My manager was off today because her dog died on Saturday morning.

[IwishIwasacaterpillar]

Am I being an arsehole to think this is a bit ridiculous?

It seems like it sets a precedent. I have three cats, will I get a day off each time one of them dies ?

Some years ago I came downstairs to find our old cat laying on the back of the sofa semi-comatose, with her nose bleeding.

I realised instantly that it was time…
I phoned my husband who commuted, by car, around 50 miles away.

He instantly hopped into the car, with his manager’s blessing, and drove home and we did the last journey, with our kit, to the vet.

His employer did not make any bother about it, he was a valued staff member and never took advantage. Pets are family.

Hear hear!

That’s a stretch assuming someone is unhappy with life because they asked a trivial question on Mumsnet, but if that’s the theory you are living by I would say… people in glass houses

Wow!
I hope this isn't the public sector?
Fair enough if it's someone's profit margin taking the hit, not the public

Actually they do. We have pet bereavement leave where I work. Thank god I am lucky enough to work for a forward thinking organisation that is emotionally developed enough to understand that the loss of a pet can have a significant impact on mental health.

Where’s the death in a break-up or an empty nest? That comparison makes no sense. Plenty of employees take sick days while hungover or after all-night gaming and TV binge-watching sessions, yet no one seems this outraged about companies paying for that.

Managers approve discretionary leave all the time using judgement, especially for valued employees who’ve barely taken any time off because they’re busy covering others. OP has even admitted her manager has been supportive, gave her time off when needed, and that she used up her full holiday entitlement when her dad passed away. I guess it’s fine for her manager to cover OP, but not the other way around.

Even if this was compassionate leave, one paid day is far cheaper than low morale, burnout, or losing staff altogether. Some companies now offer pet insurance or other pet-care benefits as part of wellbeing and retention strategies, because HR professionals see it as valuable for recruitment and employee satisfaction, not to mention initiatives like “bring your dog to work” days. Not everyone has children or can have children, and with the rise in dog and cat ownership, it makes business sense to accommodate this.

The outrage seems less about policy and more about resentment or jealousy, particularly OP’s fixation on her manager working from home. She’s the manager for a reason. If OP is genuinely unhappy with her manager or company, the solution is a new job, not policing someone else’s grief.

So, I may have missed this....but your manager advised she had taken a day off due to a bereavement. We don't know if she used leave/sick/compassionate? And she's being berated. How vile.

I have cats. Id had them....6 months, when one of them nearly killed herself. Day 1, I rang my mother in floods of tears and she drove for an hour to give me a hug. By day 4 of limited sleep (the vets were calling me every 2-3 hours with an update) I was stood in a carpark when they rang to say, they were doing emergency surgery which had less than 50% chance of survival, but it was certain death without it.

After I hung up, my senior client rang to ask me a simple question. And I cried at him, big fat snot bubble cry because he asked me if some toilet roll had been delivered and it hadn't.

(Cat made it and she's still a fucking liability now).

Yet, when I get divorced, I didn't cry once at work.
When my friend, at 28, died in sudden and traumatic circumstances, I cried only upon getting the phonecall.
When my deeply deeply loved Uncle passed away unexpectedly, I cried ...once.

Our reactions are not always fathomable. And it's only with distance, that I see my reaction to twatcat wasn't just because I thought I might lose her: it was so much more than that.

Every single day those two daft, ignorant, twatty tyrants, give me a peace and love on such a deep, simple and beautiful level. They've gotten me through night terrors, abject loneliness, health scares, guarded me after surgery and for reasons only they understood .....

Losing them, will be like losing one of the most pure forms of love I have ever experienced and I will be devastated.

No pets aren't humans, but that doesn't mean their addition to our life.... isn't as important on some ways.

So yes you're an asshole. Sorry you're having a tough time, but life isn't a competition. And I bet your manager has more going on then you know of.

Not really, angry and unhappy people are known to shout the loudest and are far more likely to complain or post online. Happy people don’t sweat the small stuff; they’re too busy working, focusing on their own lives and spending time with their loved ones in the real world, not scrolling forums policing everyone else’s life choices.

An opinion thread isn’t policing anything 🤣. We are commenting on a forum right now, it’s possible to take an interest in a topic on Mumsnet and also live a happy and fulfilling life. It’s not that deep.

That’s rather rich coming from someone who’s accused others of policing simply for disagreeing with you.

Saying “it’s not policing” doesn’t magically make it so. You’ve repeatedly told people including OP’s manager, how they should grieve, what leave they should take, or that they should “suck it up”. That is policing; you just don’t like the label.

You’re absolutely entitled to your opinion. But others are just as entitled to disagree and to call out the hypocrisy when they see it.

That’s not correct. I asked ‘are we policing the type of animal?’. A few people felt dogs are different but I believe you can feel as deeply for a cat or other animal.

I have not told anyone what to do, I gave an opinion which was not directed at an individual. I do not know OP’s manager it’s not possible for me to tell them anything.

It’s a bit strange that you are so invested in my posts. I hope you have genuinely misread them and aren’t deliberately lying.

