Asked to give up my seat on bus

[Motnight]

On a packed London bus. A pregnant young woman has asked for my seat (only know that she is pregnant from her badge).I've said no, can she ask one of the younger more able bodied people sitting opposite or behind me? There are at least 4 people that are in their 20s / 30s and look physically fit sitting down.

She looked very shocked but just said ok. I am in my early 60s. I fell on ice a few days ago and am feeling a bit more wobbly than usual. Was I unreasonable?

As someone "normal looking" who is disabled and has been their entire life, it really does my head in when people claim people with invisible disabilities are faking it. Equally, I believe a proportion of people in the priority seat don't realise others have got on - not out of malice - but oblivion. I don't stare around the carriage, so I don't know why they would. I ask them to move. Most are nice - although I suspect it's harder if you don't look pregnant or elderly. Also I won't move for anyone, however much they glare (and some do).

I often find myself offering up my seat on packed buses and I’m nearly retirement age. People don’t seem to notice when someone needs a seat. If I was injured or ill I’d stay put though.

Why OP was wobbly and she could have fallen. I have an invisible disability and am legally if not visibly disabled should I stand in agony with a likely fall,, because I look healthy and maybe just maybe I dont want to tell the world about my health so would rather say no. Pregnant women should be offered a seat but thir right does not trump the rights of others with disabilities and injuries.

It would be the kind thing to do.

Fat women are kind to pregnant women by offering them their seat when they see them wearing a badge and scanning over the seats looking for someone who might meet their eyes and mouthing 'would you like to sit down?'

Pregnant women could be kind back by wearing the badge, so all people learn that if a woman isn't wearing a badge, she's probably just fat.

Why can't we just do nice things for each other to be nice?

That’s not what I’m getting from this post. I’m seeing majority of comments agree there was a need for both the OP and pregnant lady to have a seat. OP simply directed the lady elsewhere to find a more able person. That responsibility to do so falls on the pregnant adult not OP.

Thats literally all there is to this anecdote but blimey the drama that’s being drawn from it! Qs about the percentage of health OP gave and why she directed to younger looking folk - yikes. Let’s face it, almost everyone here if they were not feeling well would have asked the lady if she could try someone else so not sure why so many being a martyr about it!

Why?
The OP says she needed to sit down too. There were other seats available.

The fact ‘it takes courage to ask p’ is not here nor there. Doing something difficult doesn’t entitle you to an automatic ‘win’

Because I don't want to wear a stupid little badge. Nobody assumes that all pregnant women wear badges so you'll be asked anyway, if they think you're pregnant.

If I was going to wear a badge though, it would be about protecting mine and my babies health. Not other random people's feelings.

And where is your evidence for all fat women being "kind" and offering seats. They're no more likely than anyone else.

In this case, it’s all the younger, healthier, not pregnant people in the bus that should have git up for the pg woman. Wo being asked

Yes. I know TfL have them

Why do so many people assume the worst of others. She probably didn't think OP was an easy target or that she didn't matter because she's older but may have thought she looked the nicest and well enough.
Op was not in the wrong to say no and the woman was also not in the wrong to ask.

In theory, better for someone wobbly to fall and sprain something than a pregnant woman to fall and lose her baby. But, TBH, I find it highly unlikely that only one of them could be prioritised in this scenario. I bet there was at least one other person nearby who was fitter and healthier than the OP - or at least one person deliberately taking up two seats.

If I'm feeling OK, I'll let someone occupy two seats. If I'm tired and I want a seat, I'll ask them to move their bag.

I think a PP called it - there were probably 'better' people to approach, but the OP was the nearest least intimidating. In the OP's position, I'd probably have said no, but then asked loudly if anyone else was more able to give up their sat for a pregnant woman. So, no seat, but morale support.

I always felt worse at the beginning of my pregnancies, when I felt sick all the time, that at any other stage. The OP was reasonable to refuse but really she should, out of politeness explained why.
Tge person requesting a seat, should have asked the people in the priority seats first.

But are people saying that? I'm with you that I, as a disabled person, wouldn't actually give my seat to a pregnant woman. And I didn't chose my disability! But I still think they should have a seat. I would hope someone would give them one. The issue is (and people with invisible disabilities know this more than anyone) that people don't know. I mean in my case, they literally would have no idea, even if they were looking. But often people's heads are bent down, they're reading, scrolling etc. Then the onus is on the person to ask. And they might accidentally ask a disabled person like me and I'll say "I'm really sorry but I've got XXX" and explain my condition as then people understand and it's easier. I think people just need to self-advocate (and, honestly, not glare at "healthy" people in the priority seats as you really don't know what's going on).

I think if you need the seat, it's sufficient to say that. No one owes anyone else an explanation of their health. If it's true, just a simple, 'I'm sorry, but I also need a seat.'

As people age falls can shake you up more, leave more bruising and take longer to recover from. Not feeling 100% is a very generic depreciating statement and doesn't convey any measure of the impact of the fall. 80%, 70% or less is irrelevant, as why on earth is it unreasonable to say no to someone who "could be" suffering from morning sickness. Would it be equally readonable to speculate as to whether the young lady felt 80% less well than usual because of the pregnancy in order to determine who had the most right to the seat? Possible nausea isn't really something that requires a young woman in early pregnancy to be given priority for a seat. Advanced pregnancy I can understand finding balancing on a bus being difficult, but normal early pregnancy shouldn't leave someone incapable of normal travel or more in need than any other healthy person. Note I did say normal pregnancy. I don't think the OP needs to feel guilty at all, and though it would have been helpful in the circumstances, no need to let a perfect stranger know they had a fall either.

Anyone who needs a seat for a disability can get a badge to say so.
OP is unreasonable to think that her age in anyway entitles her to a seat over younger people.

After reading through the thread....

I'm so fucking glad I drive.

Having to explain your condition sounds exhausting. If you have to do that regularly, I'm sorry!

I wouldn't ask someone in their 60s for a seat.

When I take my elderly disabled mun on the tube, I ask the general carriage 'can someone please give my mum a seat, she can't stand'. Someone always gets up.

So YANBU for not getting up. I'm guessing she felt more comfortable asking a woman but it doesn't help if women only ask women to give things up.

Did you suggest that she asks one the younger, fitter passenger's OP?

Yes, I’m well aware of that.

Funny how they are evidently confined to the many young women I see plonking themselves in priority seats, though. The same ones who mostly hop on and off the bus like mountain goats.

Presumably all the young men with hidden disabilities are happy to use the seats further back, or maybe they just don’t use the buses,

Everyone is head down on the phone.

I am in my 50s and had a fall last week - face planked the bloody pavement 🙈, and believe me I feel worse than I ever did when young and pregnant! Never realised how a fall could impact me both physically and confidence so much until it happened.

Fine for OP to say she needs her seat until she feels better, the women can quite easily ask someone else.

Hope you feel better soon OP 💐

Thank you!!

Was just about to say this