DH withdrawing too much cash

[scotspancake86]

A bit of backstory; DH has a history of drinking, using credit cards to buy alcohol, and hiding alcohol from me. He’s cut down recently, though have noticed £150 a month is going from our current account. I’ve never seen him use cash before, all his other purchases are covered by card. I calmly asked if he knew what the cash withdrawals were for and he said ‘bits and bobs’, £90 has been used in the last two weeks whilst he’s been at home, and every expense in this time is covered by our direct debit card. He’s also going to bed after 4am 4/5 times a week, he says he’s watching films and think he is. I think I just need to write this down to tell myself that something is going on. I know if I pursue this issue with him further he’s going to say it’s his money and he can do what he wants (though it’s a joint account and we earn similar amounts). Though I can’t just leave it, it’s so much money. I don’t know what to stand up to him. AIBU to ask him what’s going on?

Quite apart from the impact on your children and you, he is taking joint money to spend on himself. At the least, take an equal amount aside and put it in a sole account in your name, as the start of
your fund for leaving, because if he doesn’t stop drinking and lying then you WILL have to leave.

I wrote a post recently about my partner doing the exact same. She was withdrawing cash for weed and alcohol. They try and hide it thinking that you'll not notice. It turned into a continuous circle of lies, stealing and arguing.

He sounds in a very bad way. Dysfunctional sleep schedule, major drinking habit, checking out of family life? Screams depression and addiction, and it sounds as though he needs some proper help and intervention.

He wouldn't be buying a lot of coke for that money.

It's not coke if he's only taking out £30 at a time - it's more like £50 a gram. He's using the cash to buy booze without his wife immediately knowing what he's up to.

A credit card or debit card statement will just show where someone has used the card, not what they've purchased. If it was alcohol, then he could still put this on a card, and the statement would say 'Tesco £90'.

The fact he's withdrawing cash suggests it could be money he's using for a drug habit, likely cocaine or he could be using the cash to buy alcohol.

If you are out to work, and he works from home, then it would be easy enough to have a dealer come to the house (although you'd hope he'd have some sense not to allow this) or for him to collect it somewhere, during the day time. He's then spending his time in front of the TV, snorting drugs up his nose, once you're in bed.

Surely if he was coming to bed, even at 4 am, you'd smell the alcohol on him, if he was drinking?! If you haven't smelt alcohol on him, then I'd say it's drugs.

Your husband is an alcoholic, who is now likely using cocaine. Drug addicts lie and so do alcoholics. They become selfish individuals, who's only concern is their next fix or drink. Your husband has disengaged from family life, and is more than happy to leave being a responsible adult to you.

There may come a point when your husband is unable to function to do his job, and is sacked. You need to start looking at leaving, because your life will continue like this, until it's hit rock bottom. Your husband is dragging you and your children down with him. You need to get yourself out of the relationship, not just for your sake but your children's too.

Yeah I thought this. Surely he could just buy booze with his debit card and it doesn't say what you bought. So he could just say he bought a bunch of sweets or socks or something from a supermarket?

The cash screams drug dealers. Specifically coke. As does the 4am bedtime. He could be doing both obviously. Or more than one type of drug plus drink.

He's an addict, cash is usually drink or drugs.

I do find empties, but he’s great at hiding them under recycling

I'm really sorry OP, but there are probably loads more that you'll never find.

Set up a camera to see what he’s doing until 4am. I’d bet he’s drinking.

To those saying Cocaine, £150 would only get about 2grams (Maybe less). Thats not a lot for a whole month so I’d be more inclined to think secret alcohol purchases, maybe some weed or ket.

And no I don’t do drugs I just speak to people who do through a charity I work for.

He’s an alcoholic but he’s also a prick. The getting up at 11an thing when there’s kids around is awful (mine has done this for years) he won’t change. I would put a plan together to leave. Check out the benefits calculator and type in your details as if you were leaving and taking the kids, there might be more financial help available than you realise plus he would be liable for child maintenance (I assume you would be primary caregiver if he drinks heavily - log evidence of this as men often ask for 50:50 to avoid paying). Good luck.

Your prices are 15 years out of date

£30 is two portions of fish and chips. For some reason many chip shops only take cash.

OP, I think I would start on the secrecy and hiding aspect in your relationship and what that means for your marriage.

She bang on for price where I live.

Is he self employed? I would worry that he will lose his job. WFH doesn’t usually mean starting at lunchtime.

Fair enough. Not what I’ve been told but I suppose I could be wrong/ in an expensive area. Apologies to PP.

@scotspancake86 it may be better to play it canny for the moment.

If you chat with him tonight, he'll likely just lie.

I'd gather more irrefutable evidence and present it, once you have clarity on how exactly you want to proceed.

Would it be of any benefit for you to open your own account, deposit your salary into that and then transfer your share of the bills (which will be obvious) into the joint account?

Seems a bit of a faff but at least your share of the finances won't be used for whatever he's lying to you about.

Good luck lovely 🌸

You most likely live somewhere nice 😂 x

The backstory is the story. It’s likely that he is an alcoholic and buying his booze in cash so you don’t see how much he is drinking. Sorry OP. You say you can’t leave at the moment but you should work on a plan to do so. You should not stay with an addict who isn’t even accepting that he is one and taking steps - much less subject your children to it.

Wish it was fish and chips! As said I’m sure it’s booze as he’s put on a lot of weight, hides bottles etc. He’s very good at hiding it, he prioritises work, does great in his job and doesnt drink the night before he goes into the office. I’d be happy in my own place in a smaller house in a not so nice place, though don’t think the kids don’t see him as I do yet and would be devastated. They often ask when I’d Dad back and enjoy his company. Tonight’s convo will be councilling or next steps in separation (but still living together, until I see affects on kids).

Ignore this if it isn't relevant, but do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around him, or constantly have to justify yourself?

Where does he hide the bottles?
Can you just call him out and ask where the hell the cash is going

I know nothing about drugs, but to me it's a moot point as whether it's alcohol or drugs, living with an addict if a slow descent into hell. And there's no question he's at the very least addicted to alcohol given all you describe.

My DM found Al-Anon extremely helpful when she was in your position. It's for families and friends of alcoholics: al-anonuk.org.uk/

Our story had a happy ending: my DF quit drinking and stayed 100% sober for the rest of his life - almost 30 years. I am incredibly proud of him and eternally grateful to my DM that she found the strength to give him the ultimatum that finally convinced him to get help (and then managed to forgive him for what he put her through to get there).

And I do think the only two options are he quits drinking or you leave with the DC. You cannot spend your life propping up an alcoholic, you will go mad and he will just get worse. The more you enable him, the more he lets himself sink into it: you are already doing so by handling everything when he's sleeping it off. My DM was advised to stop propping my DF up as she'd been doing for years and let him fall, and only when he reached rock-bottom was he able to actually do something about it.

My DM did manage to protect us from it for a while, but when I got to the tween years she couldn't hide it anymore. Your DC might not yet have realised what's going on (although they might understand more than you think), but they will eventually get there. I know how hard he worked to get sober and I have genuinely forgiven the more difficult years. But that's only because he quit when he did, I doubt our relationship would have survived if he'd kept drinking through my teen years.

Your DH is hiding a secret from you that involves lots of cash. He refuses to tell you what he’s spending it on. But you’re going to stay because you have a nice house. Ok good luck.