicely. I will iron for weddings and funerals, mostly funerals these days.

Between the two of you the work should be shared enough that you can have some evening time.
When DH is here one of us cooks, then we all eat together, then one of us does dishwasher/kitchen while other monitors DC getting ready for bed, both of us do bedtime together, then one of us will take care of animals and the other will finish off surfaces in kitchen, put on a load of washing if needed, and done for evening.
When DH is away its a different story. Finishing work, pick up, cooking, bedtime, clean up, washing on, unsettled DC need putting back down, sort animals, and I'm left with about an hour to myself before I need to go to sleep.

I don’t but sounds like the OP might!

Do you have an air fryer? Weeknight meals here are normally something like marinaded chicken, sweet potato/microwave rice and veg. Very quick to prep and cook and hardly any pans to cleans afterwards.
As for the hoovering and floors, either do it faster or do it less, until the kids are older! Then aim to eat a bit earlier and whoever isn't doing bedtime can give the kitchen a quick tidy/make a very quick packed lunch.

As others have said OP, you too slow and you must be faffing around mindlessly to take so long to do these jobs. Set yourself a time limit for tasks and don’t go over it. I could spend an entire Saturday for example cleaning, but I won’t. I set 90 mins and I can get the whole house done. Same size as yours. Speed up and organise yourself.

These evenings are precious. One of the things I loved this Christmas was just lazing on the sofa with my 2 teens (one back from uni) watching a movie together or TV.

We too have a busy household. Everyone needs to help cook, set out the dishes etc, tidy up, put things in the dishwasher, prep food and then everyone can relax. I have a rule that by 8pm I am on the sofa watching telly dishes etc. done or not. Otherwise I won't be relaxed enough to go to bed and sleep well.

I also find that if I get up 1/2 early before I need to get up for work I can get loads done. I can put on a wash, empty dishwasher, load up and get my work lunch ready.

I'd look at changing the order you do things.

Washing goes on as soon as you get home.

Then the evening meal should be the priority. I'd suggest having a couple of alternative meals you can make if you suddenly realise that you are missing a vital ingredient. You can usually find time to empty the dishwasher while cooking and also start prepping school lunches.

Your kids will probably be less tired if you eat earlier.

One person can then clean the kitchen while the other sorts bedtime, folds clothes and any other prep needed for the next day.

If you want meal ideas this is a good website: Quick and Easy - RecipeTin Eats
I would find something you like and make it once a week on a night when you have more time. Then after about a month you should be fairly speedy at it and then you can move it to another night. I also find prepping dinner for the next night while I am finishing off tonights dinner can save time. We have stir fries or marinaded chicken breast a lot. So I can put together the marinade and get meat out of the freezer while I am waiting for the pasta pot to boil for example.

Another good option is a 10 minute tidy where you set an alarm and everyone works together to get as much done as they can before the timer goes. The kids can focus on putting stuff away, you could dust etc. We fold laundry together and chat while we do that. Then everyone puts their own pile away.

Get a robot hoover. I very rarely hoover now and only corners of places robot won't go.

When you are working have simple nutritious meals that are easy prep e.g. salmon in the air fryer with grains (pack from shop with rice, edamame beans etc.) and veg. Or we have sea bass (3 mins each side under grill) with small potatoes done in air fryer with veg.

I use my slow cooker when I am off work and make double, one to eat that night and one in freezer or fridge for a work night. Rice - get the bags you microwave if you don't have time.

I think you faff and things take much longer than they should. Also you could make your life easier by making small adjustments to the routine. Lots have been suggested already.

So tonight I got in at 4pm with DC, emptied bags and had a snack. They tidied their rooms whilst I hoovered, wiped the kitchen floor and swept out the fire. That took about 1.5 hours for me with a small break in between

How long was the small break? The hoovering doesn't need to take that long. Do the edging and the faffy bits under sofa etc. on days when you have more free time. Do a quick run around with the hoover in the main rooms every other day or so. I know you said it was because of taking decorations down, in which case that is an exception so you can't really extrapolate that to being a reason why you don't have an evening every day. Do the minimum hoovering in the evenings.

So finished around 6pm. DH got home at 6:30pm and cooked dinner, he had to pick up food on way home as was missing vital ingredient, I think it was ready about 7:15pm
What was DH doing between 6.30pm and 7.15pm? He could have been doing some of the other tasks such as doing the laundry or getting the packed lunch ready.
Also you had half an hour between the hoovering and starting to cook dinner so that meant you had half an hour of "evening time" then. Add that to the "small break" while hoovering and you've already had 45 minutes free time.

