Decision taken from me about dangerous driving

[Iwishicouldflyhigh]

I know how I feel, so I know that’s not unreasonable, but interested in other views.

DD2 was invited to a party and me and a friend agreed to lift share (we take, they bring back).

on the morning she messaged to say party girl’s friend offered to bring them from venue to their house so easier fir friend to pick up from there. No problem.

that night dd2 told me they were 4 in back of ca with only 3 seats. I’m really against this and dd2 knows that so she said she had to have a seatbelt and then 2 shared another seatbelt.

im so angry that this decision was made without checking with me, id never agree to it and would have gone to get her.

there is a reason its illegal.

i suppose I would just never do it and can’t understand how others think it’s ok.

dd2 is 12, no phone and was in a hard position.

in hindsight, I should have checked that there were enough seats (especially as I know my friend has form for doing the same), but it was a last minute change and I didn’t realise that I should even check (I assume people follow the law). Lesson learnt.

how do others feel? Am I particularly uptight (not that I would change my stance).

This is an absolute no for me, I would not allow my child in a car under those circumstances and have fallen out with people over it. Your child is far too precious to risk in this way.

As for the adult who willingly puts other people's children at risk, I would have some serious words for them.

So who was driving if she's only 12 are the others a lot older or was one of the mums driving? As you say, it's illegal and dangerous, I'd have been furious. If it was a parent then they should have called you.

I thought you were going to say she was 18 to he honestly, and I’d absolutely fuming at 12

This isn’t your fault, it’s the responsibility of the driver, not yours. But now you know. I’d be furious.

I wouldn’t be ok with it.

other parents do all sorts of shit.
probably a good idea not to assume other parents are like you.

It was a friend of the party girls mum-took them from venue to party girl’s house, then my friend picked from there.

I thought she was going to be a teen! What was the party your 12 year old was going to that the party girls friend was old enough to drive? Did I understand that correctly, that it was a teen driving? Because I wouldn't be ok with that even if there were enough seatbelts

You are absolutely not unreasonable. There was an awful accident in Oxford where someone was driving with 7 children in the car and lost control. I can’t believe anyone would still think it is a good idea.

Not unreasonable at all.

DD was invited on a day out with friends - one friend's parent was going to drive them. It then transpired it was the couple and their daughter, plus DD, plus two others, in a regular car, so same scenario as you describe.

Thankfully they let this slip before the trip went ahead - but I pulled DD out rather than let her travel like that. Which was disappointing for her but I just thought it was too unsafe.

Wow that's outrageous!

I decided not to say anything (although I did make it clear to my friend that I wasn’t happy)-fir a few reasons.

but it taught me a lesson. I will always, always check now.

it just makes me feel a bit sick that as parents we can be really safe with our children under our watch and then someone else puts them at risk.

ive spoken to a few people in real life who seem relaxed about (and went a bit pink, so thinking they may have done same).

No, the party girl's mums friend (ie an adult). Sorry I obviously didn’t explain well enough x

I can’t believe anybody would risk this! I would be fuming. Glad your daughter is home safe! X

It happened a few weeks ago, but playing on my mind and then came to forefront after the Swiss tragedy (again, how others actions impact safety of others).

When I was young it was a treat to be allowed to sit in the boot (hatchback) and not even sure if seatbelts were a thing in the back seats. Doesn't change that it's wrong but that may be why some people see it as 'meh'.

I think An adult parent drove the car that had someone’s child loose in the back ( I presume on another child’s lap)

I wold not be happy and make note of who did what for future reference but it probably not say anything unless directly asked for my opinion,

I’d also focus more on empowering my child to be able to stand up for herself next time and make it clear to her what you want her to do next time , ie if your daughter is shy maybe a code word she can text you or say down the phone so you know to come get her ( obviously she would need a phone when going out in future )

upsetting but I’d be grateful nothing happened and focus on what needs to happen next time

I do think it depends how far and on what kind of roads, if it was a mile away on quiet 20mph roads, then I don't think it's a huge deal, but if it was dual carriageway or motorway then it's awful.

If you know your friend has form for doing this, why on earth would you trust her to drive your DD?

3 seatbelts, so 2 had their own and 2 shared.

that is exactly what I did-used it as a life lesson for dd2. But I have to acknowledge she was in a difficult position-she’d have had to ask to borrow a phone-but told her that next time she should just go to one of the mums she knows and asks them.

she won’t be in this exact position again though-as I’ve also learnt my lesson!

Does DD's friend's mum's friend have DC? I am thinking that we used to do this in the back in the 90s with friends and nobody ever seemed to think anything of it at all. Either kids on adults' laps or 4 of us across the back seat - my mum used to drive round the roundabout on our housing estate multiple times and we'd all squeal in delight as the leftmost person seemed to lift up in the air If she doesn't have her own DC I can see someone thinking back to this and not realising social norms have moved on.

I would not dream of doing it today and would be really shocked to hear of anyone doing it for more than something like an unexpected lift around the corner in torrential rain.

Sharing a seatbelt renders it useless at best and can cause life threatening injuries to the lighter person at worst. Not everyone is aware of this but I wouldn't hesitate to share it if someone was suggesting doing it. It's safer to have no seatbelt at all than to share one, which is the opposite to what people tend to assume.

Agree my level of angry would definitely depend on the road conditions and level of risk taken, but I’d still not be happy

Because I knew she was only bringing back my daughter and hers (which she did -from party girls house to my house).

it was the last minute change of plan (coming from venue to party girl's house) . I wasn’t part of that arrangement, if I had been, I might have asked if there were enough seats (but might not have done).

my friend knows my view and wouldn’t do it with my child but also was perhaps not as vigilant as I might have been.

in hindsight, I should have messaged party girls mum myself to check.

Yes. It was twenty years ago and still haunts me though I didn't know anyone involved. It was also for a birthday party and several children died, others were seriously injured. Absolutely horrific, and another driver was killed when the car with the children rolled over the central reservation.

Yes she had kids (at the same party but I don’t know her).

we used to as well (in fact as a family we laugh that we fitted 4 adults, 4 children and a carry cot in a car).

but that was before even front seatbelts had to be worn by law.