Would you separate in these circumstances

[PinkertonRab]

AIBU to want a divorce?

I’ll try keep it short. Together 20 years in total since our early 20s. 4 children aged 11, 8, 5 and 3. I’m the main breadwinner (we both work) but also completely fed up with doing 90% of all household tasks and 100% of mental load and DIY. We have argued about this forever.

Sometimes DH improves for a short while with washing and hoovering but it rarely lasts. More recently, he genuinely believes he is actually doing his fair share - it’s delusional but he’ll wash up once and then refer back to it in the argument when I say I’m sick of him doing nothing.

He’s an excellent dad and hands on with school run and playing with kids but that also means he’s the ‘fun’ parent while I remind them to tidy their room or brush their teeth. He’s a kind person who I know loves me works full time (longer hours than me) and can do some tasks if I ask. But there is inability to see any task that needs doing, and unable, and seemingly unwilling to learn any basic diy. If I don’t fix it, it stays broke. I deal with all admin, bills, insurance, holidays etc

I am just so tired of the same argument. If it hasn’t changed in 20 years then it isn’t going to. I’m worn out, snappy, fed up. My life would run so much smoother without chasing round after an overgrown child who takes no responsibility for anything. If I hadn’t have taken the Christmas tree down, I’d be willing to bet it would stay up til this Christmas.

Both DH and the kids would be devastated if we split. Is this just how life is? I’m not looking for perfect or anything exciting- just an actual partner doing their share. He creates more work for me. I’ve lost respect and am noticable withdrawn from relationship but feel awful breaking up family when he’s not done anything ‘wrong’ and like I’m selfish.

YABU - this is life and not worth the upset to the kids
YANBU - a divorce is best long term

Ok he works longer hours but that's not an excuse to be the Disney parent nor for not fixing or tidying up or whatever. If you have told him time and time again and you've reached THAT point then split. Your kids will cope but if you stay together you'll resent it more and more

He has done something wrong. He allowed you to carry the burden of the household, he's not been a good partner to you, he refuses to communicate about issues and work towards making a relationship more harmonious. He may not have cheated or abused you but that's a pretty low bar.
You say he is an amazing dad. That's great. Nobody is going to stop him being an amazing dad in divorce.
You checked out of the relationship and I don't blame you. Four kids is quite enough without having to mother an adult as well.

Have you tried marital counselling? I think if you still love each other, it could help you. Albeit I do understand your feeling that if it hasn't changed in 20 years then it won't now - but I'd consider it worth a try. Alternatively... go on strike, just for him. No cooking for him, shopping, cleaning of his spaces, his laundry, etc etc.

Have you told him it’s getting to you so much you’re thinking of leaving? Would he be able to sit down with you and you have a list of what needs doing and dividing it up between you?

Failing that, couples therapy?

I have done this once, around 2 years ago and I felt it was a real wake up call. But within maybe 2 months it all slipped back.

We argue more often and during the arguments I’ll often say I am sick of it and want a divorce but it’s not taken seriously in the moment of an argument.

Ive thought about counselling but partly, I just don’t have time (or a babysitter - no family close by). I also believe he won’t present a truthful version to the counsellor as he seems to have such a false narrative around what he contributes

Has he any idea that things are as bad as they are and that you are contemplating divorce?

I have no advice but offering a hug and solidarity. I don't think they ever actually change. I was married to a lazy bloke and some how have managed to now live with another one. Will do things if asked but otherwise does nothing much except talk a lot about pushing the lawn mower around. DIY skills of a toddler. Will sit and watch the TV whilst I beaver away. I did find however that sorting the washing and washing only mine had a noticeable impact.

