Decision taken from me about dangerous driving

[Iwishicouldflyhigh]

I know how I feel, so I know that’s not unreasonable, but interested in other views.

DD2 was invited to a party and me and a friend agreed to lift share (we take, they bring back).

on the morning she messaged to say party girl’s friend offered to bring them from venue to their house so easier fir friend to pick up from there. No problem.

that night dd2 told me they were 4 in back of ca with only 3 seats. I’m really against this and dd2 knows that so she said she had to have a seatbelt and then 2 shared another seatbelt.

im so angry that this decision was made without checking with me, id never agree to it and would have gone to get her.

there is a reason its illegal.

i suppose I would just never do it and can’t understand how others think it’s ok.

dd2 is 12, no phone and was in a hard position.

in hindsight, I should have checked that there were enough seats (especially as I know my friend has form for doing the same), but it was a last minute change and I didn’t realise that I should even check (I assume people follow the law). Lesson learnt.

how do others feel? Am I particularly uptight (not that I would change my stance).

YANBU. Even if the person driving is the best there can be, remember that at least 25% of those with a licence are unfit to hold one and could have crashed into the car.

About 20 mins on duel carriage ways.

The thing is she is 12 and will be going out more and will not alway be under your protection, there will come a time v soon when you are not organising her social life

also this is a situation where a phone would have swiftly solved the problem

I was actually involved in that (as a worker not a passenger) and it bears incredibly little relation to the scenario the OP describes, insultingly so tbh.

You’re not wrong but I think people will have different attitudes to this because it used to be so normal 20-30 years ago when we were kids and some people will carry that over with the ‘we were fine’ type attitude. The lesson I’d take from this is that DD needs to have a phone so she can call you if ever put in a position like this again.

sorry was so taken a back by those comments I forgot to say of course YANBU OP and obviously make sure your daughter never travels with them again

If someone offered my child a lift i would presume they had enough seats! Its tough when they get to this age as you don't necessarily know the friends families... or what cars they have!

Never trust that family again really. And make sure your DD hasca way of contacting you if she feels unsafe

I mean I used to love sitting the boot of a Volvo with their cute little “seats” in the 80s but time has moved on and it’s not generally considered ok any more.

seatbelts are now expected and common and used.

I knew one of the people killed in that accident. While it was extreme, it is the same thinking that is in the op’s scenario of seat belts and overloaded cars both being fine. Until they’re not and there is a horrific accident.

I’m surprised you treat it so cavalierly and find that very insulting to the memory of my friend.

She Is quite sheltered, so it will be a while more that I’m involved and she will hunger a phone next year (doesn’t detract from the fact that these parents were driving illegally though).

Happened to a girl here, went through the windscreen although the driver was drunk, and young - no excuses obviously, but it was life changing.

I don’t know what you mean by cavalierly. Having an extra person in the back of the car bears no relation to the extremity of that crash.

you might be theoretically insulted but I know your friends parents are incredible grateful I was there.

I’d feel the same as you. We once dropped my dd at so eone’s house for 4 of them to be taken to cinema, only a sibling went too and the party girl was laid down in the boot (estate car so not “closed”) - I was livid! But as we only knew after (we could have taken dd straight to cinema) the only way we could deal with it was to make sure there was never a plan for dd to be in their car again.

I would be livid. I found myself in a not dissimilar situation a few weeks ago. DD (14) was at a party quite some distance away and was offered a lift by a parent. Another parent ended up bringing her back - we have a tracking app and I could see that the driver was driving at 100 mph for some of the journey. I was absolutely petrified as well as furious. What an absolute asshole of a parent to drive like that with any child in the car never mind someone else’s kids. DD has begged me not to say anything so I haven’t but I’ve told her that she’s never being driven by that parent again.

I feel for you OP. The what ifs are horrendous to deal with.

sorry but as she’s having more freedom and parties will be with new secondary friends etc, perhaps a brick dumb phone to be taken out for situations like this so she can call you/text you what is going on.

If she is going to be on situations where she is away from both parents (which I think is normal for 12) then I would want her to have a basic phone. Not a smart phone, literally just one that does calls and texts. If technically possible one that she can only call set numbers on.
But I would want her to have a way of contacting parents.

She will get one at 13, so only a few months to go, but yes I agree with you that she is at the point of needing one.

Oh God, this reminds me of the occasion when DS, about 8 at the time, was invited to a birthday party. The party was in the nearest town, about twenty miles away, but we were asked to drop off at their house. I found out later that the birthday child's dad had driven all the kids there and back rattling around loose in the back of his transit van. I was horrified, and absolutely furious. Apparently, the kids all thought it was great fun, being thrown around as the van went round corners. It had never occurred to me that someone could be that lax about children's safety, and I was upset with myself that I'd made an assumption and hadn't thought to check the transport arrangements.

Anyway, I'd be very annoyed too, OP. Good on your DD for insisting on a seat belt. You're right not to let her travel with them again; needless to say, I didn't either.

I would be thinking like you, and my DC would never travel in their car again.

Reminds me of the first time my 4 year old in reception went for tea after school at a new school friends house. I had met the mum a few times at the school gate, and we’d chatted, we agreed the day and I went in at school drop off in the morning to drop off the booster seat for them to use on way home, the DDad of the child looked perplexed and said “ we don’t normally use those “ .

I’m glad your DD told you though OP that’s a positive and hopefully gave you chance to have a chat about what she could do if anything similar happens again.

Bloody hell!

It’s taken every ounce of my self control not to ring this man and go ballistic. It terrifies me that - as others have said - we take every measure possible to ensure the safety of our children and someone can undo all of that in an instant. I’m still so angry and upset and it was almost 3 weeks ago.

Do some people really not know what damage an unrestrained child can do to themselves and others in an accident ?

And to a PP, it doesn’t matter if it’s one mile or 100 miles, 20 MPH or 100 MPH.

I’m amazed that people under the age of maybe 50 actually think this is OK. Older people may have a remnant of ‘we used to do it’ but the seat belt laws have been around for so long now I would have thought they were just automatic to abide by.

Wow, this thread tells me every are lots of people who think it’s ok to drive with an overloaded car.

which worries me more 😱

The reporting seems to disagree with your recollection

I'm amazed people are so laid back about this. I'd be tempted to report it to the police - because, if I didn't, and she killed someone else's child doing this in the future, I'd feel culpable. And because she was criminally negligent with my child's life and seems unaware of how serious it is.