16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

I wouldn’t facilitate her leaving home at 16 - no way would she be safe out in the world and it would be expensive for you for no gain.
Hopefully you can encourage her to see that the freedom she seeks could be gained by getting great A levels and going to university.
This helped turn my 17 year old around so it’s worth hanging in there.

First and foremost I would be making her get a job. I dont know the family situation and dont want to comment on why your daughter would risk being homeless then live in her family home but if she want to move out then right this very minute she needs to learn responsibility and to pay her way. She needs to get a job even if still in school, she can work around school and she needs to either give you money for bills but you actually save that money for her for when she moves out or she needs to save it herself , at 16 she can find share accommodation or find someone's granny flat to move into, there are ways around renting when your 16 but she will still need to buy food and pay bills so getting a job and learning full responsibility for herself is the key. I moved out of home when i was 12 and stayed around in people's loungerooms or on bus stops or did baby sitting gigs for someone to stay and money, then tried to move back home at 14 only to be shipped to my abusive dads place where I stayed until I was 15 then made my way back to my mums by the time I was 16 and her boyfriend threw me out when I was seeing a man nearly 8year older then me so I moved in with him until i was 18 where i got my own little unit. I myself had a terrible home life and would rather have slept at the train station or couch surfed. But I worked from the age of 12, I did babysitting 12hrs a day most days at all different places until I was 14 and could get a proper job. When you dont want to be at home, if your working you can find the funds to find somewhere to put a roof over your head. But you have to work and be responsible for yourself.

then ask about council tax

I had a young girl sat in front of me aged 19, she’d had a court summons over non payment of c/tax

and then started paying it on a payment plan
then she had another court summons as she wasn’t paying the next years council tax bill

she didn’t realise you had to pay every year and this was the current years tax bill

she burst into tears 😞

so many teenagers do fall foul of council tax and have no idea of the expense

Is there a family member she could go and live with?

She will not b able to sign any tenancy agreement in her own tight, she will at least need a guarantor. She will have to present as homeless to the local authorities. They will have a duty to house her, unfortunately a lot of these places are shared houses,imo totally unsuitable for young people. Hopefully she won't follow through with leaving home, before researching all her options. What will she do for money / rent/ food essentials etc.

Get some family therapy in order to identify what would help/ persuade her to stay with you until she's 18. At 16 she's basically got a decade's worth of brain development to go. She's extremely vulnerable towards older adults who could see her as an opportunity to get her to buy/ distribute drugs...
No, I'm not saying that this happens to all 16yo home leavers, but it is likely.
If she feels comfortable enough to stay with you until she's 18 she can try living away at university, where she'll be cared for in an abstract way - rather than thrust straight out.
I was made homeless when I was 14 and 15 several times. My brother was made homeless at 16 (council supported flat initially which was a drugs hotspot), and have had so many negative experiences related to that.
Therapy will help - go private and find somebody you all gel with.

Moving out isn't realistic, if she goes to the council they will call you and as long as there's no safeguarding concerns she will be told to go home. No private landlord will let out to here. If she is daft enough to say she will go on the streets or to an unsafe location you call children's social care.

Is there any supported accomodation locally? A family friend went through this. The daughter is autistic with highly suspected ODD (she refused to be assessed). She had a younger brother and two older sisters, all of whom did and still do have a good relationship with their mum. The daughter had a really bad relationship with her mum, to the point at 13 she gave her mum a black eye on the morning of her wedding. At 16 she left home and was in a supported accomodation until she was about 20. I believe it was 16-21 but they had to be in education. If they weren't in education, they had to move out. Unfortunately, she'll be about 30 and still doesn't have a relationship with her mum, but does with her brother, sisters, grandparents, dad and step dad. It's really sad. Her mum hoped that moving out might actually help the relationship, but it just hasn't.

She won't be able to access this until she is 18. Until then, any child with an identified, safe home , won't be housed elsewhere

No they won't have a duty to house her, why do you think they will? She's not homeless

I had a stroppy son who at 15 used to tell us that he couldn't wait to leave home mainly because we had the nerve to ask where he was going and used to make him leave his phone downstairs at night. Eventually I asked him how the flat hunting was going? He had some savings and I explained that that might just about cover the deposit and first months rent and would he be ok paying that and bills every month?
Never heard a word about it again. He's just moved out into first flatshare at age of 22 now he's working full time. Honestly 15 is an awful age. Just buckle up and keep going but under no circumstances pay her rent.

I moved out at sixteen. I didn’t have a happy home.

I ended up in supported living via a charity . They filled out all the forms for benefits for me. The issue will be that legally, she’s not a separate entity from you so she can’t sign a legal contract for rent. And no one will rent to her.

I also wouldn’t be paying her rent either. The reason I say this is that she needs to learn that you can’t just run off and expect people to pick up. It’s normal to want distance but not this way.

My advice would be to play along. Ask questions but not in a Judgy way. Things like “ Do you need me to come to house viewings with you?” Or “Do you need help writing a list for your new place?” Or “ Do you want me to help you write a budget up based on our house expenses?” . I’d also make sure to drop in things for the future that Implies she’s still welcome at home so she doesn’t think you are kicking her out like “ We are thinking of doing x at Xmas, what do you think?”.

I promise you, once reality sinks in, she’ll stay. But she wants a rise from you. If you do the above, she’ll most likely quietly drop the idea.

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but in case it helps, I know the YMCA local to us has supported accommodation for young people, including care leavers and those with difficult home situations. Some of them are still at school doing A levels, so must be 16-18. They have individual bedrooms with shared kitchens and support workers on hand. Might be something similar in your area?