Also, in terms of leaving - this sounds ridiculous but I don’t know how to physically make that happen. Logically, he couldn’t afford or manage our house but he simply wouldn’t move out. I wouldn’t want to sell and have the kids lose the home. It would make sense for him to take our savings (roughly equal to our equity) and go but I’m not sure he would or whether that would be deemed fair

This was my life. It’s horrible. Someone close asked why I hadn’t left as I was so miserable but it didn’t seem like anything catastrophic enough to leave for. I was so wrong. It was death by a thousand paper cuts. I did leave and god I’m so much happier. My children are a million times happier too. I’m not so sad / stressed so I’m more fun to be around and as it’s just me and the kids, we play more which they are thrilled about (instead of me cleaning up after a grown manchild)!

Following, i'm in a very similar dilema so interested to see what others think.

I’m not sure if it’s comforting or bloody depressing that so many of us have been/are in the same situation!

If you’re leaving him because he doesn’t pull his weight - well that’s not going to improve when you’re single ! You’ll still be doing everything alone ! And you can’t force someone to see their kids when you split - I’d he can’t be arsed then there’s nothing you can do about it.

I genuinely believe I’d be happier for my kids to be around. I also have 3 girls and am so conscious of them watching me be the maid, cook, cleaner etc

He's not going to change after all this time is he, especially as you've mentioned divorce before, but not followed through.

The question is whether you can continue to live like this forever? What will that be like when the kids are grown and gone? Will you end up as a seething ball of resentment and regret that you wasted your best years on this manchild who doesn't value you? Is he worth it?

Im not suggesting this is answer to all your problems but would it be more bearable if you paid for a cleaner? And what happens if you say things like: Can you wash up and clean all the kitchen surfaces tonight its your turn? And are the older two starting to do some chores too?

But it would be my mess! The other day he ate breakfast and then dashed to work leaving a grill pan to clean, sides to wipe, used the last of the bread!

I think once simmering resentment creeps into a relationship it’s hard to go back tbh. The more worrying thing is you saying that he really seems to believe he is pulling his weight so he is either deliberately doing this to make you doubt yourself or he is just stupid. I would probably give it one last go of writing down everything each of you has done over a period of a couple of weeks (which will inevitably result in him accusing you of being petty) and using that to start a conversation but I think it’s time to be very clear with a timeframe of how long more you are going to tolerate it. Don’t make idle threats, “if things don’t improve by 1st April I am done with this relationship and we will be looking at making arrangements to live separately”. Personally I would also make it clear that separation doesn’t mean him buggering off and leaving you to it. Good luck.

Then that’s different . You’ve fallen into a pattern of being his maid - he seems happy with that . Only you can change it .

Ugh I was you op, it gives me the heave thinking back to it. Separate, give him 50/50 custody and use your free half of the week to find some joy in your life and have peace while he’s forced to do his sodding job as a parent and adult. He can’t sustain the partner role so cut your losses and see what you can rebuild while you’re young. I’m still single 4 years post divorce and not sure I’d even want another partner. I’m 42 and much much happier. I don’t even have the luxury of a coparent as he’s useless and I’m still happier!

This is helpful - but yes, he’ll say I’m petty. It would show a major difference though.

I still love him, but it’s so hard to find due to all the resentment

Is there an option to get external help with the house and pay someone to do DIY once a quarter? Split up the daily tasks between you. Four young children is tons of work. Feeding and laundry alone mammoth tasks never mind running the house and keeping up with all the school stuff.

If you can afford it delegate it out.

You are properly in the trenches now. My kids are teens now and it is tons easier and less physically exhausting.

I’m going to be harsh here. If he’s been like this for 20 years, you chose to have 4 children relatively recently, especially your youngest, in knowledge that this is what he’s like. I do think there’s some culpability on you then breaking up the family for that reason.

I'd be trying a chores app before splitting. A rota that's never spoken about, where chores are assigned and rotated with reminders popping up daily on his phone. I'd also let him know this whole situation has made you so low, you've given serious consideration to splitting.

He might not want 50/50 is he’s a lazy sod - and you can’t force him to have it either !

This is fair. Although the last wasn’t planned, I did have children knowing this was the case. I guess I always hoped it would improve and my love of him and the family outweighed the issue. But now it’s constant and the scales are tipping