16yr old moving out - what do I need to do?

[Allaboutthechild]

Not sure where to put this.

I wrote a long post but basically my 15yr old daughter regularly tells us she doesnt like us, isnt happy and plans to move out as soon as she's 16. At one point she was marking the days off her calendar.

She's not put any thought into it eg how rent will work so I dont think it will happen but if when she's 16 she does decide she wants to move out, what will actually happen?

Obviously we dont want her to and have made that clear. Equally we're not going to let her make herself homeless or end up somewhere dodgy so if we need to pay rent then we will (we haven't told her that).

But what is the process? Just trying to prepare ourselves if she does walk out on her 16th birthday as she said this evening (during a tantrum over washing a plate). If it matters, she has a safe, solid and I would have said generally happy home (although she disagrees clearly).

I'm not after commemts about why she is saying this, just the practicalities please.

What you do is ask her how she is going to find somewhere to live, how she is going to pay for it, ask her how she is going to get to school, how she is going to afford to eat and buy essentials such as food, toiletries and clothes etc etc which are all things taken care of when you’re a teenager living at home but not when you choose to move out and be independent.

She clearly hasn’t thought through the practicalities- get her to consider these questions and I’m sure she’ll realise the grass won’t be greener and that it’s so completely impractical that it’s not even an option.

I think your first response to ‘fix it’ for her is the root of the problem. She’s not happy, you want to throw money at it to solve her problem.

I think all teens want to leave home but not face the reality of actually doing so.

I agree with others if she’s not going for the boarding school route - you just need to give her some pointers.

Write down a list of costs, rent, bills, phone, food and ask her how she plans in supporting herself.

She can get ready for this by buying and cooking her own food, doing her own washing, cleaning her room etc.

How does she afford things now? If you are paying for anything, stop it now - she wants to be treated like an adult, let her start now, adulting is expensive!

I understand you can apply to join the army at 16, and as you said previously there are 'boarding ' type 6th form/fe colleges that offer agricultural /animal care courses.

Realistically, if she wants to do this at 16 it would have to be something where she is training in some thing like this. I don't know if any thing else similar exists..

She cannot hold a tenancy agreement until 18, so she would end up in social care semi independent lodgings and would have to sign herself into care under a section 20 agreement .

I’m sure many teenagers say they’re moving out as soon as they’re 16.. but as parents we don’t actually believe them, it’s a typical overreaction to us giving them boundaries they don’t want.

Exactly this then sit with her and write down the cost of each bill and then ask her to start looking at jobs she is going to apply for she will need to work a lot of hours to afford this she will soon realise life is expensive and nothing is free

She wouldn’t be entitled to any temporary accommodation as you’re not kicking her out. The council will just tell her to go home. Don’t entertain it. I kept a diary at 15 and wrote about counting down to my 16th birthday so I could move out. My job when I was 16 paid £3.50ph. I could barely afford an outfit from top shop never mind rent.

Don’t even engage in the discussion just say hopefully that’ll work out for you let’s wait till your 16 and we’ll see then change the conversation

I am a foster carer and two years ago was asked to look after a 16 year old who had walked out of home after a breakdown of the relationship with her parents. There was no neglect or abuse involved. After sofa surfing in friend's houses, the local authority were called and she was able to voluntary put herself into care. And then she came to us, where two years later she remains.

I ended up living in a hostel at 16 and had to claim hardship allowance because I wasn't old enough to claim regular benefits then. I lived in a shared room for around 5months until they moved me into a little bedsit.
While in the hostel we still had to help with cleaning and things. Also there wasn't tv in our rooms only in the communal area and our dinners were eaten in the dining rooms too (this was about 15 years ago) I don't think many teenagers would choose to live like that unless they had no choice
I didn't have the choice to go back home but I definitely would have!!

I would suggest not offering any help and then she will see how difficult it is to move out at 16, trying to find a place to rent without help is nearly impossible and the council won't help because she isn't technically homeless

And im sure if shes thinking of staying with friends that won't last long.