Yeah unless you pay her rent she can't can she? She can't claim homelessness as you're happy to have her. And she can't claim anything to SS as you're not abusive or neglectful.

Tell her she needs a part time job to save money and to work hard on her studies to get a good career, that's the quickest route to moving out. If she wants to be semi independent she can wait two years and go to uni, then just never come back? But tell her at 16 it's not possible.

Quite usual for her age. Don't offer to pay rent, that sounds like a recipe for disaster, just tell her that she is loved and will be welcome back anytime.

I had a similar problem with my daughter, she left, came back 2 weeks later and a good solid taste of how life was and no one chasing after her to return did the trick. This was many years ago, she put her nose to the grindstone and is now a practising Lawyer with many letters after her name. To be honest, there was no signs of this capability in her until she got a taste of real life with nothing behind her.
Not saying your girl will be the same, but better to find out what it is like early on for her sake. Just my opinion of course as you know your daughter better than anyone.

In what way would she be able to get her shit together?

She can't rent without a guarantor.

The council will not house someone who is making themselves voluntarily homeless.

Her options would be to get herself put in care, move in with friends, or go and live on the streets- all of which she could do today if she wanted. I strongly suspect that she would be back within a few days regardless of which option she picked and how stubborn she is, and by paying rent you'd just be enabling her.

She's also in full time education and presumably needs your support for a lot more things than just accommodation.

This is a situation where as parents you just say, "Yes dear, very nice."

I left home at 16. Slightly different though as my parents had split and neither gave a thought to where I would go, and we didn’t get along so I wouldn’t have wanted to be with either of them.
my mum went to stay with a friend so no room for me and my dad got a one bed place with no room for me.
I went to the council and they did phone my nana but she was too crowded to have me.
I was staying in squats a fair bit as had older friends and then the council put me in a (basically set up like a bed and breakfast) home type place for under 18’s. Boys were one side and girls the other with staff to keep things smooth.
I got my breakfast free each morning as they have a shared kitchen area in the middle but I was always too afraid to go in so never had it.
people did drugs there a lot, and I to be honest just kept myself to myself.
a social worker visited me once and then I never saw them again.
i was there for about 6 weeks and then I got my council flat (wasn’t allowed to refuse I just had to accept whatever it was).
it was a ground floor flat in a very rough area with metal shutters in the doors and windows - I later found out it had previously been a drug dealers as people would buzz at all times of the night asking for him.
I got by but never paid my bills properly (because well in hindsight I was 16) and ended up with CCJ’s at one point.
I ended up moving at 18 to a shared house private renting with friends which was better, and then at 19 I moved in with my mum and we sorted our relationship a bit.
By 20 I moved out to be with my now ex husband. And by the time I was 30 I’d built a business, divorced my ex husband and owned multiple properties on my own.
I do regret how I treated my parents when younger I was a handful. This regret only really hit me when I had a child of my own though.
I think my mum and dad did the right thing in leaving me to it (they did still keep in touch with me). If they’d begged me back or tried to control my life back then I don’t think it would have helped in any way.
anyway take from this what you will but your daughter does need to know the hostels aren’t nice places and the place she is housed likely won’t be either.
I was pretty street smart and independent from a young age and this helped plus I always worked so had some money.
I think looking back I was such a wild child because I felt no one understood me very well (later diagnosed with ADHD).
I’m nearly 40 now and I’ve lived a colourful life but the last ten years I have loved the quiet and calm, I’m pretty boring now haha. I live round the corner from my mum now and we have a good relationship, I still work hard, and things turned out ok in the end.

YMCA have contracts with the council and children's services. They only let their rooms out via those contracts and only to young people in priority need. You can't just rock up and request a room.

To be honest girls do say this kind of thing. They all think life is easy and want what others appear to have.
No landlord will take your daughter at 16 even if you pay the rent. You would also be putting your daughter at risk. So it’s your responsibility as a parent to not enable or facilitate your ‘child’ moving out.

if she ups and leaves her only choice is staying with other people for free (not sure why you think she’d get a hostel when she’s not homeless ??) she wouldn’t get benefits at 16 so would need a job. My DC just moved back home after uni as it was so expensive paying bills and rent and she has a decent graduate job!

Just humour your daughter for now as you are well aware even if she wants to leave she can’t do it as she can’t afford it and she’s far too young. I’d encourage her off to uni instead.

So you are basically saying you will enable her stupid behaviour by paying rent somewhere 🤣🤣.

let her move out, sounds like she needs a life lesson, do not pay for anything though, she will soon be back, stop pandering to her though and tell her she’s a melt

Let her. Don't enable her stupidity by paying for it. She already sounds spoilt. You do need to get to the bottom of why she hates you so much. You all need to sit down, talk, and change how you all treat one another.

What rules do you have?
Diets?
Friends?
Time Restrictions etc

You can also refer yourself to the school and welfare services for help. Otherwise, let her learn from her own mistakes. Shrug if she complains once moved out. If she survives and thrives? Praise her. Just don't be naive enough to enable her via rent payments...you're literally paying for her recklessness. You will set her up for failure, by paying.

I’d just nod along. Let her walk out when she’s 16, she’ll soon be back when reality hits.

@Sahm87hope you’re very proud of yourself 💖

"Ok dd, it's not what we want, but you've been quite clear. We'll leave you to work out how to make it happen, including how much you'll need to earn to pay rent and bills."

Then say nothing more about it. At all, even when she tries to provoke a response. When she realises you're not going to engage with her dramatics, she'll likely lose interest.

If she works it all out by herself (unlikely) offer to go through her plan with her.

Just be mindful that she might think about getting pregnant to get given a council house