Thinking of divorcing to protect his inheritance

[Changeofnameforprivacy]

Ok this is going to be a weird one.

With dh for 21 years and a sahm for 18 years by mutual agreement. When we met he was working in his dad’s business, owned his (mortgaged) house. I had a small amount of savings, earned slightly more than him. I lost my job a couple of months before we married, when my skills became obsolete and I started retraining. Then got pregnant and recession hit, and no one was hiring in my new field. I didn’t intend to become a sahm, but we decided to have a second dc while the job market was depressed rather than spreading our family out as we’d initially planned. Dc2 turned out to be dc2 and dc3. Then dc1 was diagnosed with autism and I’ve been as sahm ever since.

Since then, fil retired and dh bought the company off him, paying him in instalments over 15 years. We’ve had some lean years when the company struggled. I would have liked to get back to work but we’d have been worse off financially and had a lower standard of living too. But I’ve always felt that my contribution was equal to dh’s, just different and he has said similar.

However, things are about to change. Dh has negotiated the sale of the company at a very good price, with plans to retire in 5 years time (18 months to complete the sale, with a 3 and a half year earn out). Eventually (hopefully not for a long time though) we anticipate a significant inheritance from his dps who are elderly and in declining health. They have significant investments, and even if they need expensive healthcare couldn’t spend it all. On the other hand I don’t expect to inherit anything from mine as I have a sibling with extra needs who will have to be provided for, and may even need some help from usgoing forward. I’m feeling deeply uncomfortable about it all.

Up to now, if we had broken up, I’d have had no hesitation about dividing the assets down the middle. Despite not contributing financially, I’ve pulled my weight and supported dh’s career at every turn, and done the lions share of parenting. But this money feels like his family money - a company his dad set up, inheritance from them. It feels like the balance of power has tilted. Up to now either of us could have walked away, but now I feel he will be trapped.

We could draw up an agreement that I wouldn’t get any of this money in the event of a split but it wouldn’t stand up if I changed my mind later. I know I keep talking about splitting up, and it’s not on our radar at all. We’re very happy together. But one of the strengths of modern marriage is that people can call time if needed, and walk away if they’re no longer happy.

But another scenario is that if he died and I remarried and his family money could be inherited by another man. That just doesn’t feel right to me.

I’ve been lying here in bed, turning this over and over in my head since he told me this earlier today and I think the fairest solution would be for us to divorce now, draw up a fair settlement and then just continue to cohabitate. The dc would inherit everything, as is fair. They’ll all be adults by the time he retires so I wouldn’t have to be involved at all.

Knowing him, he won’t see it like this at all. But honestly I think I’m right about this. AIBU?

Your children will actually inherit less if you separate. Your DH by himself can leave up to £500,000 worth of assets before any inheritance tax is due (presuming that a primary residence is included within that). A married couple can leave up to £1 million tax free.

If you’re so worried about a future partner of yours stealing part of your children’s inheritance, the very simple solution is for you to simply choose not to date again or remarry in the event of your separation from your husband or his death.

Do you have your own pension? If not, do not get divorced. If you've been a SAHM all these years and his pension has been building up and not yours, then you need to start paying something into yours ASAP. You should have 18 years (or whatever it is) of pension contributions behind you by now, whether from working or from the family income via your dh making those contributions. If you haven't, then you need to change that.

You've been working unpaid looking after children, to enable your dh to work for pay, so you have in effect been working for his income too (as he couldn't have got it without your labour as a SAHM). You are absolutely not gold-digging if you pay attention to your own financial health, or share in the benefits of an inheritance. You're meant to be a team! There will presumably have been years with extra expense, too, and there will be in the future.

Also, staying as part of a financial team (through marriage) with your dh is the best way by far to protect your children's future financial health, too. This can be by making sure that if he dies before you you have plenty of money to support them while they still need it, by making the most of inheritance tax allowances so they get more money when they eventually inherit from you, and also by ensuring that you will have the funds for your own old age after he dies. Overthinking like this, and impoverishing yourself when no one's asking you to, just because you feel hypersensitive about your in-laws, is going to make things harder for your kids in the future, too (even if they inherit the money instead of you), because you won't be able to be as independent as you would be otherwise.

Please try to stop overthinking this!

This is mad, if I sold a family business I wouldn’t want to divorce DH to protect my inheritance. I’d want him and my kids to be taken care of. I already told DH that if we divorced I wouldn’t remarry to protect DD’s assets (I’m done with childbearing). Thats the best way to look at it.

Just because your in-laws think your a gold digger doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it. Fairly sure thats how my in-laws see me, don’t give a shit because I’m not plus DH doesn’t have much gold to dig.

As long as he keeps what he inherits separate you wouldn’t get any of it in a divorce anyway. If he does something like pay off the mortgage with some it that would be counted as a joint asset but then but otherwise it’s solely his.

Bonkers. You can write wills to protect family money.

What is it you’re really worried about? What does all this money stand for?
Or is it the prospect of change - your DH retiring? Or is it that your life isn’t what you planned?

