DUMB SHIT People say

[OneDearFawn]

I eat in a local restaurant weekly after work, so I typically go in with no makeup on. I am 35 and suffering with really painful cystic acne. Tried everything, my face is a mess.

Anyway, I go in on New Year’s Eve fully made up in makeup. The owners wife turns to me and says, wow, I didn’t even recognise you with makeup on, you look so much better with makeup on. After seeing I was embarassed and me mumbling ahh I suffer with my skin she stands and lists all the things allergy, hormones, everything as though to help. Yet making me feel worse and more of a spectacle. What she was saying is. God you look dog rough when I see you in the week. You should continue to paint your face to hide the offensive marks. I didn’t fucking appreciate it. Not one bit.

So got me thinking. What dumb shit have people said to you that ruined your day?

This has just unearthed an old memory that I had buried a bit. 😬

When DH and I had been married for 5 years, and were just past 30, we started 'trying for a baby' and I fell pregnant within 2-3 months. My mum never liked DH much (and the feeling was mutual.) He didn't tolerate her bullshit, and she didn't like it. She wasn't a bad mother but she was critical and judgy sometimes.

Anyway, when we told her I was pregnant, she shook her head and said 'oh no!'

DH and I were like I said 'oh no? We're having a baby, we're really excited.' She just sighed and hung her head, and walked off into the kitchen. My dad said 'good luck, you'll need it!' and laughed.

We left shortly after, and as I got into the car, I burst out crying. I said 'for fuck's sake, a little 'that's nice dear' would have done. I wasn't expecting fireworks and party poppers, or a red carpet to be laid out, but the reaction was shocking.

I am one of 7 cousins and was the 6th to have a child, so it wasn't exactly exciting for most of the extended family, but it was going to be their first grandchild.

tl;dr, I gave birth 6 months later, and then had another one less than 2 years later, and my mum (and dad) absolutely adored them. Couldn't do enough for them, and my mum actually said (when they were around 5-6) that they were lovely kids and I was a really good mum. For someone who very rarely complimented me, this was huge. I cried again, but happy tears this time. But yeah, she really upset me with her initial reaction.

.

What people say is more about them than about you. Stop worrying . Stop overthinking it.

@BatchCookBabe re the ginger thing, my Dh is ginger, well was ginger when he had all his hair. My sister is also very vibrant ginger. Many people commented on this while I was pregnant, not blatantly saying it but saying 'would you mind if you had a ginger baby?'

This. As if worrying was a choice. Same as people who say don't be upset.

The thing is, going to the GP and saying 'could my spots be a symptom of an underlying condition?' is unlikely to get you anywhere. I agree with your point, but it was 25 years after I got acne and endometriosis symptoms simultaneously, that I got my endometriosis diagnosis.

Ugh, reminds me of shortly after I got engaged, and were discussing Christmas plans with my family. I was going to be at my in laws, and not with my parents on Christmas day. My mother responded: 'Oh that makes it so much easier as Jules (not real name!) will be there and the fact that her partner hasn't proposed yet is a real sore point. It would have been really difficult for her to have you there.'

I pulled her up on it at the time, and she couldn't see the problem.

As a teenager I had very bad acne. A friend of my gran's, on learning that I was about to visit a warm country, remarked "The weather might help your spots." I was mortified. My mum was constantly trying to reassure me that my skin didn't look too bad, but this proved to me that it did. I cried for the rest of that day.

Oh hearing of the stupid things people say when pregnant, when we announced I was pg with DC1 a distant relative of DH's looked me up and down and said 'Well, you've got your feet under the table properly now haven't you?'.

DH was so incensed that he refused to have anything to with her or go to her funeral some 15 years later from that point on.

People talking about 'mum' ones made me think of a two that weren't aimed at me but was uncomfortable.

When my youngest started school there was an 'event' less than a month in and the parents (who none of us really knew each other yet) where all mingling, people making idol chat etc... One mother was heavily pregnant and people where asking about due date and about potential names etc... and then the conversation turn to baby names.

One dad then announced that he had heard the 'stupidest' baby name the other day (its not even an crazy name, not 'old school traditional name' but fairly tame and common high ranking nature name like Willow). Some other parents then joined in calling it 'unique' and 'modern' with a condescending tittle or talking about people 'just picking any word randomly from a dictionary' but most just went very quiet.

I wasn't really part of the 'chatting' group but we where all sat at the same large table. It went on and on for about 10 minute with them few not dropping it so I felt I had to lean over and said 'you do know you heard that name because it was read out on the class register on the first day, her parents are probably here'. The dad instantly went quiet and a few then started piping up with 'well I think its a lovely name' etc...

I don't know if 'Willows' parents heard but when your in a group with a bunch of complete strangers who you know have kids but you don't know anything else why would you slag off a name that could easily be any of their kids names?

Another one was also a dad on the standard school pick up who turned a polite big standard chat into him just ranting about 'non-British' children at the school and how it would 'steal' places from proper 'British' children. This was peak Ukrainian refugee time. Once again I and several in the playground didn't know him personally we where all just stood together at the pick up point waiting for our kids. He had no idea if any of us are 'British' or not (I am but still, take the racism elsewhere these are little kids just going to school). He seemed to get the message just by how everyone suddenly stopped chatting and there was just dead silence except his rant so he trailed off and went quiet and everyone stood in silence. I think he genuinely thought everyone else would join in and thankfully no one did.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of stigma. And it's due to a lot of pushing of generalising behaviour or assuming everyone is the same. They think they know one, they know us all.