I used to say this all the time to my wonderful mum. I said it in the full knowledge that it would hurt her, knowing full well that she wouldn't want me to leave and that I had a fantastic, secure, loving home for as long as I wanted with her and my darling dad. I said it purely for attention. I was a teenager having a teenage strop. I'd have absolutely crapped myself (for want of a better word) if they'd called my bluff and told me to go if that's what I wanted and that they'd help me rent somewhere etc. I'd have been terrified. My own son used to make similar threats too when he was about that age and I always replied that if he really wanted to leave, then I couldn't stop him but I'd be very sad and that this was his home and we loved him and we'd miss him terribly if he went. He's 25 now and he's still not gone yet!

If she’s stropping over washing a plate, how on earth is she going to cope working 8 hours a day 5 days a week to pay rent, council tax etc?

My boss’s daughter used to say this. It’s because she didn’t understand the practicalities. She’s 19 and still living at home.
She’s more likely to do that if she thinks you’ll support her by paying her rent (?!).
You just have to remain calm and continue parenting her. I understand it’s a worrying situation for you.

A friend of mine left home at 16 (this was 2010ish so a while ago!) and lived in a hostel type place, you got your own bedsit-type set up with a small kitchen to yourself. Financially she was fine as 99% of the bills/rent was covered, she got income support, EMA for attending college (don’t think that one exists anymore) and also wage from a part-time job. No idea if it would be the same nowadays.

Absolutely this. The best she will get after a lot of wrangling and pushback from social services, plus you signing a section 20 with the LA, is a supported living arrangement (generally used by kids leaving care or no home to go to).
Drug use, antisocial behaviour, theft are pretty standard. I knew a really tough kid who would injure herself to end up in hospital rather than stay in this setting as she felt so unsafe.

It's lovely that this has happened but I don't think this is standard. I've seen teenagers having to live with family members who they have made allegations of abuse against but with a informal supervision plan, because there simply weren't places to send them.to.
Seen one poor kid moved 150 miles for a chance at a foster placement only for it to break down weeks later.

Basically your daughter is living in La la land. She needs to settle down, be extremely grateful for the life she has and hopefully mature fairly quickly.

Until she can fund the lifestyle she wants, she needs to knuckle down, do well at school. get a good job or degree, then the worlds her oyster - but only when she can pay for it.

She could find a job with accommodation included. Like an au pair or hospitality job with on site accommodation. It sounds like she wants space and freedom, maybe it’d be a good thing if she took herself away for a year to grow up. Plenty of people have left home at 16 before.

Even if you just accept her decision it might be enough to make her feel listened to and help to break down some tension.

It's the responsibility of social services until she's 18, not the homelessness team.

You don't do anything. If your DD wants to move out she sorts it all out. And copes with the consequences. You keep telling her that you love her and she can come home anytime.

Social services would be involved. If she was adamant she didn’t want to go back to living at home, she would be placed in supported accommodation or a sort of children’s home.

I left home at 16. I lived in a hostel for young people through the local authority. My mum had to confirm that I wasnt able to live at the family home. I then got a flat attached to the hostel and was on the housing list for many many years. I worked part time but back then couldn't claim any further support as wasnt 18 so had to do a joint claim with my then partner.

My sister also moved out at 16 with a friend. Friends dad tried to be guarantor on a tenancy, they were both working but it wasnt allowed so he pretended he lived with them (im not saying do that as its tenancy fraud but its not as easy as you might think).

What shit is she going to get together? She is 16 and needs to be in education,she's not suddenly going to get a job that will pay enough for bills and rent. So NOT even thing of paying her rent even if you did find a landlord who would rent to her you'll make her more vulnerable not less . She's mouthing off like all self respecting gobby teens do.

My daughter did this. Because she was a school refuser she was known to social services, and was put into supported accommodation. It was awful and she wasn’t mixing with great people. It was very different to home. We just made it very clear that we’d always be there for her, and offered her space and support. It sounds a lot easier than it actually was

During Covid lockdown she came home, got studying (she’d missed a lot of school, but caught up) and is halfway through a midwifery degree

We’re all very close now. Her teens were a complete nightmare, but life now is good

If it's as you describe I hope she doesn't get council accommodation as there are young people who are genuinely in need of it as they arent safe or have nowhere to live who need it more than your dd