To stop DS changing his registered carer from me to his GF?

[Agiraffecalledbow]

Pretty much that.
Ds stays at his GFs family home two nights a week. The rest of the time he is home. He has a learning disability and autism.
There has been suggestion recently that GF become his registered carer so that GF can claim carers allowance because she is on on a low income and getting few hours at work. To be transparent apart from accompanying DS on the odd day out and attending one appointment I am doing everything, all forms, all admin, all his household stuff, all appointments, all correspondance with medical teams and the usual things carers do.

AIBU to refuse to remove myself from registered carer unless GF is willing to do all the care he actually needs?

Grifter comes to mind. I'd be worried for ds.

Does she provide 35 hours worth of care? If not she is ineligible. Is there no reason she can’t work more hours? I’d be worried she’s looking for a meal ticket.

I think your suggestion is fair. If she wants to be his registered carer, she needs to do the care. She may be genuine and could end up being his wife one day.

YANBU
If you are doing all the work, then you should definitely get it.

It sounds ot me like your son is being taken advantage of here and I think you need to sit him down and explain what you do for him and how that money helps support you to do that so if his girlfriend wants to be his carer, she needs to do it all, it is not selective.

That would be a no.

How old are they and how long in a relationship?

If he moves out and all his paperwork and appointments and all care is done by someone else, sure. But right now he's at yours most of the time and you do the work. It's also not a permanent legal relationship and she could bail and changing the carer back would be a lot of work.

This also shows that one or both of them are looking to screw you financially and likely the work won't get done or you'll still be expected to do it.

So no.

Suggest to her that she takes over for a month to see how she gets on and then decide if she can do it all.

Make it clear that if she is going to claim then she has to be doing it and if she doesnt then you will have to report it.

Absolutely not unreasonable. Does he understand what the carers' allowance is actually for? You need to clearly explain to him what the money goes towards. If he doesn't understand this, I would suggest he doesn't have the capacity to make this decision anyway. And I would proceed extremely cautiously with the girlfriend...

You can only work a certain number of hours a week if claiming CA. So it would prevent her working more.

Whose suggestion was it?

Is he capable of consenting to a relationship? Because she sounds dangerous and really bad for him, she isn’t exactly a catch and now she is trying to use him for money. Is he able to recognise these issues?
I’d be really concerned about him being with her at all.

I’d write it all down. List everything that you do and that you are responsible for.

Daily tasks. Weekly tasks. The periodic but time-consuming and stressful reviews like PIP and LCWRA. The accompanying to appointments. The legal requirements and responsibilities. All of it.

See how she likes them apples.

22 and 26 (GF is the older one).
They have been together around 15 months. No reason she cannot get more hours.

Between their time spent at GF house and her being here they probably do spend 35 hours together (just) if you could hours at night when they are asleep. Actual caring though no. Even when he is not here he is constantly messaging me for assistance with things and i am still sorting his things at home.

DS has started telling me she is going to appointments with him instead of me (which I have zero issue with) but that does not equate to 35 hours of care.

@TheMorgenmuffel has a good suggestion.

It’s likely that she has no idea of the commitment that being a registered carer requires.

@Agiraffecalledbow Well, if they really want to have a trial run of her being his carer, you’ll no longer be available to sort things out for him. Explain to him that he’ll need to ask her for assistance instead.

If you gave it up, would you then be able to work? Maybe you should. But make it very clear to him that you’ll do nothing else beyond what other parents of adults do to help out as she will be his carer and you’ll be working.

But I’d be really wary of him being with her. How are they going to support themselves when she won’t work and he can’t (or does he?)

Technically yes he is capable of consenting to a relationship. He is very vulnerable though and the one girlfriend he has had prior to this was controlling and resulted in me getting outside people involved. He was under 18 at the time.

I am concerned myself but I can only keep an eye on things really due to his age.

Is she trained for any other sort of job, but just currently underemployed, or does she not have much prospect of improving her income?
If the former I'd warn her quite strongly that she would be capping her earnings in the long-term by taking on the role, as it isn't something you can just do between jobs then drop - does she really want to do that for her boyfriend of 15 months?

I would worry because bottom line is him getting the care he needs. I don't think she must understand what this actually entails.
Ask her to do a trial fortnight where she does it all, even if you offer to pay her 2 weeks worth of carers allowance and see what she thinks after and more importantly, see what your son thinks after. It's not easy and the money a pittance.

This x a million

He won’t think of anything useful. Ld or not he is a man. All she has to do is flash him and give him a good time and he will say yes to anything.

@Happyjoe Yes, the OP can pay her to do the trial and @Agiraffecalledbow would really need to ensure that’s she’s completely unavailable during that period to do whatever she currently does.

She's simply trying to get the money for it CF! She may well help but isn't that what GF does anyway? If they move in together and she takes on everything you're doing then yes, but she's not. You have to earn less than about £190 a week to qualify i believe so that's not just low income, that's very low hours working! Xx

i would do a 3 month trial - and be utterly unavailable !

pay her the money, but dont change any paper work!

Also start charging him rent if hes living with you 5 days a week -see what her actual motive is!

Yes, sounds like there might be a safeguarding issue. It's worthy of concern, anyway.

Yes I would be able to work if someone took over everything required. Although I have worked remotely in the past or self employed for most of his life but this became an issue when he left education and was home all the time. I would love to go back to work but being left home alone is a big issue and risk of using cooker, iron and similar is not safe.

He has a supported work placement of a couple of hours a week.