To stop DS changing his registered carer from me to his GF?

[Agiraffecalledbow]

Pretty much that.
Ds stays at his GFs family home two nights a week. The rest of the time he is home. He has a learning disability and autism.
There has been suggestion recently that GF become his registered carer so that GF can claim carers allowance because she is on on a low income and getting few hours at work. To be transparent apart from accompanying DS on the odd day out and attending one appointment I am doing everything, all forms, all admin, all his household stuff, all appointments, all correspondance with medical teams and the usual things carers do.

AIBU to refuse to remove myself from registered carer unless GF is willing to do all the care he actually needs?

God this terrifies me as the mum to an 8yo with high functioning ASD and other disabilities 😭😭

As above speak to his social worker. They will have seen this situation many times before.

She sounds like a grifter tbh.

Rather than transfer caring responsibilities to her, increase the amount of time your son spends with her - maybe let him spend a full month with her and be clear with both of them that she needs to handle all his needs not you.
She needs to realise what she is getting into if nothing else.

If the month goes well and she still wants to proceed then I don't see why you would say no if that is what your son wants. But, keep a close eye on him so that she is not neglecting him and keep a log from now on of anything you are asked to do unpaid.

How much are we talking about? How much is it worth?

do you mind me asking what your son struggles with despite being deemed high functioning (I have an autistic child of the same age, genuinely curious and not being facetious)

It sounds like a longish term relationship, especially as it sounds like it was based on friendship beforehand. I know other couples where one partner is disabled and the other cares for them. I say let them have a go. As PP have said, make a list of what you do, and make it clear you are not available for those tasks if this goes ahead. They also have to do all the work of getting it changed over.

I don't see how someone with a learning disability so bad that they need 35 hours of care from someone per week can be in a consensual relationship with someone who doesn't also have a LD, sounds like he's massively being taken advantage of.

That's a lack of imagination on your part. I know couples where one person is very disabled from birth and their partner is not and cares for them, they are married and have children. OPs DS obviously has a lot to give as a partner and his GF sees his value.

It's only the money she's bothered about,
I'd be so worried about son if payments weren't as forthcoming as she'd like
He clearly is a trusting soul
And this is what she picked up on
When she latched onto him.

That would be a hard NO

I’d suggest a trial. Say ok she can start with the 35 hours for the next two weeks and we can see how it goes.

Then anything he messages you about you can say she will have to deal with it, she needs to deal with anything at home by him being with her- he’ll have to spend x many more days at hers, or you’ll be breaking the law/committing fraud.

Say you can see how it goes. Then presumably it won’t work and he’ll realise.

I would say that she should not be his carer unless they lived together but it does sound like she just wants the money but not the hassle also it would be weird being your bf carer unless you were committed its not even a great deal of money just keep saying no tell her straight there is a lot more to being a carer going to a few appointments.

Does the DS have capacity?

Mate crime is a significant issue for people with learning disabilities or autism - where they are taken advantage of by people claiming to be their friend. It is one reason why it is best to keep money in trust for them. OP does seem happy for the GF to take on care of - I can understand the desire to handover responsibility like that. Being a carer is a drain on energy and emotions. But in such circumstances I think OP needs to safeguard her DS first.

I’d refuse and she has to provide 35 hours a week care which it seems she is not, also seems like she is taking advantage.

I would take the approach that whilst he’s living at home you will be his registered carer. His GF can take over when they move in together.

I would also discuss with him that it wouldn’t be good for their relationship at this stage if GF was having to do all the drudgery of his admin. She might end up seeing him as more of a job than a boyfriend. As their relationship deepens then she will naturally become more involved but at this stage he should be keeping things romantic not getting her to move into a mothering role.

Don’t let GF take over as carer, either you’ll end up still doing the work or your DS’s needs will be neglected. Don’t say an absolute No, but more of a Not Yet.

If she only works 5 hours a week how is she supporting herself at the moment- paying rent, bills etc

She lives with her parents from what OP said.
She wants her work commitments switched off, and wants the CA money.

If OP does a month trial, as a few people have suggested, what will she do when her DS is crying down the phone that his mum is not helping him.

I would be worried about a Tom Somerset How situation. If you can, do nothing and brush the idea to one side. If they keep trying to pursue it then point out that she doesn’t meet the criteria. She is not next of kin and is not doing the leg work or brain work to make sure his care needs are met. Suggest they focus on enjoying each others’ company, as making her his career might spoil their relationship.

i work with adults who have relatives who may well receive CA for them but who, on the surface appear to function reasonably well. Some have even signed POA over to parents to manage things like legal matters and finances because they can’t quite wrap their head around that but hold down a job and have consensual relationships. It’s almost like they can’t manage the ‘adulting’ part of being an adult - running a house, paying bills, remembering appointments etc but can cope with the fun side as it’s a lower demand - going shopping, days and nights out. Meeting friends.

my job is to help them be less dependent where possible and put reasonable accommodations in where needed.

@Agiraffecalledbow you definitely need to get his social workers input on this and consider direct payments as he can then pay whoever to do what he need's as well as buy in services . I used to be paid to clean for a relative as part of their direct payment. It meant they had a trusted person doing the work and I earned a little bit of ‘pin’ money when I was a sahp around preschool hours. It was all above board and receipted every time for transparency and accountability.

I don’t envy you though. I have a very high functioning autistic child and I wonder if he will ever leave home to forge his own life!

She sounds workshy and I wonder if she's after the UC payment as well, she won't be expected to work if she's a carer. So she could move out to live alone, get paid from UC and carer's and not work/barely work. I'd be concerned she wouldn't do the caring and DS would suffer.

If she does it as a trial it should be an unpaid trial. You need that money OP and until you can give up caring permanently you can't work more, so why should you go without so she can have a trial? An unpaid trial would be more accurate anyway, most of the work done is effectively unpaid because it's 24/7 in many cases, not 35hr week then clock off at 5pm.

It should wait until he's living elsewhere really OP, because otherwise you will inevitably be lumbered with caring just because you're the one who's there and he's your son so you're not going to let him suffer (or burn your house down just because nobody is supervising him).

I have to question why a well educated 26yr old is dating a 22yr old with LD anyway. Are they really that well matched? It's one thing of it's a fling but to take on caring the relationship would need to be serious and essentially the intention would be that it's a permanent situation. They're not even living together yet!

If the GF is immature and living with parents and is not fully independent with regard to responsibilities that come with running a household I don't think she has proven abilities to be a carer. I imagine her parents are subsidising her financially if she is only working a few hours so she also has not demonstrated that she can manage money. Does she cook? Do her own laundry? If she were to apply for a job as a PA/support worker it doesn't sound that likely she has the life skills to succeed, in which case she should not be a recognised carer. I think the 'not yet' advice and emphasising that they should have fun at this stage of their relationship in order to keep your son on board is very wise.