Only got to see the behaviours that everyone attributes to being ND on here. It's absolutely outrageous to insinuate being ND= abusive but so many do. It really stings.

My dad's stepmum to me as an impressionable 10yr old:
Goodness you've put on weight!
Fortunately he went no contact with her soon after, for many reasons. She was a horrible woman.

I suspect that the stigma is only or at least mainly with older adults but I am
totally prepared to believe otherwise. I know a large number of 20-somethings (my DCs, their friends, neighbours, staff at my former workplace) and they are all very accepting of anyone being neurodivergent - but it could
just be that I only know very enlightened young people.

I am late 50s so I also know a large number of people between about mid 40s and mid 70s and many or even most of them give mE a hard time. They make comments such as they can’t see any point in getting diagnosed so late in life, or the diagnoses
are probably wrong because they
have known me for x years and never seen any neurodivergent traits in me, or simply ask what is the point of getting a label. You are definitely correct in your point about if you know one ND person, you only know one .

I had a (now ex) close friend complain to me via whatsapp about something I did or said (can’t remember exactly what). I apologized and explained it was down to autism. She wrote back to me in capitals saying it definitely wasn’t autism because I hadn’t reacted like
that x years ago in the same situation. I had to explain to her that autistic behaviour is usually a response to the environment and
that I was overloaded and heading for burnout. Instead of apologizing, she wrote back to me something like I’d come
up with a clever excuse vey swiftly. I’m glad to say that shortly after that. she dumped me - she certainly saved me a job! IronicallyI would have expected her to be very understanding because she has a serious chronic illness with all sorts of invisible symptoms, plus she works in a clinical job and has patients who she treats (she is not a doctor or a nurse though).

Anyway thank you for commenting. I always like a debate about these matters

I did. The words 'dumb' and 'shit' are not American.

HTH

@LittleGreenDuck that’s just reminded me of about four hours after giving birth to the twins my FIL asked if I was sure there wasn’t a third one in there. I still get annoyed when I remember that one!

Oh I had the audacity to let my hair go grey. You would not believe the number of people often complete strangers who approach me to tell me I would look much younger if I dyed my hair. The irony is I think they think I am much younger that I really am. Either way I don’t give a fig.

@housethatbuiltme the name story reminds me of something years ago. I was out with some couple friends, one was pg and had told us she was having a boy. Dh went to the bar and was getting drinks when the conversation turned to names. Our friend had chosen a name and she told us her choice. When dh came back someone piped up 'we were discussing the name X' and dh said ' ha ha imagine the poor fucker with that name'. Everyone was so shocked and embarrassed we all laughed but dh was obviously mortified. They still called the baby that name and we still see them regularly. I still cringe when I think of it. It's actually a very ordinary common name

Sorry it was mumsnet I was on about, not in my real life. Seems like every second person is a qualified armchair therapist on how ND people behave 😉
I didn't elaborate properly so that is on me.

I found your post really interesting and thank you for replying to me. :)

To be honest, your friend doesn't sound very nice so she did you a favour. I hope she treats her patients better!

Did you find friendship with her difficult over the years?

Sometimes, I think (only some) NT people think we have hidden meaning behind our words, like only some NT people do. Like, there is a social dance to hint and elude to things but not actually say it. You can be polite and direct, I find.

Or I am misconstrued in what I say. Also questions are seen as you are questioning them personally or challenging them, when often it is just to understand the situation better.

We have an elderly dog who has gone blind, he has a pram as he obviously.frightened now with his sightloss but still enjoys a quiet stroll out, u have had so many people say how lazy let the dog walk or its a dog not a baby... im just trying to give an old.dog who is otherwise ok a nice quality of life

I often get strangers making comments about my red face. I find it embarrassing and blush and then they say oh wow it is even worse now!

I don't know why people do this.

One of my A level tutors was generally nice, but one day, while she was talking to our class about the heritability of different eye colours, she ended up mentioning the recessive gene for red hair, and joked that if her adult daughter had picked "the wrong husband", her children could end up with red hair.

People laughed, while the one student with red hair blushed scarlet, but the tutor didn't seem to notice.

I think red hair is beautiful and striking and I don't know why some people not only see it as a negative, but assume everyone else does as well.

EEEEJITS! People really mean it to, like oh no, I hope it's not a ginge!

I thought we were past all this shite 3 decades ago, or more. Most people I know think ginger is a fab colour for hair, especially as many of them have amazing hair! See attached pics!

The ginger hate is so odd. WTF? 😆 It doesn't make sense.

What a nasty thing for that tutor to have said. Bloody fool.

@JillMW · Today 15:59

Oh I had the audacity to let my hair go grey. You would not believe the number of people often complete strangers who approach me to tell me I would look much younger if I dyed my hair.

That is rude. I have to say though, a woman who lives near me is 60, and has had 40-50% grey hair in the 3-4 years I have known her. She has always looked roughly her age, maybe 2-3 years older.

She turned up to the new years day get together at the local pub 5 days ago - with her hair dyed a dark blonde, and I was shocked. She looked 10 years younger. More like 53-54 than 60. So I do think grey hair (on someone under 70) is ageing (sorry.)

However, I would NEVER say so, to anyone. That's the difference. People are entitled to think what they like. They have no right to spout those opinions though, especially if you know it will upset them.

Good God. That made my eyes widen 😱

Assholes. Bless you looking after your sweet old boy💜