Thinking of divorcing to protect his inheritance

[Changeofnameforprivacy]

Ok this is going to be a weird one.

With dh for 21 years and a sahm for 18 years by mutual agreement. When we met he was working in his dad’s business, owned his (mortgaged) house. I had a small amount of savings, earned slightly more than him. I lost my job a couple of months before we married, when my skills became obsolete and I started retraining. Then got pregnant and recession hit, and no one was hiring in my new field. I didn’t intend to become a sahm, but we decided to have a second dc while the job market was depressed rather than spreading our family out as we’d initially planned. Dc2 turned out to be dc2 and dc3. Then dc1 was diagnosed with autism and I’ve been as sahm ever since.

Since then, fil retired and dh bought the company off him, paying him in instalments over 15 years. We’ve had some lean years when the company struggled. I would have liked to get back to work but we’d have been worse off financially and had a lower standard of living too. But I’ve always felt that my contribution was equal to dh’s, just different and he has said similar.

However, things are about to change. Dh has negotiated the sale of the company at a very good price, with plans to retire in 5 years time (18 months to complete the sale, with a 3 and a half year earn out). Eventually (hopefully not for a long time though) we anticipate a significant inheritance from his dps who are elderly and in declining health. They have significant investments, and even if they need expensive healthcare couldn’t spend it all. On the other hand I don’t expect to inherit anything from mine as I have a sibling with extra needs who will have to be provided for, and may even need some help from usgoing forward. I’m feeling deeply uncomfortable about it all.

Up to now, if we had broken up, I’d have had no hesitation about dividing the assets down the middle. Despite not contributing financially, I’ve pulled my weight and supported dh’s career at every turn, and done the lions share of parenting. But this money feels like his family money - a company his dad set up, inheritance from them. It feels like the balance of power has tilted. Up to now either of us could have walked away, but now I feel he will be trapped.

We could draw up an agreement that I wouldn’t get any of this money in the event of a split but it wouldn’t stand up if I changed my mind later. I know I keep talking about splitting up, and it’s not on our radar at all. We’re very happy together. But one of the strengths of modern marriage is that people can call time if needed, and walk away if they’re no longer happy.

But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me.

I’ve been lying here in bed, turning this over and over in my head since he told me this earlier today and I think the fairest solution would be for us to divorce now, draw up a fair settlement and then just continue to cohabitate. The dc would inherit everything, as is fair. They’ll all be adults by the time he retires so I wouldn’t have to be involved at all.

Knowing him, he won’t see it like this at all. But honestly I think I’m right about this. AIBU?

Do you suffer from depression OP? You sound so utterly convinced about this yet it really doesn't make sense. Your husband doesn't want a divorce - it's all in your own head.

I think years and years of being worn down by the strain of caring for a SN child and twins and in laws belittling your contribution has done a number on your mental health and self esteem. Your husband sounds nice and I expect would be horrified if you voiced your thoughts though I think you should share them with him as it's weighing very heavily on you.

Can you see your GP and a counsellor to work through your feelings?

I'm terms of ensuring the money stays in the family for your children, that's simple. If you're widowed or divorced, just don't remarry and don't piss it all up the wall. My husband and I have openly discussed and agreed this (we've both inherited and agree any assets remaining at the death of who passes last should ultimately end up with our own children). I know it's not a legal bar to remarrying as it's "only" a promise but we are both happy with that.

This is marriage. Your DMIL will have her care paid for by the earnings her and DFIL accumulated. Or do you think she shouldn't get her care paid because it wasn't her business? When you marry, you become family and you share. You are overthinking this. You are DH family. When he loses his parents, you as part of DH family will inherit, and your children after you.

Yes exactly, if you divorce and your Dh remarried and died, your kids will be disinherited.

Draw up a family trust and get wills sorted. Does your autistic child claim DLA? If they may need support their whole lives they may be eligible for a vulnerable persons trust which has tax benefits - that is something worth exploring if you inherit money. It’s absolutely worth having these financial discussions early, but if your marriage is solid then don’t divorce! That makes no financial sense. It benefits DH only, not you and not your children.

Making a family and a happy marriage is not gold digging. Caring for children is not gold digging. Caring for an autistic child is not gold digging. Know your worth OP. You being a SAHM is what has allowed your PIL and your DH to thrive in business. You earned this too. If anyone mentions anything like that again you simply say "two decades, three children, one with additional care needs - if I'm gold digging then I've more than earned my gold!"

This is definitely a reverse
Goodness
🤣

Blimey OP, even wealthy victorians would leave money to their servants after death, and here you are worrying about whether you, as a devoted wife, mother, and daughter-in-law, should be in line for "your husband's family's" wealth? What are you, the family pet?

This is mental. "I'm happily married but thinking of divorcing him just incase......"

He's not died and your talking about remarriage, if you did that then you would get legal advice to stop it passing to your new husband ie. new will drawn up, tenants in common, trust deed etc. all of which you could do now if this is such a concern to you to protect yourself and him financially in the future.

You do realise that inheritance is not considered a marital asset in divorce anyway?

Only if it has been used for the benefit of both parties/put in a joint account and it can be proved the other party had access to it that might change.

I'm still legally married to my ex husband, we've been separated for over a decade, his father died last year and left him half a million. I don't expect to see any of it.

Not right for you to divorce and leave all the hard decisions about your children's inheritance to their Dad.
Your children will benefit from your input and you would be the obvious trustworthy gatekeeper to their investments if your DH passes earlier than expected.
Just make it clear and legal when you are both writing up Wills together, that any extra inheritance that comes from DH's parents doesn't go to you.

Everything you have both earnt throughout the marriage is fair to be thought of as a result of equal efforts.

