DH withdrawing too much cash

[scotspancake86]

A bit of backstory; DH has a history of drinking, using credit cards to buy alcohol, and hiding alcohol from me. He’s cut down recently, though have noticed £150 a month is going from our current account. I’ve never seen him use cash before, all his other purchases are covered by card. I calmly asked if he knew what the cash withdrawals were for and he said ‘bits and bobs’, £90 has been used in the last two weeks whilst he’s been at home, and every expense in this time is covered by our direct debit card. He’s also going to bed after 4am 4/5 times a week, he says he’s watching films and think he is. I think I just need to write this down to tell myself that something is going on. I know if I pursue this issue with him further he’s going to say it’s his money and he can do what he wants (though it’s a joint account and we earn similar amounts). Though I can’t just leave it, it’s so much money. I don’t know what to stand up to him. AIBU to ask him what’s going on?

What would happen if you withdrew £150 a month?

This is joint money he is taking. I assume you have a budget and an amount of fun money you’re able to take each month, plus savings and pensions etc. So if he is taking an extra £150 then it is affecting your family. You need to have it out with him, including his late nights and refusal to do equal parenting.

I mean, it really just sounds like you need to leave him actually. Why aren’t you? Don’t say finances; anyone can manage. It’s always possible if you can be bothered to push through the difficult part at the start when everything has to separate and property sold and moving etc.

My DH is sober now but we had years of this. He was buying cheap cider/beer but a lot of it, always in cash because he knew I'd see it on the bank statement, and it crept slowly to around £80 a week by the end. He'd lie about needing a part for the car and use money for beer.

A drink didn't make him sleepy, instead it seemed to wake him up- he'd be up until 4am (like your DH) watching crap TV. Eventually the alcohol made him both paranoid and depressed, lie ins that initially went until 11am became 5pm and he stopped being functional. His weight ballooned (a very good indicator of alcoholism tbh) and his eyes and skin were an absolute state.

I'm sorry for how bleak this sounds, but I wish I'd confronted the problem much earlier. It crept up on us over a period of years and the addiction only grew in intensity, never going away on its own. Confronting it is a horrible process, and in the end I told him (and meant it) that I would leave unless we saw the GP and he started a program to become sober. Men are particularly difficult with this, adamant that they don't need anyone's help and that they just need to cut back, but I was very clear that we wouldn't be doing anything on our own because it just tempts you both to hide the problem further and that leads more easily to relapse.

I hope you find a way through this together (if that's what you want). I'm glad we stayed together, he's the man I love all over again, but it was a long road.

Staying awake that late with just alcohol would suprise me...it would knock him out. I would look more towards cocaine use if I'm honest.

How much coke does £150 buy? Enough for an addict?

Genuine question.

I agree with Purplethistle; take out the same amount of cash that he does. That way all your savings won't be going up his nose/in the brewery pockets. And put it somewhere safe, easy to grab in a hurry. You may need it for emergency accommodation, or a rental deposit on a flat. He won't be able to say anything, even if he does notice, without being a total hypocrite.

This OP, separate some of your money. If it is coke, or similar, it's likely to escalate.

If he's drinking there's empties...

Please don’t sacrifice your children for a nice house in a nice area. They WILL be damaged by their father’s alcohol abuse. You may think it doesn’t affect them now, but it does, and it will inevitably get worse unless he finds a way of getting sober. Which he won’t unless he really, really wants to, and few alcoholics truly want to give up.

Yes, my view as well.

OP, first you need to protect your finances. I’d set up your own account, and have your money paid into that. You only pay what is needed for bills and food etc into the joint account. This is what many couples including DH & I do in any case. Tell him you’re not tolerating these withdrawals anymore. He is free to do the same, so all his private spending has to come from him.

Second, you need to know what he is doing, so do as pps have advised, or at least order the drug testing kits pp have mentioned and check for traces of drugs on what he handles regularly.

If he’s doing coke in your home he needs to go now. If he’s doing coke don’t, you need to end this, move out and force the sale. Do not expose your DC to drugs because your house is nice.

If it gets out to parents at your DCs’ school that he does coke prepare to face some problems. My DC would never have been allowed at a friend’s house if I knew the parent does drugs there. Not for one hour. I’m sure I’m not the only person with zero tolerance of coke who won’t expose their DC to it.

