To stop DS changing his registered carer from me to his GF?

[Agiraffecalledbow]

Pretty much that.
Ds stays at his GFs family home two nights a week. The rest of the time he is home. He has a learning disability and autism.
There has been suggestion recently that GF become his registered carer so that GF can claim carers allowance because she is on on a low income and getting few hours at work. To be transparent apart from accompanying DS on the odd day out and attending one appointment I am doing everything, all forms, all admin, all his household stuff, all appointments, all correspondance with medical teams and the usual things carers do.

AIBU to refuse to remove myself from registered carer unless GF is willing to do all the care he actually needs?

Tbh, that's not actually that much of a bother because it's clear that things need to be done most days for the OP's son, so the OP will know it's not done and her son too. Am pretty sure it will become clear if she is up to the task or not, even if she does 'flash him'.

She has a degree in a specific area but seems to be finding it hard to get solid hours in that field. I think it is a degree in an overpopulated field. She does work in that field but at most five hours a week.

She does actually have three jobs but they are all a couple of hours here and there and one of them is cash in hand so I would think most weeks she would be just under the allowed amount given one is not declared.

Agree with a pp that she sounds like a grifter

Surely this would be considered as fraud if she is registered as carer. What happens if something goes wrong? Or they split up ?

be careful @Agiraffecalledbow

I really think that there are serious issues here if your ds is in supported work and cannot be left alone in the house he is very vulnerable and as such her wanting to take money from him without actually doing or understanding the care he needs is a huge red flag. I think you need to think carefully about what you do next but you need to safeguard him.

I suppose it would come down to your DS going to the DWP and getting it changed. I’d leave him to do that and explain he (or rather she) needs to arrange it, then you can let his girlfriend do the work of changing it over. I’d explain to the DWP why you aren’t removing yourself and what your concerns are. Let them make the decision.

And she has a degree but the ds has such severe learning difficulties he cannot be left.

This does not make any sense at all.

I completely agree..My problem from past experience is any push back from me in this area results in him completely pushing away and shutting down towards me, putting himself in an even more vulnerable position so I am having to tread very carefully.

She is very immature for her age imo and I would not be shocked if she was on the spectrum herself.
Her needs are no where near DSs level though and it does bother me why she was interested, particularly as they had known each several years before.

Can you raise your concerns with your son's social worker? It does sound as if your son is extremely vulnerable and open to exploitation.

Why doesn't it make sense? Be specific.

Do they live together then? Ultimately, he is an adult, is in a consentual relationship, she is independent enough she could get a degree, she should be able to look after him.

Just make it clear that you'll be working and therefore she'll need to do the caring FT, not you.

I think it shows he is prepared to start adult life away from mum which is great. Obviously you'll need to keep an eye that she is indeed providing the care.

Can you appear to enthusiastically agree and helpfully write down all you do? Give her the list and offer to go through things with her, give them both a date when you will stop and mean it, redirecting him to her every single time. Including saying that you are going out so he will need to go to her house not to be alone etc. They'll change their minds pretty quickly.

Someone can have more than one registered carer so I don't understand the problem.

It sounds like this is an issue around Carers Allowance and other benefits. Presumably, your son is in receipt of PIP and you get the CA. If he's over the age of 18 and has capacity then he can (and should) decide who receives CA on his behalf. Alternatively, he could decide that no one gets CA on his behalf. This would seem to be the most sensible way forward and for a request for assessment and direct payments for his care.

You aren't immortal. Eventually you'll need to step back from the carer role.

I suggest that you propose a gradual transfer. Write out a list of all the tasks you do as he carer and hiw long you spend on those tasks each week. For 6 months she can do 25% of the work and you can informally give her 25% of the carers allowance. After 6 months she can up her share to 50% of the work and 50% of the allowance. Eventually she can have all of it but an absolute "nope" to her having a single penny of the allowance without a proportionate share of the work.

I like the idea but the challenge here is that she will not take care of the OP's DS, he will not complain about her because she is his GF, and so he will not be taken care of.

If I was the OP I would strongly resist this change if it is driven by the GF's low income. The DS is 22 and vulnerable. If in a few years time the GF is genuinely doing much of the caring then think about it then.

Of course if the DS has capacity I am not sure OP can do much to stop him if the GF has her claws in him he is determined.

I would say she can if they officially move in together and share an address and all household bills. While he is still registered as living at home with you, you are his carer.

This.

Carer's Allowance is not a top up for someone on a shit wage or who can't get enough hours. It sounds likes she wants to claim it for the wrong reasons.

He lives with me. He stops at hers at couple of nights a week.

I would say ‘no’. DS lives with you, i am guessing you do all his washing, you cook his meals whilst he’s there? On top of doing paperwork, finances etc…etc…?

As long as he’s living with you then you are the one providing the care. If she wants to take on that role then your DS can live with her, this would give you freedom to work?

Both my kids have SEN’s and disabilities, I really hope one day my eldest can move out and that she finds someone who is willing to do all I do……because then I won’t have to do it anymore (that makes me sound awful). Sadly her younger sister is more severely disabled and needs even more care.

If you are providing more care for him than she is then you need to continue claiming carers. If she wants to take over caring for him then let her, maybe she will then realise she’s better off working?

I am not against not being his carer just to be transparent. What I am against is what I suspect will happen which is me still doing all of the caring while DS GF gets CA as a wage top up.

The person who mentioned having a chat with social worker is a great idea actually. Direct payment might be a good way forward also. At least then I would know he was getting what he needed.

She wants to claim because it will make her exempt to job search whilst claiming universal credits. I am guessing she currently has to attend the job centre to job search because she doesn’t earn enough.

I think he can change the carer whenever he wants ? Surely if someone else just puts a claim in it will be transferred ? I’m not saying I agree with the idea as it’s sounds like your current set up is best but I don’t think you can block it from changing to her ?

I'm not sure what the legal terms are, but is your son legally independent/capable of making his own decisions?
As if so then presumably as an adult who his carer is would be up to him to change?
Or would you have to do it?
I get why you want to avoid pushing him away with an argument but I would resist this as long as possible, this does not seem like a healthy relationship for him and I would be very concerned.

I'm in the US but when I got benefits for my youngest, I had to fill out lots of paperwork and sign as the payee.

Wouldn't they notice if you were doing the paperwork still because you can't sign as her, that would be fraudulent? Or cut off the benefits if she just didn't do the paperwork and it wasn't received by its due date? She hasn't been around long enough to be trusted in that position notr is she putting in the hours and work. So that would be a no.