The money coming from your in- laws is a symptom of something else. What is that something?

What on earth are you smoking?

Very bloody odd. If you suggest divorce and your DH decides to actually split with you instead of cohabiting then what the hell would you do? You’ve no job, no savings and no earning potential. How would you support yourself and your kids? If you’re willing to throw the divorce word around then you should consider it from all angles.

your contribution has been raising the family and you’ve given up the prospects of having a successful career in the past to do it. If you feel like you’d like to contribute financially now the kids are growing up or build a career for yourself then you could get a job but honestly this suggestion of yours is madness. People are not being unkind to point that out

This is batshit. If you’re happy together stay together married. If you did later split up, you could always choose not to take half of everything if you feel strongly about it.

Your ideas are borne come from not feeling good enough for DH due to in laws having more than you / your family. You feel that you are not a true part of DHs family, so you’ve started to overthink the ‘inheritance’.

If they view you or your contribution as inferior, the absolute worst thing you could do is validate that. Divorce would also mean your DC pay more inheritance tax later down the line, and likely weaken your relationship. All that for what? So you can ‘prove’ yourself to people who don’t like you?

You're spiralling.

What if you die (or divorce) and your dh marries someone else? Where does that leave your childrens future inheritance?

I don't think that 21 years of budgeting while raising children, running a household and sacrificing your career for his really counts as gold digging.

Why is your self esteem so low?

Have you been sniffing glue?

OP, get up! Get out of bed! Start searching the house, clearly there are some sort of fumes in the room for you to be thinking like this!

As per your first line, yes this is weird.

There has to be more to this.

I think getting to the route of the actual issue will be a whole lot better than an unnecessary divorce.

You're catastrophising. Please stop it.

You'll sabotage what sounds like a perfectly good marriage at this rate.

If the DH in the situation asked about divorcing the mother of his three children (one of whom is disabled), whose work as a SAHP parent had allowed him up build a successful business, just so that she didn't get her hands on any money from the sale of the company or inheritance, that DH would be hauled over the coals for cruelty - and rightly so. Absolute madness.

family lawyer here
have a chat with a divorce lawyer

1. inherited funds aren’t shared on divorce unless required to meet needs
2. you could have a post nup that will hold weight, a divorce is unnecessary

Wtf are you on about.

Do not tell your DH who you love and are actually very happy with that you want a divorce for some misplaced matyrdom reason.

If he did die and you subsequently met someone else you can still choose to pass money to your kids, it's not automatic. Or you just opt not to re marry.

Awwww OP

You sound like this has really thrown you for a loop somehow. But PP are right, you are a team. Why would you put a bomb under your marriage? It's a good marriage isn't it?

Divorce isn't just a bit of paper. I would be really, really hurt if I was your DH for you thinking this way. He would be thinking you don't love him and the inheritance is an excuse.

And he could well end up marrying someone else who would disinherit your children!

The best way to protect everyone, you, your DH and your DC is to stay married and work on your feelings of low self esteem/inadequacy. Get some therapy.

The in laws views don't matter.

Definitely give your head a wobble OP this is crazy talk

So let's just assume things go the way you're thinking "what if" about.

Despite loving DH and having what seems like a wonderfully balanced relationship with great team working over the years, you might find yourself wanting to divorce him, and if you do you'd be fair and split it by half, but what if you suddenly turned mean bitch and tried to rob him of his inheritance that you feel you're not morally entitled to? So 'Nice You' wants to protect his assets from new out-of-the-blue personality change 'Evil You'? Am I following this correctly?

Get a post-nup agreement written up with a solicitor. I know someone who did this to protect inheritance that went towards a house deposit. It technically could have been argued against in any divorce but it's very presence would have indicated their intentions to not do things 50/50. A lot of this depends on exactly how stubborn Future Evil You is when it comes to battling through court.

He can draw up a will and leave his inheritance to the kids or you can just give it to them if he pre deceases you and the inheritance comes to you.
You certainly don’t need to divorce. This is your ‘monkey’ night time brain being very irrational .

Gently I would suggest some counselling to explore or try to bolster your self worth. In the scenario you describe you have been pivotal to his success. Don't take that away from yourself. And frankly if you said to your husband what you wrote in your post he would probably think you were mad. Just enjoy what's coming in terms of material success and stop feeling guilty.

Wtf? Just draw up wills so that the kids get his inheritance not you if you feel that strongly about it. You need legal advice not a divorce.

Do you think your dh would have given up his job, his status and his independence to be a stay at home dad and carer to his autistic child? Your role in this relationship is just as much about his life choices as yours. You are in danger of becoming a martyr through a misplaced sense of guilt. You need to value yourself a lot more than you do.

Oh no! I am still blissfully happy being married to my wildly successful husband who comes from a very wealthy family. What will happen if he gets even richer? Argh! What a dilemma!

Sounds to me like you actually want a divorce and are trying to justify it in your head, either that or you have completely lost your marbles.