My manager was off today because her dog died on Saturday morning.

[IwishIwasacaterpillar]

Am I being an arsehole to think this is a bit ridiculous?

It seems like it sets a precedent. I have three cats, will I get a day off each time one of them dies ?

Maybe reread your posts, it may not be how you intended, but that’s how they’ve landed with several people, not just me. Repeatedly telling people how they should grieve or what leave is “acceptable” reads as policing, whether it’s directed at someone specific or not. And you did direct it at someone’s colleague, that part seems to have been conveniently forgotten.

“Strangely invested”? I’ve replied to others in this thread too, and I’m responding because you replied to me, that’s how forums work. There’s no need to turn a disagreement into victimhood. As you said, it’s not that deep.

I'm not sure why people think I don't love my dogs/cats/rats and various other animals I've had over the years. Of course I do, they're part of the family, we even refer to our kids as the brother and sister of our dog, frequently mixing up their names. And our previous two dogs had very difficult, upsetting passings, after months of managing their health conditions. But, life goes on, I don't see the point of just curling up in a corner for days and feeling sorry for yourself, it doesn't make anyone feel better.
And when I said that we were more resilient in the past I wasn't referring to physical things such as having to use a mangle. Today there is constant talk of people's mental health, and while that can help some people seek help without stigma, that lack of stigma also means that they themselves talk about it constantly. This has the effect of pathologising normal emotions, someone who is very sad at the passing of an animal is led to believe that they are experiencing a much more serious effect and should have time off work to deal with it, when the best thing for them would probably be to go to work, be with people and take their mind of it. Wallowing in grief helps no one.

I feel for the poor woman. The thing is we don’t know the strength of our grief until we experience it.
I’ve been through a few losses in my life some actual deaths of close relatives and some I would describe as a type of loss such as discovering my dc’s disability or my other child leaving home.
I’d describe myself as a quite a strong, pragmatic person, as I’ve had to be, but I was shocked at the grief I felt when I had our beloved dog put to sleep. It was an actual physical pain that hurt my heart and completely unexpected. Some may say it’s weak or pathetic to feel that way over a pet but I had no choice or control over the strength of emotion 🤷‍♀️

You could say the same about the grief experienced when someone loses a human relative.

You can not control your reactions to a loss, be that pet or human. I don't think pushing down feelings is a good thing that should be encouraged. That is masking, and masking is not healthy. It is better to just let your feelings happen.
A poster on this thread said she suffered hair loss as a result of the grief she felt for the loss of her cat. Do you think she could have done anything about that?
I mentioned a lady in one of my comments who was not able to walk after having her dog PTS.

If someone is that distraught at the passing of their pet that they can not physically or psychologically push themselves to function, then they need time off. They will be of no use in the work place. An understanding employer will know that.

Exactly. No one knows until it is a very real experience that they are having in real time.
Some people are shocked at how they react to losing a pet.

Yes of course if someone is as badly affected as those examples you gave they need to stay off work as they wouldn't be much use there, but they are extreme, and what I'm referring to is people thinking it's the done thing to stay off work for a few days when you lose an animal because you're upset.

Someone can be offered time off and say no. For some, working and keeping busy can help.
But in the case of the OP's manager, she WFH so I imagine she wanted to spend some time away.
I don't work, so am home with my dog all of the time. When she goes, I will be going away for a while. The silence left by a lost pet is deafening.

It’s odd how “fur babies” seems to set some people off, yet I’ve never met or seen a dog owner actually use the term. Same with the idea that “dogs = humans.” I’ve yet to meet a dog owner, myself included, who says that or expects the world to treat them as such. People are just saying they should be allowed to grieve a loyal companion, protector, and family member, not a human one before anyone starts frothing at the mouth.

I’m not sure where else to possibly go with this, you are quite simply saying things that are not true and that’s out of my control. You’ve gone wildly off piste from the initial topic and I’m no longer interested in entertaining this conversation. Please try and calm down and take care. All the best 🙏

This really resonates with me. When a dog has walked through life with you, through challenges and losses, they’re not “just a pet”, they’re family, a constant companion, and a source of unwavering support. The anticipatory grief is real, and it’s heartbreaking watching them grow frail and vulnerable.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Anyone lucky enough to have shared such a bond with a dog knows exactly what you mean. 💐

Ah, the old please calm down tactic.

Exactly! Just a bit of faux concern to sidestep accountability, classic.

I have known a few cat owners to call their mogs 'fur babies', but it takes nothing away from anyone else. They can call them what they want.
People get up in arms on here when someone says their dog is family. Again, it takes nothing away from anyone else.

I have also never met any dog owner who is deluded and thinks their dog is human. Not a single one. It seems to be a MN thing, where people claim that all dog owners are like that and thinks everyone should love their dog. The only person that should love any dog is their owner.

I can see where you’re coming from but people don’t talk about their mental health constantly - look at the suicide rate for men, for example. Yes it comes up a lot for some groups and there is more awareness but there is still very limited treatment, especially for people who have mild to moderate ill health. One way to help people is for employers to have decent policies that allow flexibility for different people and their needs. Your ability to get on with things doesn’t mean you don’t love your animals, and someone else’s need for a day or two off doesn’t mean they’re ‘wallowing’.

I didn’t RTWT but I had to comment. I would be absolutely devastated if my girl died and I think anyone jumping on OP’s sneering bandwagon doesn’t have a heart.

Same. To think people would sneer at us makes it worse in a way. We can't help how we grieve.
My girl's time is coming soon, and it makes me feel great (not), to know that I am being pathetic and lacking resilience if I am still crying about it 2 days later.

No way could I have gone into work, was sobbing my heart out days after my beloved dog died. The bond you have, the loss, it's devastating. Even when you have DC you feel like you're losing a part of your family, true!

If your job role means you can keep your head down and grieve quietly fine, but when you're expected to be on full performance leading and positive then it's too hard basically.

Absolutely. The thing is, most pet owners do understand and sympathise, you will learn who they are. As for the others, bah they have no idea but they may will do one day. Xxx

The assumption is that the grief is genuine.

A manager would have come across employees who are good workers and need a little accommodation for their grief every now and then however it arises in contrast to other employees who take the piss, like the employee that breeds fruit flies below.

A manager has to be even handed otherwise they run into HR problems.

Being a "good" worker and experiencing "genuine grief" are not mutually exclusive.

Not sure what is your point.

They aren't mutually exclusive and in fact correlate because a good worker is not going to fake grief just to get time out.

Honestly I think most of us do get it and share the same fear. The people who would sneer or struggle to keep their lack of empathy hidden are not worth worrying about.

I understand that some people are extremely attached to their pets. But I struggle with the idea that your employer should pay for you to take time to grieve. I think that it's a personal issue and that the employee should take paid leave or negotiate unpaid leave.

In general or just for animals?

Do we know if it was annual leave or not?

In general. There's a statutory right to time off for illness. Some employers pay statutory sick pay only.