DH withdrawing too much cash

[scotspancake86]

A bit of backstory; DH has a history of drinking, using credit cards to buy alcohol, and hiding alcohol from me. He’s cut down recently, though have noticed £150 a month is going from our current account. I’ve never seen him use cash before, all his other purchases are covered by card. I calmly asked if he knew what the cash withdrawals were for and he said ‘bits and bobs’, £90 has been used in the last two weeks whilst he’s been at home, and every expense in this time is covered by our direct debit card. He’s also going to bed after 4am 4/5 times a week, he says he’s watching films and think he is. I think I just need to write this down to tell myself that something is going on. I know if I pursue this issue with him further he’s going to say it’s his money and he can do what he wants (though it’s a joint account and we earn similar amounts). Though I can’t just leave it, it’s so much money. I don’t know what to stand up to him. AIBU to ask him what’s going on?

My first thought was coke.

@scotspancake86 not really immediately helpful but I’d copy his withdrawals. Take out the same amount if you can and start a secret fund if you have t already got one.

you say you can’t leave yet but are you planning to? Is it a case of ducks in a row and sorting out a home/finances or something to do with the children/their ages or health?

good luck

Yeah I was thinking coke too.

Alcohol purchases are easily hidden on debit card transactions, but dealers want cash.

He has traded one addiction for another, or possibly he always used coke but when he quit the booze, the coke use increased.

Thanks for your replies. Crickey, had not thought of drugs. He doesn’t seem to out of character if I do see him late at night. Sounds stupid, but wouldn’t it be obvious if he was on coke? He knows I am suspicious of this money now, as when I asked him about the withdrawals he just got up and left the bedroom and didn’t come back in. I’m going to ask for an answer tomorrow and see what happens. Regarding leaving, we have just finished spending years renovating a lovely house in a good area right next to a great school. I couldn’t afford a place any where as nice myself. The kids love him, and despite being useless until lunch time does (sort of) pull his weight in the afternoons. I see it as just tipping in favour of staying for an easier/happier life for the kids. I just have to hang in there and try and make it work until kids (age 11+) are out of school, and try to work on my happiness. Thanks again for replies….

Open your eyes op. He’s an alcoholic.

100% it is not better staying for the kids. That’s just an excuse.

look up ‘adult children of alcoholics’ for what you will be doing to them by choosing to stay.

My Dad is an alcoholic. My mum stayed ‘for the kids’. We all have issues now (me and siblings). And the person who I resent the most is my mother - she wasn’t brave enough to leave him when she should have been the adult and done the right thing. She believed his lies when he said he was cutting down etc. I have a poor relationship with her now as an adult and I’ve had years of counselling to help with the trauma.

BTW she would also say we loved him, that we weren’t aware as she shielded us from the worst. We were completely aware. It’s impossible to hide.

it’s also not a static illness. He will get worse.

you need to stop burying your head in the sand here. Sorry to sound harsh but you need to hear this.

I’d never trust him and is a good example of why women should have and control their own money . Looks like he’s leading you down a path that won’t end well .

I wouldn't want to be in a situation where I needed to monitor someone else's spending. It doesn't really matter what he is doing with the money. The problem is you can't trust him.

OP, it probably wouldn’t be obvious if he was taking coke. If anything, it would ‘straighten him out’ from the drink. He would, at first glance at least, seem quite sober and together. He’s possibly looking at porn/maybe even cam girls or something like that while he’s downstairs. The main issue though, as PP said, is that you can’t trust him.
try and have a chat with him, try and come from a place of care and concern; you never know he might open up and admit things have got out of hand.
wish you the best of luck with it all.💚🤞

What a loser, sitting in his living room snorting coke until 4am every day.

If he was drinking wouldn’t you be able to tell/smell it on him? My dh only needs to have one or two and I can tell straight away.

Have you not popped downstairs at 1/2am to see what he’s up to?

Sounds like you are hoping it will be good enough for the medium term. Please at least make plans to protect yourself and your children practically, financially and emotionally from the potential decline into full blown addiction. Don’t put your career and life on the back burner for the sake of his.