You might want to invest time in planning for your needy child. Teach them independent living so they're less likely to be a burden on their siblings, you, or waste their share of any inheritance.

Let us know how a divorce to protect "your" money, dressed up as a favour to your wife goes 🤣

Don’t be so silly!

Also, surely no woman is stupid enough to agree to a voluntary divorce of 5050 for "financial reasons"... it smacks of DH having something waiting in the wings, be it another woman, a windfall or something else, and wanting to come off better before the shit hits the fan.

This is one of the more bonkers ideas I have seen on Mumsnet.
Put these mad ideas out of your head OP.

I guarantee if you went through with this plan it would backfire badly. Like posts I sometimes read on X where one party of a relationship (usually the man) suggests "opening up" the relationship/marriage to inject some excitement. The other party is hurt but agrees to keep the peace and suddenly discovers they are very desirable and get lots of hot dates. Meanwhile party No1, who often already has their eye on someone at work or otherwise known to them gets rejected and has no luck in the dating market and suddenly regrets the suggestion. But poof - the damage is done and the relationship is over.

In your case your husband would be confused and hurt, your PILs would be outraged, people would talk. There is very likely someone in the wings who hasn't even considered your husband as he's not available, but suddenly, when available and in need of comfort, they would make their move. Or he might be targeted by a real gold digger, they are out there, keeping an eye open for opportunities. Before you knew it you would be out on your ear, the divorce a reality and probably on unfavourable terms due to your plan.

Even discussing this with your husband is a risk, it will put thoughts and worries in his head.

Do not mention this to your husband.
Put all thoughts of this out of your head.

Take PP advice re wills and trusts - you can simply tell your husband you are worried about long term security for your autistic child and need a watertight plan incase one of you pops off.

With kindness, I think you need to get help. By your own account he's a lovely man and you've been equal contributors to your family set up. This reads a lot like self sabotage.

OP, I get the sentiment...it seems you would feel uncomfortable benefiting from money you don't feel entitled to - your inlaws may have contributed to this feeling with comments over the years or maybe you were brought up to see that thinking as 'right' and 'moral'.

Maybe you dont feel comfortable inheriting money from a family who you believe would resent it...I wouldnt either...the difference is i dont have children so its a whole different ball game.

I dont think you're crazy or want a divorce...but i think in trying to do the right thing you've come up with a very panicked and misguided 'solution'. Im sure if you see a solicitor, there are lots of ways you ensure you stay true to what you feel 'right' without going so far the other way you create a financial pickle or break the bond of a lovely marriage.

Maybe mention to your DH how you've been feeling (without telling him about your divorce idea) im sure he will set your mind at rest.

A happy marriage shouldn’t work like this! You’re overthinking all this.

I received a very large family inheritance while my second DH was still alive.

I gave some (large amounts) to my adult kids, and the rest went into our joint account. I saw it as OUR money - we’d been poorer together, now we weren’t so poor together. We enjoyed life. 🤷‍♀️

We had the security of knowing we could pay for care etc if we needed to.

He died first, but if I’d died first, I was happy to leave it to him.

A happy marriage is priceless - don’t cause problems for nothing. 😊

But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me.

There are ways to prevent this. And if you don't feel they are water tight enough, you're under no obligation to remarry.

Seek legal advice anyway - possibly separately from your husband.

And don't make any rash decisions for quite a white because your thinking sounds very disordered.

Pressed the wrong button. You are 100% being unreasonable! Getting divorced even though you are happy together cos of the money issue. I feel you may be depressed and not realise it to come up with such a plan.

As a SAHM with him owning and running/co-running a family business I trust he has been paying you £12k a year from the company. He should have been.

Most women don’t remarry, I know I certainly wouldn’t as it makes life so so much more complicated!

Very weird. Even if you divorced later on, you don't have to take half his money just because you can?!! Have a word with yourself OP, you're being silly. This is all in your control.

This is one of the daftest things I’ve ever read on here.

You and your husband are a team! You worked together to build up that business / buy out his dad - him by working in the business, and you by raising your joint three children, including one with SEN, and doing everything that was needed in the home / for the family. That is work, and it enabled your DH to do his side of things.

You’re the opposite of a gold digger - you’re a gold provider if anything.

As others have said, making wills can prevent the problems you envisage in your imaginings. And also - don’t remarry if you don’t want another man to get this money! Or if you do, make a new will in favour of your children.

You do realise you could just choose not to take any of it if you split and choose not to remarry right? Why divorce now? I think it’s a really stupid idea

But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me.

You write a will that stops this happening! It's actually not difficult, although you'll need to find and pay a solicitor with expertise in family trusts.

@Changeofnameforprivacy I hope you're feeling better now in the day time.

But it might be worth trying to think through why you started to think about this in the wee small hours.

It sounds as though you've internalised your in-laws' rather prejudiced views of you.

It may be that your DH is contemplating the end of his working life while yours never really started. Do you want to think about working outside the home?

It may be that your DC's difficulties are very difficult for you, too, and you need a break! Respite from the relentless nature of caring with no end in sight, whereas your DH can contemplate a leisurely retirement. You also have a sibling who may need care.

I always think that money in families means more than just the money. It might be worth you exploring what the money means to you, and why you concocted this mad hare-brained scheme at midnight!

Hope you find your way through this

This is crazy OP. If you don't think it's fair that you could take half his inheritance in a potential future divorce...then just don't go for his inheritance if you divorce in the future.

If you don't think it's fair that if he died you would inherit and then could re marry, then don't re marry or make sure that you set up a trust for your children first.

You are sounding like you want to protect him from possible future selfish behaviour from you, when you are in control of that behaviour and can make sure you treat him fairly