Dd17 holiday been turned down from work

[AmusedLemonFatball]

I know I am being unreasonable but I’m hormonal and emotional.

dd is 18 soon, shes my eldest of three.

she has requested our usual dates off for work for our family holidays and all have been rejected apart from one that is for when she is going away with a friend and their family.

im really upset, I can’t imagine going on every holiday without her this year. It’s not big holidays, just to Cornwall etc but the thought makes me feel sick. There’s no chance of her getting any time off in the summer holidays and it has to work around school holidays for my other dc.

On the other hand it’s not fair that the other two don’t get a holiday?

I have autism so the unexpected change has really thrown me off :(

Seriously op, did you expect her to always be able /want to go on holiday with you once she reached adulthood? You need to let her go and treat her like an adult.

She's been denied every single request in school holidays though, despite requesting the dates as soon as possible?

Seems very unfair, and likely that she has not got them due to not having children, even though she still has a family herself who she wants to spend time with.

I'd be looking to leave this workplace asap.

Are you sure she's been turned down for all family holiday dates but not for the friend one . Maybe she's being kind and doesn't want to go with the family any more .

Depends what her job is. Is she a teaching assistant, for example?

Best plan is to find another job and tell them sge has ore-booked holidays. Resign current job then.

Having to get leave authorised is one of the big drawbacks of the working life. Your daughter just happens to have joined that world a little earlier than most. It's unlikely that, in any given year, she will get all the dates she applies for,

I assume probably not otherwise she'd be off for the school holidays?

Seems like the kind of workplace where there has to be a certain level of cover at all times (similar to when I worked in retail - needed a certain number of staff present to actually be able to open the store) and she has been placed as lowest priority for school holiday times because she isn't a parent.

Seems very unfair that she put her requests in at the same time as everyone else but hasn't been given even one within the school holidays.

I would ask her to check that there are no weeks at all during the summer and to find out how these are shared, as to me it would seem unfair if you have one member of staff taking 3 weeks off during this time meaning one person can't take any leave at all, especially if she handed in her request early.

I would also check though that they allow time off in that month. My husband's work don't allow his department time off in September. Is there any possibility she has got it wrong and the reason there isn't any availablity that time is because it's blocked off for everyone?

It doesn't sound like they are being completely unfair and not letting her have school holidays weeks as you do say she has May half term off so it could be argued if there are a lot of staff members that she had May half term and then six other members had one week each over the summer.
My husband's work also only allow one person off at a time, so this might fit in with why she can't get the time off.

Edited to add, sorry I wrongly read it as she was given May half term, not that she also wasn't given that one.
I would definitely be asking the manager about the arrangements for school holidays times and why none of her requests during this time have been authorised.

So it opened at 1am and she requested at 1:30am.

Sounds like she was 29minutes too late depending on how many staff asked at the same time or if they have any rules regarding holiday policy for longer standing employees and such.

she put in what three requests and got granted one. The first one of the year technically.

Unless you or rather she knows how they allocate leave then there is no answer anyone can give.

1st come. She was too slow to those who know that it’s like.

Joint time applied. They might cross reference the application and see right these four employees overlap dates. So we need to give each one, one date and gave the first actual date/drew straws or name in a hat.

A reward for 5 years service meaning your slot opens 11:30pm the night before so you get at least one week promised and 20 staff members have that and they made sure every week was August so they got at least one. Who knows.

Do you depend on her for emotional regulation?

MN posters are truly ridiculous with their questions sometimes!

I couldn't imagine going on holiday with my parents at 18. Not that I was invited.
Your DD has a steady full time job, she's not a child anymore, welcome to the grown ip world

Ha, good point! I should have been clearer, I wondered if she might work in some kind of child care/SEN provision.

Can she ask why and note that almost all of her holidays have been denied? I'd suggest she speak to her manaher and explain the sitiation and see what they day. It could be they are prioritising people with kids to have those dates off as they need school holiday dates, so if she explains that she also needs school holiday dates that may help with getting one of them approved perhaps.

I would understand if there was one specific week blocked but three different ones feels unfair - but guess it depends on the nature of her job and what others are doing.

It’s beginning to sound as though she may just be telling you she can’t get the leave. It seems highly coincidental that all the holiday has been declined except the one with her friend..

I would have thought the fact that she put her requests in asap shows she knew it would be difficult.

If she has has one out of three school holiday requests granted then she would only know if that is unfair by knowing what other were given?

Read the thread ... she's had October rejected.

OP, I’m sorry that your daughter can’t come on holiday with you. This is going to be our first year without one adult child. One of the kids has an internship so can’t come away, as timings won’t work around the other one’s exams.

It may be a shock to some here, but I have 21 and 22-year-olds who love coming on holiday with us. We all like each other, and they aren’t going to turn down a week or two away! We also pay for them, even though they are working adults; this might shock those who believe at 18 your children should be kicked out never to be seen again ;-)

OP we are just seeing it as a year without a family holiday and we will hopefully make up for it next year. We will do some mini breaks instead.

Try not to let it overwhelm you. Life changes and routines change. It must be extra hard if you are autistic of course.

It is so frustrating when people don’t read the thread. And chime in with helpful comments like, can’t you all go at another time of year?!

Different option as well. Any chance you and her could just do a trip together. Mother daughter trip. A small consolation.

What does your daughter do?

While on one hand I agree with comments saying she’s an adult now and has responsibilities, I think she does have to have a conversation with her employer regarding how the summer leave works. It’s completely unfair to say someone cannot take any leave July to September. What if she has children herself is she never to take leave during school holidays? She needs to understand what their leave policy is and how it works. There’s a possibility it’s indirect discrimination if she cannot take any leave during certain months in favour of parents etc.

These are popular dates but it still seems odd to get so many blanket nos. Are there lots of parents on the team? Just wondered if they booked them all super early

Otherwise maybe she is trying to be kind - seems a coincidence that the date with the friend was free.

That’s sad @AmusedLemonFatball

Could she try to get the May half term off ( last week of May the weather is often nice)?

Or have a chat with her line manager and explain the problem that she keeps getting rejected for leave in school holidays but wants a holiday with her siblings who are school aged. Her employer may be assuming wrongly that she has no need for an occasional week off in school holidays.

When you are autistic changes can be hard but when it is something that is big like this that has been same routine for years, it can shake you to the core.

Big hugs @AmusedLemonFatball from an AuDHD mama ❤️
I’ve found when it is my children/family dynamic changes it can create a grieving period for me. Be kind to yourself and allow the emotions.

Men don’t have periods, pregnancies or menopause so that might be the answer to why they don’t complain of being hormonal.

Some women are more affected by hormones than others. Maybe you should stop continuing the gaslighting of women over how their own bodies work. 🙄

All she can do is talk to her manager - I would frame it that while she doesn't expect all her dates to be authorised, it seems unreasonable to get none of her preferred dates at all and would it be possible for at least one holiday period to be authorised.