A safe, drug-free home is more important than a large, well furnished home.

If you're staying, I'd turn the joint account you already have into a bills account and only put into it your share of the bills. Keep the rest in an account of your own. Tell him what you have done and explain that if there is insufficient money in the account at any time to pay the bills you will divorce him.

about 3 grams. So not a lot- but it is particularly toxic when combined with alcohol. Likely to lead to long term liver damage,

Would he need more and more to sustain a habit?

Usually. But it depends really how much he is drinking. Coke lets you drink more- one of the reasons it is so harmful

Regardless of whether it's alcohol, coke, gaming, whatever it is isn't good for your DH, your marriage or your family life.

At some point it will have an impact on his health and/or work.

I don't think ignoring it is an option, OP. Can you find an afternoon when the kids are elsewhere to have a calm talk with him? There's not going to be a quick fix if an addiction is involved unfortunately but talking about it is the first step.

No!

But if he's drinking as well he might just be using enough of it to take the edge off.

Thanks for your replies. I really can’t see that it would be coke, apart from alcohol, he’s pretty against drugs and I have no idea where he’d get it from. The amount that’s coming out regularly is £30, and he does smell of it when he goes to bed, and I do find empties, but he’s great at hiding them under recycling. What is hard for me is he only drinks when the kids are asleep, and is good form when they are back from school so they don’t see it really (apart from the weekends, him being pretty moody, and waking up late). At the moment it’s mostly me it’s impacting, but it’s impacting me a lot. This has been a huge wake up call. I need to talk to him tonight and get answers. It’s been years of me having a talk to him about his drinking, it’s so boring and nothing really changes. I’m going to ask that he goes for counciling or we have marriage counselling. I’ve been asking for you years and he’s always said no, but think it’s time to get tough. Thanks again for your replies

Regarding leaving, we have just finished spending years renovating a lovely house in a good area right next to a great school. I couldn’t afford a place any where as nice myself.

Do NOT sacrifice your children's mental and emotional health for a fucking nice house. Children know when something is not right and they will always blame the person who should have protected them. They'll see their dad as a weak man, they'll see you with hate, anger and resentment. Is that worth a "naice" house?

Start by separating your finances. Then collect all financial statements, and get a one off appointment with a solicitor. After that you could try to save your marriage with a lying addict but they don't tend to change, they just get better at lying.

Edit - we cross posted. Good luck with the counselling, and be tough. He needs to stop drinking permanently especially since he's doing it in secret at night. That's worrying.

A nice house does not compensate for the alcoholic dad who lives in it. He will statistically end up unhealthy and die younger anyway so you need a firm plan to support the family no matter what.

If you are determined to stay then maybe you need to rethink the shared finances. Frame it as 'ok its your money, but you wont talk about it, and actually its OUR money' so Im not prepared to be funding something you are not willing to discuss, so we need to look at how the accounts work.

is it possible to have accounts which dont have the ability to withdraw cash? ie they can be set up for bills but no cards associated with them.

Its a hassle, but perhaps you need to ask him how it can be done fairer. Or you withdraw, £ for £ what he mysteriously spends and put it in your private savings...... can you afford that?

But yes, I agree with the others, its something addictive that he doersnt want you knowing about, and thats likely the big issue here

No expert here but wouldn't you be able to smell alcohol? Sorry, just seen your previous post.

Getting tough is a good idea. It's really not a good idea to stay with an alcoholic or let the kids grow up with an alcoholic dad. He needs to sort himself out before he can be a real partner or parent - and he might not. Alcoholics often choose the alcohol. But you just can't turn a blind eye to this and pretend everything is OK. He's being secretive and his behaviour is spiralling and you need to prioritise yourself and your kids.

He's obviously taking the money out as cash so you can't immediately see that he's using it to buy booze.

He's buying drink with that money. I absolutely guarantee it.

This. He is drinking. Buying in cash or cash back on supermarket shops or whatever.

He is drinking though and lying and hiding it.

You're deluded if you think staying with him will be better for the kids. It does kids no good to grow up with an alcoholic and useless father.

The kids absolutely know something isn’t right. It’s not normal to never see your father before noon on the weekends or to have him be grumpy nonstop. My husband’s parents are alcoholics and it absolutely affected him and his sister even though they were a functioning family in many ways.