DH withdrawing too much cash

[scotspancake86]

A bit of backstory; DH has a history of drinking, using credit cards to buy alcohol, and hiding alcohol from me. He’s cut down recently, though have noticed £150 a month is going from our current account. I’ve never seen him use cash before, all his other purchases are covered by card. I calmly asked if he knew what the cash withdrawals were for and he said ‘bits and bobs’, £90 has been used in the last two weeks whilst he’s been at home, and every expense in this time is covered by our direct debit card. He’s also going to bed after 4am 4/5 times a week, he says he’s watching films and think he is. I think I just need to write this down to tell myself that something is going on. I know if I pursue this issue with him further he’s going to say it’s his money and he can do what he wants (though it’s a joint account and we earn similar amounts). Though I can’t just leave it, it’s so much money. I don’t know what to stand up to him. AIBU to ask him what’s going on?

If he withdraws £150 a month you do the same. Keep a fuck off fund in case you want to leave him. If he comments what you are drawing out cash for just reply oh for bits and bobs like you do. He's not trustworthy. Do you really still want to be married to him?

Does he drive your DC anywhere in the afternoons? Are you absolutely sure that the large quantities of alcohol would have left his system?

Without being horrible, you’re not going to leave because you like your house and life too much.
He’s not going to change because he’s an addict so you’re stuck.

This is what I was thinking. Though would have thought it would end up being more than £90 in two weeks.

It probably won’t just be in the evenings op. He’ll be drinking more than that.

he has to want to stop. It can’t come from you. You are hugely in denial here. I would suggest you get your own counselling.

DP has issues with gambling so I mean this kindly but also with experience. He's drinking, he has got better at hiding it from you is all.

Going by personal experience I’d say coke, it’s really not obvious not like alcohol anyway. Look at his pupils, they will be huge for a while after taking it. ‘Swinging jaw’ which can be as subtle as talking through slightly clenched teeth. Staying up til 4am means he avoids you seeing these things and once he’s up and awake the signs will be gone again.

Weight loss is another sign however this is usually when the addiction is severe. Also a runny nose. Check his wallet and bank card for residue. Coke addicts can lie and lie well, they will get defensive when you ask about money and will convince you they are doing nothing wrong. You need to get to the bottom of it op because whatever addiction is is the £150 will soon multiply and so will the lies.

He could be withdrawing it so you don’t know he’s spending it on booze.

You could ask why he spent £50 at Tesco and bought no food home, where as if you just see £50 missing he could say it was for anything.

My first thought was drugs but I think you would notice more behaviour changes.

I would assume he is waiting until you go to bed to start drinking which is why he goes to bed so late.

Give him an ultimatum - he goes to the gp and gets help or you’re over.

The kids might not pick up on it yet but they will do and it’s already affecting them as that money could be used for swimming lessons etc or even put in savings for them.

Is he present after school and on weekends for them?

I don’t know what to advise, but wanted to say well done for being calm, OP. I hope you get some honesty from him soon and can work things out.

He is using sex workers as a way to cope with withdrawal syndrome. If we has taking alcohol or drugs you would have noticed it in his behaviour.
Or it could be she is having an affair and giving her money.
At any rate, you need to hire a private investigator immediately to surveil all his movements and conversations. It is not cheap what it will give you the answers that you need.
Good look, lovely.

He comes to bed smelling of alcohol and she has found empty bottles… so she has noticed … but you think it’s sex workers? Sounds like you’re projecting. What a weird response on this thread.

I missed that. What is it with people being unable to post all the useful information in this opening post?

Yeah, well, a bit of a no-brainer, isn't it ? He is using the cash to buy the booze!!!

Its not a weird response to someone withdrawing money late at night

If you both earn the same then just keep your own money each and have one account where money for bills and shared expenses go. Any money he has left or you is how you want to spend. You both need your own money.
Tho if he was gambling online, or through tv or porn etc it would be a card he would use. Cash seems strange. You could always get up at 3am and go see what he's doing.

If you think your kids aren't affected by seeing one parent lie in bed until the middle of the day (this is NOT normal behaviour - don't normalise it) whilst the other does everything - you are utterly delusional.

They will also probably know he is secretly drinking and be hyper alert. I was as a kid. My dad also stayed up super late to get on with "secret" drinking and had various empties and supplies hidden in random places around the house. I knew about this from the age of about 5. Kids know and see way more than we think. He was a very functioning, totally secret drinker - until he was utterly non-functioning.

He needs to go to AA and admit he's an alcoholic - not attending "counselling". You, sadly, are enabling him by focusing on your big house etc. This will get worse and the people who will suffer most are your kids.

She didn’t say he withdraws it late at night. She has said he is in the house at night. He is withdrawing during the day to buy alcoholic, which he then drinks at night and comes to bed smelling of it and she finds the empty bottles.

He is not seeing sex workers. And it was a very odd response given the information the OP has provided.

To be honest, it’s no weirder than the posters saying he could be using it for drugs or gambling.

He’s obviously doing something dodgy that he doesn’t want OP to trace.

It’s very likely alcohol as he’s a known alcoholic and everything points to that.

This op

I definitely agree that you need separate accounts asap.

I think all couples should have 3 accounts - 1 each and then 1 joint for bills.

It’s likely alcohol which is bad enough but if it was gambling then he could rinse the joint account very quickly.

He is an alcoholic OP, still somewhat functioning but an alcoholic nonetheless and that means you have zero control over what he does. He is controlled by his addiction and no amount of couples counselling or ultimatums from you will make a jot of difference, he has to want to recover.

All you can control is the impact on you and DC and you need to have your eyes wide open to the fact that his addiction could spiral at any moment, don't be lulled into a false sense of security by the fact that things aren't too bad right now. I would get some support from AlAnon in your position, they support the loved ones of people with alcohol problems and can help you figure out the best way forward.

To anyone who has found their partner/husband etc withdrawing cash and found out it was sex workers, its not a weird response at all.

I'm not saying it is that, I'm just saying its not out of the realms of possibility

My ex also drank a lot, but the withdrawals of cash (during the day, on his lunchbreak etc) where for sex workers.

Again, I'm not saying this is what is happening with the OP, but just that its not an 'out there' suggestion. I had no reason to think it was sex workers at all, but it was.

Probably coke

My friends husband used to drink in the mornings and then be “sober” for when the kids got in from school…..

Counselling is a good idea. Make it clear that counselling is non negotiable and he agrees to go to AA or you will end the marriage. Have you looked at getting support from Al anon?

It might be an idea to keep a diary of his misdemeanours (cash withdrawals, not engaging in family life, forcing you to be solely responsible for the kids, discovery of hidden alcohol receptacles etc) for the inevitable split. He does not sound responsible enough to be having the kids alone and I’d be pushing for that in a divorce situation. And I do think you need to be looking towards a divorce. I have known a few alcoholics and the destruction they leave in their wake is catastrophic.