Eating dinner takes the kids ages so they finished eating at 8ish. Younger one needs help/supervision to get ready for bed so DH did that whilst I made lunches with the 12 year old. Finished all that about half 8

Having a family dinner counts as evening time. No one is working or doing chores and everyone's sitting around chatting.

Then unload dishwasher (we don't seem to have time in morning) dry up and wash up, sort and put load of washing on. Took at least 1.5 hours for one person. Have to wash up as it won't all fit in and non stick pans aren't dishwasher safe, neither is some of our crockery. I did have some evening whilst DH was washing up but we never get time together.

This is faffy and takes far too long! Speed up!

My kids are small (1 and 4) and we don’t do lots of afterschool activities or homework so perhaps it’s different.

both kids home from childcare/school by 5:15-5:30. I start their tea before I go or I cook it on my lunch break or defrost something I’ve frozen. They eat by 6pm and one of us sits with them while the other repacks bags for the next day, stacks the dishwasher, thinks what we’re having for our dinner etc. kids have a bit of play/telly with us and then up for a long bath at 6:30. One sits with the kids in the bathroom and potters around eg folding towels away or cleaning bathroom. The other puts laundry away in the bedroom and kids pyjamas and things out and bedrooms ready (quickly tidy up). Kids in bed and asleep by 7:30/8pm. First one out of a kids bedroom goes and cooks dinner, picks up the toys and starts the robot hoover and mop and lets that go around while cooking. Clear of the dining table, make sure dishwasher is on, eat dinner and watch tv and then up to bed. We leave the dinner dishes til the morning if the dishwasher is full and on. Put another load of laundry in the washing machine and whack it on timer to start at 6am.

so kids get time and attention, but the other parent is busy doing something.

You have far too much non-dishwasher stuff! During the week use dishwasher-friendly pans and trays and certainly no fancy crockery. Tray bakes and one-pot meals are your friend.
When you get in, could that be the time to do laundry and other non-meal jobs? After dinner then, it should be only meal-clearing up and bedtime.

Are you both working full time?
That's hard.
I work part time so all jobs are done by 6.
I don't lift a finger after 6 except to feed my 3 year old and take him to bed.
But at age 8 and 12 can't you make them do chores?
My daughter's 15 but she used to do some cleaning from about 9.

Me and DH work full time, have x3 primary aged DCS and mange to have an evening - all children in bed by 7pm, an hour housework and prep for the next day then it’s our time to Netflix and relax together. We also both have evening hobbies once a week. I’m very organised though and do not stop - washing machine and tumble drier are always going, all ironing done for the week ahead on Sunday nights. Food shop delivered weekly etc.. I get all their uniforms, lunch boxes made the night before and lay them out, including my stuff too. I wake up every day at 5:30am to empty dishwasher, fold some washing, hoover around before waking the DCs up at 7.

I have read that slow eaters are actually full after about 15 minutes - we used to limit our DD eating time to that when she was about 3 or 4 as otherwise it would take ages.
Plate goes on the side for later if she's hungry again but meanwhile you and the DC can get on with other stuff.
We now have the opposite problem as DS is mad keen to get back to his game/TV and eats too quickly. It's not as bad as it was but we used to set a 20 min minimum for break from screens even if they had been earned, so he knew that eating two bites and leaving the table wasn't going to happen.

I guess it is just me and you then OP 😂

Are you a perfectionist? This is why I can faff as I can’t just tidy without deep cleaning. It is also hard when one of us is back so late from work. Also, I try cook everything from
scratch which means I have a messy house but that is the price I pay.

Definitely try the laundry on weekends only. Being as minimalistic as possible has helped as the mess is still bearable.

My OH is a builder and he says all the houses he sees with kids are horrifically messy compared to ours so that makes me feel better. It may be you need to let go a little.

This washing in first thing and pegged out at 7 am or in tumble dryer. Dishwasher unloaded and loaded. We can do 4-5 loads of washing at weekend but we have plenty of clothes of them. One of us makes a meal from scratched eg yesterday I did a chilli from scratch made loads so enough for tonight as well. They do loads of activities and normally in bed (youngest) by 9 and lights off at 9.30 pm unless he has scouts or rugby in which case moved 30 minutes later.

Can you empty the dishwasher half way through a TV programme when one of you needs to nip the loo?