DH withdrawing too much cash

[scotspancake86]

A bit of backstory; DH has a history of drinking, using credit cards to buy alcohol, and hiding alcohol from me. He’s cut down recently, though have noticed £150 a month is going from our current account. I’ve never seen him use cash before, all his other purchases are covered by card. I calmly asked if he knew what the cash withdrawals were for and he said ‘bits and bobs’, £90 has been used in the last two weeks whilst he’s been at home, and every expense in this time is covered by our direct debit card. He’s also going to bed after 4am 4/5 times a week, he says he’s watching films and think he is. I think I just need to write this down to tell myself that something is going on. I know if I pursue this issue with him further he’s going to say it’s his money and he can do what he wants (though it’s a joint account and we earn similar amounts). Though I can’t just leave it, it’s so much money. I don’t know what to stand up to him. AIBU to ask him what’s going on?

Sounds like coke to me

start withdrawing the same amount in cash every month & stash it away (or put it in a seperate account only you can access) as part of your LTB long game

I think what it is, is a red herring. It's something. If it's not booze, it's something else he has no control over and shouldn't be doing. I would challenge him to prove that this wasn't the case.

Coke.

I’d be setting an alarm for 02:30am quietly getting up and waking in on him when he’s sure to think you’ll be asleep. I agree it’s probably coke. If he was drinking until 4am you would probably smell stale booze off him the next day.

Cash is not the problem here - the fact that you are married to an alcoholic or drug addict is the issue. You know what this brings - including lies and deception. You need to address the underlying issue - is he getting help (presumably not if he's still drinking/using), are you prepared to leave if things don't change?

You know something is wrong and that he has an addiction, and you’re monitoring his spending which tells me you’ve lost trust. I honestly wouldn’t notice, much less question my DH withdrawing £30 at a time over a month, the fact that you do tells me you’re deeply concerned. His general behaviour reinforces that concern and rightly so.

Having a very straight conversation - not in terms of “what are you doing” but laying out the impact his behaviour has on you and the kids is key. I’d be laying it all out - he’s staying up till all hours in the morning, not a available to you and the kids for half the day, tired and grumpy with the kids, smelling of alcohol (how pleasant for you). I’d be setting out the impact on your relationship - the distrust you have for him, impact on intimacy, you being left to fill in the gaps in his availability and shielding your kids from his alcohol use. If you really think about it, you’ll have adapted family life to accommodate his drinking in ways that just feel normal to you to the point where it’s second nature and you don’t even notice it any more.

Hes able to adjust his behaviour to accommodate work, so he does have some control over it - and is using that control to prioritise work over family life. Perhaps because he knows he could lose his job but his family will stick around?

It almost doesn’t matter whether it’s drink, drugs, gambling, sex - he has something he values more than you and the kids that he prioritises and which is undermining your relationship and family life. Thats what I’d be focussing on and setting out clear boundaries around. He changes his engagement in family life, gets whatever treatment he needs to facilitate that change and rebuilds his relationship with you.

He’s clearly an alcoholic… this can’t be news to you.
Honestly- does he want to change? It seems not from your post. On that basis I can’t see how you can stay in your marriage with him… he’s not your partner, probably will have a problem for life.. the trust is already broken.
Ive heard good things about AA support groups for families of alcoholics. Good luck x

You can't cure an alcoholic so your only choice really is to leave. Or stay and accept that you live with an alcoholic.

Is there any reason why you can't also take £150 a month out of the joint account and put it in savings in your own name?

You could be right
Would explain as well why he's able to stay up every night awake till early hours.......

Coke is about £70 a gram now where I live (northern Uni town), I'd be surprised at the amounts you're talking.

However it's a possibility- people who like to drink a lot often get onto coke as it 'sobers them up' for a bit so they can drink more.

You say your children are 11+. They already know.

"They often ask when I’d Dad back and enjoy his company."
Or, they are anxious about what he is doing when he is out of sight. They see him at the weekends, "him being pretty moody, and waking up late". They see him.

"I do find empties, but he’s great at hiding them under recycling."
Tip the recycling bin out, and fish them all out. Line the empties up on the kitchen table. Look at how much it amounts to. Leave them there. Let him see them. Let the kids see them. Right now, you're facilitating him by allowing him to 'hide' it. Except it's not actually hidden. You see it and the kids see the results. Bring it out into the open.

Alcoholism apart, and if it's £150 pcm, how big a problem is it? However, if my DH started scrutinising my bank account and questioning me withdrawing £150pcm in cash, (coffees, car valet, various small purchases), I'd leave him and we have been married for nearly 35 years. It woukd indicate the absence of any mutual respect or trust.

Yes, I can’t understand why you haven’t already gone downstairs in the early hours of the morning to see what he’s doing. You could always claim to be getting yourself a glass of water, if you’re worried about his reaction to you going down.

Absolutely this before you are penniless. He is an alcoholic and you both know it. You can't help him and you don't deserve to live such a life.

It woukd indicate the absence of any mutual respect or trust.

Addicts are notoriously untrustworthy.

i have gone down many a times! To ask him to come to bed etc, he’s often drinking. Sometimes not. Always watching some sort of TV.

Also think cocaine more likely.. My DP has had quite significant problems with alcohol but when he was buying and hiding it it never flagged as unusual as it was always just £30 at Tesco on the account or similar . He could always say he was buying teabags and milk! No need for payment in cash at all