To stop DS changing his registered carer from me to his GF?

[Agiraffecalledbow]

Pretty much that.
Ds stays at his GFs family home two nights a week. The rest of the time he is home. He has a learning disability and autism.
There has been suggestion recently that GF become his registered carer so that GF can claim carers allowance because she is on on a low income and getting few hours at work. To be transparent apart from accompanying DS on the odd day out and attending one appointment I am doing everything, all forms, all admin, all his household stuff, all appointments, all correspondance with medical teams and the usual things carers do.

AIBU to refuse to remove myself from registered carer unless GF is willing to do all the care he actually needs?

I think you should start by just saying "she doesn't provide you with 35 hours of care and you are living with me and I do, so we can't change it at the moment".

Don't say no, just say it's not possible because of the fact he lives with you so you do the care which qualifies.

If he wants her to do it then they need to live together but I wouldn't suggest that, just keep saying "but you live here and I provide the care so it's me who is eligible".

I suspect from what you've said it's impossible for them to live together so that should end the discussion.

And if they do think they can live together then you can support him to look into that.

I'm carer for my daughter and this is what I would do

You can't see how a non disabled person could date a disabled one?

There's a huge imbalance of power. Often seen in abusive relationships. Of course a non- disabled person could date a person with a disability. However OPs son has LD, his capacity to understand complex issues if this is the case makes him highly vulnerable.

He needs the social worker to assign an independent advocate to support him to make a decision in his best interests.

He is desperate to move out which I understand.

What possibilities for moving out are there? Could he move in with her?

If so, then I'd consider it.

Do you think she loves him?

Absolutely this ^

Yeah I guess if that's severe. It could be abusive. I hope it isn't.

If he lacks capacity (you can have capacity in some respects but not others) then he would need a guardian to make decisions on his behalf. Unless OP applies for this through the courts it would by default be social work. An advocate could help him make his views known to SW but SW would make the decisions.

I agree this is what OP should say/do, except I wouldn’t mention the 35 hours as even if she manages to scrape in at 35 hours (which she would then aim for) OP will still be doing the majority of care.

Given your updates about her housing situation @Agiraffecalledbow I.e., she lives with her parents, I can see how impossible it will be for her to be his carer.

At first, I wondered whether he wanted to move in with her, but I assume that’s unlikely to be possible- so as others are saying, how can she provide all his care? You’ll still be doing the majority as he’ll be living with you.

Even the suggested trial run isn’t really possible if he’s living with you -unless she moves in and you’re able to resist helping out- I doubt that you want her moving in!

My sibling has LDs and autism and lived with my mum until her death. She was his full time carer. He has a history of setting fires, which was fully documented with social services. I used to report literally every time he had put himself and mum at risk. You had to be on your best game at all times to stop him letting strangers into the house or causing danger. When mum died social services wanted him to continue living alone but with 4 visits a day from carers. It was only when I said that the house was going to be uninsurable and that the council would have to insure it, and the neighbouring houses for when they burnt down that the situation was taken seriously.

so no. I don’t think the girlfriend should become his carer. It’s a huge responsibility

As ever, once he's actually suffering, he'll become a higher priority. An option is for them to move out to a place living together, her to become his carer. When the relationship inevitably goes tits up due to her neglecting him and he becomes homeless, that supported living place will come around a lot quicker when they realise he's a liability in a hostel/b&b/flat. They don't like their properties razed to the ground and will look to prevent that, in a way they won't when it's your home at risk. You'd have to harden your heart and let it happen though. Because obviously everyone will be pushing for you to give up whatever job you've taken on to have him live with you and become his carer again.

but could you still receive the carers allowance, but pay the girlfriend for the hours of care she does?

Not out of the carer's allowance. It's about £80/wk. Min wage is about £12/hr plus employers NI contributions etc. Or she'd have to register as a business to do it freelance on a self-employed basis.

Social services aren't likely to assess him as needing that help because they know he has OP as his official carer. If they did by some miracle assess him as needing a few hours more care, they'd not be willing to pay for someone who's doing it cash-in-hand illegally.

So if OPs DS wanted to unofficially employ her as his carer for a few hours a week, he'd have to do that out of his own income (his PIP etc).

Even when he is not here he is constantly messaging me for assistance with things and i am still sorting his things at home.

From tomorrow, message back EVERY TIME and say get GF to do it

If the GF isn’t doing it then she isn’t caring for him and he needs safeguarding not being abandoned.