My manager was off today because her dog died on Saturday morning.

[IwishIwasacaterpillar]

Am I being an arsehole to think this is a bit ridiculous?

It seems like it sets a precedent. I have three cats, will I get a day off each time one of them dies ?

This is great insight and is relatable. We all get this. I understand where you're coming from.

It's especially difficult when you're in a situation where you are chronically ill or chronically emotionally destroyed and most days it's a battle to keep up work.
It is probably true that some people, including your manager, have not worked worked so hard to keep up with work responsibilities. It is also true that losing a dog can be hugely emotionally difficult and that can take you by surprise.
Maybe she felt like she couldn't get through the day without crying in front of people.

For those saying they wish people would go back to treating pets like pets: a big factor here is people are getting more transparent about their reasons for calling in sick and are more likely to reveal situations that would have had them labelled as weak or pathetic before. Personally I would still declare a vomiting bug but overall times are changing.

With kindness I think the issue is you and not your manager. If she would give you time off for a domestic emergency, if she has been understanding through your struggles then it se me very harsh of you to start this thread.

it’s great you are trying to see this from her perspective. I think you are exhausted and overwhelmed and taking it out on her (albeit not to her face).

maybe you need some leave? Speak to her when she is back - she has led by example. Say you need to take some days off.

If my dog died, I would have to take emergency leave for a week! Stop being so mean.

Burnout is a significant risk in the type of role that you describe. I think that makes it all the more important that you look after your own wellbeing, personally. You will not be of any use to anyone if you run yourself into the ground.

That’s terrible, and of course you’re right that a profound loss like that will have a lifelong impact ok your relative and on other family members. But by your own posts, if your family member was working they would only get a couple of days off to arrange the funeral - I’m sure you wouldn’t support that?

Yes, you are being an arsehole.

I feel for you, because they’re not all like that and we should expect more from employers than scraps. We spend an enormous chunk of our lives at work. I was ‘lucky’ to work somewhere where each member of the Board had lost a family member in difficult circumstances so I had six weeks compassionate leave. Think my boss at the time also liked me not seeing what he was doing so 🤷‍♀️

Perhaps she has other things going on and her dog dying is the tip of the iceberg which has sent her over the edge..

She could have marital problems, demanding elderly parents, illness, problem kids, etc. I know someone whose daughter went to prison. You would never have guessed. It’s best not to assume you know everything about her.

How can the death of a dog be entirely expected and prepared for if it happens suddenly and prematurely?

My partner is by no means a "fur baby" sort of person. Far from it in fact. Yet we were both completely devastated and grief stricken by the traumatic loss of our young dog. For both of us it was far harder and took much longer to process than the expected and anticipated death of our elderly parents. I don't think that is ridiculous. Nor do I consider my partner to be unhinged.

Grief is an emotional response over which we have no control. Sometimes we can push through it, but other times it floors us.

It's difficult and depends on the nature of the death, I think if it was booked under annual leave that's ok as long as everyone else is allowed to do the same thing.
My parents dog died quite traumatically after having a sudden aneurism and was seizing and banging her head on their floor.. Blood was pouring out of her mouth and she was completely braindead behind the eyes after the event so i don't think I could have worked after that if it was my pet! They treated her like a member of the family so were very upset.

It does seem strange to me when people say you have to expect your dog to die - yes, their life expectancy means they will probably die before us, but life means everyone we know will die. Yet somehow we still experience trauma and grief when they do. It’s just not so simple as ‘you know it’s going to happen’.

Maybe that’s why you lack empathy?

This was me early lasts summer / I’d not had a day off work sick in 17 years despite illness and family crises and emergencies and then I go sick and couldn’t recover and was physically and emotionally burned out and had to have several months off to heal. You can bet I will now be taking a day or two when I need to and not just endlessly pushing through to my own detriment.

Is that not allowed either ? Often had to give 1 days notice off to my manager, no issues, He knows i have my work under control, he can cover in an emergency, and then i will be back

Totally agree opinions aren’t fact (not that I ever said they were). Just like it’s my opinion while a dog can be a ‘member’ of the family and yes you can be upset it isn’t the same thing as a person dying.

Well, it can actually be worse than a person dying, in our experience. So that is our opinion.

Yes and my opinion (which isn’t right or wrong) is that your opinion (which isn’t right or wrong) isn’t the same experience for everyone. A dog is not a person - that is a fact. How you choose to feel about the dog is personal. But it is still a dog and not the same thing.

Op your updates are refreshing that you’ve reflected. A lot of MN/AIBU posts refuse to do this so it looks like you’re not an arsehole.

What you have said is relatable, our DD has a rare health condition & we have to take her to a lot of appointments, I used to bend over backwards to make sure my output was greater than expectation so that it didn’t reflect badly with me being away at appointments but it burns you out. If your manager is nice & offers you to take time/give you flexibility then take it if you need it! It sounds like your manager would be understanding of that.

A dog is not a person no - well done you. But that fact tells us nothing about whether or not the loss of a dog can feel the same or worse than the loss of a person because it’s completely subjective.

And well done you for being passive aggressive.

I’m simply matching your tone.

No, it's not the same thing, I agree. A dog is not a human just as a human is not a dog.

But you can't "choose" your emotions. Unless you are suggesting that my grief for my mother (who had dementia for years and no longer even knew who I was) should have been entirely performative, purely based on the fact that she was a human and therefore more important than my dog? My dog was not my parent or my child, he was my animal companion, but his unexpected death was considerably more traumatising than that of my mother, and my reaction to it was not from "choice".

edited for clarity

I think you've done some great reflecting here and could take a leaf out of her book. Work isn't life. If you're not massively inconveniencing your colleagues, and it's not risking your job, you can afford to slack off a bit. Yourself and your personal life should come first. Take some time off if you need. Or don't take a day off but take it easy and slow your pace of work. At the end of the day you're not gonna be on a deathbed thinking 'oh I'm glad I pushed myself so hard at work'. We've all had hustle culture shoved down our throats but really, if you're not making life harder for your colleagues by taking it a little easier on yourself, you should

So what?!
your post before shows you reflecting and the next one completely contradicts it.
she might need a month off.. who knows? Why be so judgemental?

If she’s taken it from her leave allowance, then it’s none of your business why she takes leave. If she’s too upset to work, have some compassion. You never know when you might need someone to cut you some slack.