Also, you can buy drug testing kits for use at home, so you could swab his wallet/laptop etc to see if it tests positive for coke.

Put your kids first for Gods sake

He’s an addict, he’s drinking or maybe drugs. It will grind you down. You don’t want to leave because of being able to afford a nicer place, if he becomes an unfunctional alcoholic can you afford the house yourself? Or will you be happy when instead of functional in the afternoon it becomes the evenings or night before he can pull himself around?
as people tend to spiral down when they don’t want to get help.

Cocaine especially if hes up till 4am, most acoholics would fall asleep after getting pissed not stay up till 4am most nights. You would be suprised some cocaine addicts are extremely good at hiding it.

I’d imagine it’s cocaine. I’d also imagine your children are aware they have a useless father. Kids are extremely perceptive. It’s up to you, but in a situation where there’s an alcoholic, potentially drug-taking parent in the house, one who’s pretty much checked out of parenting, I’d be getting my ducks in a row PDQ. His moods will only worsen over time.

Do you have your own individual current account? If not, I'd say open one, have your wages paid into it and just pay into the joint account from there for household bills etc.

Does sound dodgy of him, especially the refusal to discuss it, sorry.

It doesn’t sounds like @scotspancake86 actually wants advice because she doesn’t want to change anything for her nice house. As a child of an alcoholic, as kids grow up they see and feel more than you ever know and it can absolutley damage them, if imagibe it’s the same for a coke head who is in bed till lunchtime too.

I’d set an alarm for 3am and go downstairs and see. Do you have a ring doorbell so you can see if he leaves the house? Or set up some kind of camera in the living room

Can you at least protect yourself by separating your finances? Each have your own bank account and transfer money to a join account for shared bills. A specific amount that is not to be drawn out again?
If it IS drugs or alcohol this could easily escalate, him having access to all your wages as well sounds unsafe to me.

With my ex H it was sex workers

To add, I might be willing to offer support for alcohol (if he will accept a problem and get help) provided his behavior generally wasn't affecting the children, but if I thought anyone was bringing drugs and/or drug dealers to my home with my children in that would be a hard no and relationship ending.

My partner is a functioning alcoholic and does all of the things you describe. Buys alcohol with cash and does that every day. Goes to bed very late, gets up in the afternoon. I would say that your husband probably isn't doing anything in the middle of the night other than watching telly and drinking. But the amount of his cash withdrawals aren't, to me, enough for a big drinker. He could have maxed out his cc or he could be trying to use cash as a method of controlling his drinking. But if he's a wine drinker I would expect his monthly out lay to be a lot more. So maybe it is drugs. Or maybe he's just trying to drink less, spend less and do it with real money. I think you should ask him to give a bit more detail about what he's doing and if it is booze see if he's open to some professional help before he escalates. Drugs I don't know anything about but again is he open to help. I do sympathise. I don't have children with my partner so you have that extra worry. And to be honest it's a tricky way to live when your "partner" is out of action because they are sleeping it off. Good luck.

That’s a lot of money. I do find that cash just disappears but if he’s working from home and you can see all his regular spending it’s hard to see where else it would be going.

Appreciate it’s not easy to just leave, but you need to ensure you’re protecting your finances as you can’t afford your current lifestyle without him or if this escalates and he’s spending hundreds a month. So any time he takes cash out, do the same and put it into your own account. Or have your salary deposited into your own account and move the money for your portion of the bills.

The problem by then is that you'll be left living with a sad alcoholic and kids that see more as they grow up.

and what money are you saving being with him if he's withdrawing £150 a month? You've renovated, can sell and start over. Plenty of kids are raised in smaller homes in less that naice areas and with a happy single parent.

Basically you can easily convince yourself to stay if that's what you want, but own it. Own it and decide that if you're turning a blind eye to prevent an atmosphere and argument, then just leave him to it and make the best of it.

But if you decide to challenge him you sort of need to see it through. Even if its not a plan to leave now.