I'm kind of in the middle of something similar today.

I found out last night that my mother has died. For me, it was a surprise in that I didn't expect it now, but at her age, it wasn't something unusual.

I went into work this morning, did a few things that needed to be done, spoke with my manager about the status of some others including some statutory deadlines that I will still meet and then left. It wasn't a good relationship, her one joy in life was being utterly abusive, so I am feeling somewhat conflicted about what exactly I should be feeling at the moment. Work were unequivocal that I should go and take whatever time I need. I think I'll be off tomorrow, but there is a legally required meeting scheduled for early next week, so I'll need to be in for that, even though it's rather awkwardly also my birthday. At least the meeting isn't tomorrow.

I've experienced other bereavements where I have absolutely needed more time due to shock, distress, time at ITU, my own physical recovery, whatever. But this is what I think I need now - a couple of days.

However, when I've recognised the signs in my pets, made the appointments, said the words, signed the forms and held them and told them I loved them and it would be OK, they were the best boy/girl/cat/dog ever, repeated again and again 'better too early than too late, I'm doing the right thing', the raw, searing pain, the overwhelming responsibility, the grief I felt for those who had done nothing more than be warm, furry, trust and love me was beyond anything I've felt.

I do have emotions, I do feel love, I'm not the emotionally vacant (other than rage) person I could - or should, it was expected of me - have been from my upbringing. So I can absolutely understand why somebody could need to take a day or more off for the death of a pet. Because sometimes, it just hurts more.

Take care @NeverDropYourMooncup

Oh this sounds tough, I’m so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace and comfort 💐

Exactly this. A pet is not a child. Most people go out a buy a new one a couple of weeks later. If they’re really too distraught to work they can take it off sick and have it counted accordingly

Am I being an arsehole to think this is a bit ridiculous?

Did your manager take annual leave? Something they are presumably contractually entitled to? If so, I'd say yes, you are what you think you are. HTH

Oh and rage bait oc.

Not a single person on this thread have said a pet is a child.

It took my mum years to feel ready to get another dog after hers died.

OP has not actually said what sort of leave her manager has taken anyway.

@NeverDropYourMooncup I hope you’re doing okay. 💐

Thank you (and everybody else who posted in response).

I don't actually know how I'm doing yet. I'm just here feeling, well, weird. It'll be okay in the end, but there isn't a polar care/don't care. To somebody who could still work effectively in these circumstances, perhaps I'm being pathetic. To somebody that would be distraught, perhaps I'm being cold hearted. But it feels so very, very different to how I have felt about my animals, which is why I felt I needed to post; I understand how somebody can be utterly poleaxed by their pet dying whereas somebody else could say 'I went back to work after x died and watched the funeral online in my lunchbreak, this is only a bloody dog/cat/pony'.

That's the thing, really; we're talking about the fundamentals of human experience, of connections, relationships and emotions. There aren't any fixed rules for these because every single set of circumstances as every single person is different.

The OP's manager has the sum of experience that means the death of her dog has knocked her sideways, the OP hasn't, nor have some posters on this thread. So maybe the best course of action in these circumstances is to think that 'I don't feel the same way about this as they clearly do. However, it's not going to help anybody if I share that opinion and would definitely hurt somebody who is in that situation if they heard it, so actually, I'm going to keep it to myself'.

Judging silently is always a valid option. I think the OP should have probably taken it rather than posting online for others to join in with condemnation or criticism of a person who has experienced a loss she feels keenly.

Private. It’s company policy, not special treatment for me

Im a pet person. Its ott but sometimes people are also grieving for other things too. It could be a trigger. Id say if you are devastated by loss you may needva day off.

If I saw people having a few days off work when their dog died then I might start thinking the next time it happened that perhaps I was affected sufficiently that I wouldn't be able to work properly, or my level of distress was sufficient that I deserved extra time off because of the effect on my mental health. So it's no wonder that once one company starts this course of action it quickly becomes the norm and more and more people 'require' it. They made us more resilient in the olden days. And no, I'm not bitter, it's just a fact!

If you knew a colleague was having time off after losing a beloved pet, surely you would think that your employer was compassionate, and that if the same happened to you then you would feel supported and validated. Not be told to suck it up and be more resilient.
If you have an employer that treats you like a human being with emotions, and not a robot with an ID number, then you enjoy working for them, you have good work ethic, you do your best.

i think you’re right that people were ‘tougher’ in the past. Let’s face it, if you had a tin bath once a week, had to go outside to the toilet, infant mortality was high, there were limited medical interventions for the average person, still lawful for men to rape their wives and no access to contraception, you used a mangle to dry clothes and meanwhile bread and dripping was considered a treat - well then your heart would have to stay quite hard. Whether that’s a good thing or not is questionable. Modern life can be pretty rubbish but the pure love of an animal that doesn’t bear a grudge and is loyal and good hearted. Well, that’s something to treasure. And if you don’t feel that, maybe you have the generosity to be glad for those who do.

But I guess some people miss the days of the mangle.